Hey everyone! Anyone got any good jokes?

I love jokes and i would love it if you would post your favorite jokes to make everyone laugh! =)

Okay! Here's one:

The Gender of Inanimate Objects

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male - because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

COPIER: Female - because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up; because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed; and because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE: Male - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male = because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female = because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE: Female - because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY: Male - because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS: Female - because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER: Male - because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female - Ha! You thought it would be male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

ha ha ah...thats a good one

Two old ladies in a coffee shop, one says to the other "You come on the bus?" Other says "Yeah but I made it look like an asthma attack"

:D

lol ^_^

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for
the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood
curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate whythe drunk is screaming."What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells."You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk,"and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ." The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

LMAO i think my favortie joke ever.

..иιcolε

0_o

a man is sat at the bar and has had quite a lot to drink. When the bartender starts telling people to finish their drinks and go home the guy tries to stand up but he just falls flat on his face. he is thinks to himself wow i must be really pissed. he tries to get up off the floor but everytime he tries he falls back on the floor. He decieds to crawl out and perhaps the fresh air will sober him up a bit. However when he gets out he still cant get up. he only lives a few houses away so he decieds to crawl home. when he gets to the door he doesn't want to wake his wife so he props himself against the doorframe and opens the door. Perhaps the walk (crawl) sobered me up a little bit he thinks but no he falls on his face again. he finnaly gives up and crawls upstairs and flops on the bed and falls asleep. When he wakes up in the morning his wife asks him 'so you were at the pub again last night?' he says 'how do you know did i make to much noise?' she says 'no the bartender dropped back your wheelchair this morning!'
aaron

hahahaha...what

haha those are all great... all I can think of are 2 stupid ones...

How did canada get its name?
The men were picked 3 letters out of a hat.
cAnAdA
haha get it, they say "ey" after everything!

haha sorry not that funny.

Ok... Two guys walk into a bar...

...

I forget the punchline, but your mamma's a whore.

^.^

Why did the beetroot blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing.

A Blonde was out for a drive in her new sports car when she accidentally cut up a truck driver. The truck driver motioned for her to pull over, which she did. He drew a circle on the side of the road with a piece of chalk and told her to stand in it and, "DONT MOVE"

He then went to her car and cut up the leather seats. Upon turning around, he was surprised to see a slight grin on the blonds face. "oh you think that's funny do you? Watch this". With that he gets a base ball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in the car.

When he turns around, the blonde has a smile on her face. Now, really mad, the truck driver gets his knife back out and slices all her tyres.

But by now she's laughing Really losing it, he sets the car on fire, only to find she is laughing so hard she is almost falling over. "What's so funny?" he demanded.

She replied: "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle".

no offence to truck drivers and blondes =)

3 blondes (NOT gender specific ) were walking in a forest when they came upon some tracks. The 1st blonde says "look, bear tracks!" the 2nd says "no, there rabbit tracks" and the 3rd 1 says " nooooo their definatly mouse tracks." they stood there arguing for 10 mins, then they got hit by the train.

k a blonde a brunette and a red head are stranded on a island and the brunette says its about 20 miles from shore so the blonde swims out 5 miles and trys to go 10 when she hits 10 miles she drounds so the red head is like i wonder if she made it so she swims out and makes it 10 and she trys to go 15 when she hits 15 she drounds so back on the island the blonde swims out she makes it 5 then 10 then 15 when she hits 19 miles and she can see shore and she swimms back

k this is a different one their is a blonde a brunette and a redhead in a jail so the jail ppl give each of them a hairbrush to see what they would do the brunette brushes her hair the redhead uses it as a micherphone and the blonde uses it as a dildo