I just want someone to love again...

about 3 years ago I fell in love for the first time. and I mean in love like IN LOVE! not like that crush kinda thing 14 year old people often get and they go there life is over.
Well the thing is im a girl and she`s a girl and we were bestfriends (and still are) and I was so incredible in love with her but of course I knew she didnt love me in teh same way so I just had to hold it in inside, but it wasent that bad I mean I had her. But then she moved away and I got deppresed. I actually tried to kill myself and I wrote these crazy letters to her all the time.
I was heart broken. Anyway finally after a couple of months with incredible pain I finally started to get a little better, but then she finally moved back! OMG I cant tell you how glad I was. but our friendship started to fall appart she got in another class and she lived a long way from me now so we didnt see each other everyday like before.
And now im over her for the most part. I still lvoe ehr and of course we became the best of friends after a while, we only where a little disant at first when she got back. Anyway the problem is this hole thing has made me afraid of loving again sins im afraid of geting hurt again. and I`ve liked some people but it has never goten serious. and it still hurts when I think about ehr and the way we were before but I love her in another way now. a strong deep love like frienship not lover but I sometimes wonder if she were my soulmate. and now I have a problem because I have crushes on boys but I like girls better. I think or I know im bisexual but I want someone I can trust and love and none of the girls I knwo are interested in anything like that. Now I could go and find me a goy of course but I have a hard time talking with them and I generaly dont trust them. pew! it felt good to finaly get it out...
well a new problem is that I got drunk a couple of weeks ago and fooled aroudn with this boy that I dont actually liek in that way but he says he likes me ALOT and I\ve tried to make him understand im not interested but now people are going around saing im so mean to him because I just dont tell him I dont like him but im so confused and it`s so hard to get it out and I have No idea how to tell anyone. In fact im not sure I want to tell anyone it would ruin so much because I havent told anyone liek without having a sertan joiking voice on that I actually like girls. ALOT! now my friends knwo im interested in them but they dont understand just how much. I could talk about this for hours without and end but I have to stopp because... well I dont know i dont want to I jsut like to get it out it makes me feel betetr and it makes me feel like there is someone out there. That I can love again like I did with her! the only problem is if I get a girlfriend what would my parents say? and I would be stampled as a lesbian but I like guys. I mean im attracted to them and everything. and I know I`ve got friends who are very open and im not afarid of there reaction it`s just hard to tell anyone about this because im so unsecure.

also I dont know excactly what I wrote on that long message but have no plans of reading it.
Still I know there are a lot of typos and everythign and somethings may be confusing but that might help you understand better what im going true because I dont really know what im feeling.
well I know in a way but I dont know the hardest things is to get it out.

If you wanted to respond on this pleas send me a private message and do not post here because I will not be returning to this board.