×A Million…

Dear-Boy-Who-Never-Knows-He-Breaks-My-Heart,
I’m giving my last shot at you. A million times, it feels, I’ve left you messages, phone voicemails, and all that I can do to get a hold of you. A million times, all of my efforts have been tragically denied. A million times that I’ve felt guilty for not being your ideal girl. And a million times, I wanted to yell at you, to hurt you so that you have the faintest idea of how it feels. Yet I do not….i would not wish this inner turmoil on any of my worst enemies…not even the boy who constantly bruises and crushes my heart. But if I don’t put an end to this soon, it’s only going to get worse.

Dear-Boy-Who-Says-He-Cares-But-He-Doesn’t,
A million hours I’ve wasted away, waiting for your messages, constantly checking my phones, email, myspace, xanga. But is never there. I know you sign on many times. I’m just not worth your time? I think you should make time for me. It’s been months, Zac, and I STILL haven’t stopped crying. Something’s wrong with me…I know you can see it. You say you’re sorry, you say you care, but you just don’t. If you cared the slightest bit as much as my FRIENDS do…then you’d be giving me something to work with. But you don’t. You never do. You’ll never know how much I put myself through over you. My friends are seeing the toll you’ve had on me…they see me have my emotional breakdown more frequently than ever.

And if you don’t know…if you HAVEN’T read any of my messages to you…then I’m going to make sure you read this last one, because it’s the last one I’m writing. The million and first, and the last time I’m ever going to explain to you, what you’ve done to me. Here’s a list.

1) You told me you loved me. (Big no-no)
2) You lied to everyone about me…
3) You fooled my friends, told them you loved me. For God’s Sake…you even fooled my best friend.
4) You told me you’d always be there.
5) You had a girlfriend. Maybe I didn’t appear to care to you, but there was always that voice in the back of my mind that never stopped screaming how foolish, how badly it was going to end—and over her. You’ll never know the jealousy I drove myself insane over.
6) You told me I needed help??? Wtf is that supposed to do? Make me feel better about myself? Let me KNOW that you think I belong in a mental institution?
7) You explained to my friends that it was a lie. That it was charity work—to boost my self esteem. Well, gee, Zac…how peachy do you think I feel now?
8) You told me about your suicide plans. Do you know how that completely DEMOLISHED me? No…I don’t think you do…
9) You tricked me into falling in love with you…because you think that by making me vulnerable, it was humorous, and made you that much stronger!

There’s no need to go on….if I went on. I could make a list of a million things you’ve wronged me for. But I’m trying to tell you I love you, Zac...I would have given everything and anything to be with you. You use your words to pry into people’s souls to steal their hearts…admittedly, that was foolish of me, but what am I left with? I’m left with the memory that I HAD you...you made me believe you were mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I could scream forever and it still wouldn’t be enough.

In some ways, and some days, I wish you’d have your heart as broken as mine. Still, in the back of my mind, I hate seeing you in pain. That’s how much I love you. I want you to TASTE it, like I’m breathing it, but it would still be such a lethal amount, that once you administer this heartbreak in your bloodstream, there’s no turning back. It’s a virus that’s consumed me completely. All I want, all I wish for, was for you to talk to me the same way you used to. The way that would make me go all weak and breathless.

Every single message you typed on AIM,…I could read it say *Your screen name* is typing…and I’d hold my breathe. It could take ages for you to send me something, and I still wouldn’t breathe. My lungs would sink and I’d feel lightheaded, but it wasn’t something I could help!!! I was killing myself over you, and I was too blind to see it. It startled me, scared me to death, how I could just feel so rotten, yet great at the same time…You had a bittersweet effect on me. My heart would beat so hard against my chest, my blood would rush through my veins, and I’d be so hot, yet I was so frozen in time, so cold externally with goosebumps. You’re the best drug I’ve ever had, and I either want more of it, or I have to drop the habit, because I’m crying, sobbing at the memories you’ve left me with. And it kills me, because every time I try to tell you this, your first reaction is to just split up…

I don’t know if you’re just not used to real commitments…from what I’ve heard, you never keep a girl for that long until you move on onto the next one. But when you say I Love You...that’s a commitment in itself. That’s a promise you’re expected to keep. I told you I loved you over the phone several times, but each time, all I heard was a deafening silence that sent me plummeting each time into a depression, that is…until I could see you type I love you over AIM or the internet.

My blood is yours, reluctantly. My heart is yours unwillingly. Every inch of me is alive for you, but not because of you. I wish you could save my life…

Because if my friends can do it…people who I’ve only known for ages, who say I love you,

Then I wonder how much different it would be, how much more of my sanity could be spared if I heard it from the one person I love more than anyone, anything on this earth.

Call it obsession, call it what you please. But it’s not my fault. It’s yours, and you can’t blame me for it…I was perfectly sane when you met me. You were just as guilty as me for doing the same things. How can you find the nerve to talk to me the way you do? Don’t you know how badly you’re breaking me? You’re no longer only breaking my heart—it’s been exterminated for quite some time. You’re wasted my sanity and my life away.

Can’t you just give me a second chance?
And instead of counting up to a million again…
Can’t we please just start over at one?
Can you PLEASE give me a fair beginning, and not knock me off my feet?

But no matter what happens, no matter what you say, I will NEVER be able to get the heart back that you’ve broken unintentionally.

***Depression of my love for Zac***

basically sums it up!! lmao!!

Geeze-Britt!! lol!! you make it sound so easy!! lol!
It's been MONTHS of this endless depression...and if it were THAT easy to shake it off, I wouldn't have half as many problems as I feel like I have, and trust me..i don't WANT problems...they just seem to find me...

Thanks, Angie..:-D

I wish this type of thing either didn't exist--so no one would have to feel it...or we could all just feel this heartbreak. Because it's not fair for Some people, some of the best people I know, and some of the strongest and known to be so undeserving, are being destroyed by something labeled so simply as "heartbreak"

But it's not just breaking...it's murder in the highest degree, but I'm still alive, and I'm still breathing, even when I wish I wasn't. It's torture, but nothing can be done. It's not fair that he, and people like him, who do this to us, will probably never know what it feels like....