sierra

edited
~Georgi

I'm here, baby. Let me take a WILD guess--Megan? You still won't take my advice even if I give it again and it hurts me to try to help and my help be pointless, nothing personal. You're not alone, but you WILL be if you continue being friends with her. Leave her before she destroys you completely, but let her know that you're going to keep it civil. Let her know that you can still talk in school, and be very cool about it, but just don't do after school activities like sleepovers and whatnot with her. Make newer friends. I guarentee, you may feel alone for a bit after you get rid of her, but as my mom says, "When one door closes, another one opens" and that's the case with friends. A better one will come along. I do wish you'd come too, babe. I wish with all my heart you'd come here and I wouldn't ever let anyone do that to you, but people are unreasonably cruel WHEREVER you go and you'll never be able to do anything about it. Don't hate yourself. Don't hate life. Hate the people who are taking their own horrible lives out on you. It's much easier I find.

Don't listen to your mind. You both know our minds are corrupted with depression. Remind yourself that it's just playing a trick on you and it's never as bad as it seems.

I love you, hang in there...i'm going through a lot too right now.

trust me i'm not that cruel, sometimes theres just more than wt it seems on the surface

edited

i've been on a while...bt ok :D *smiles happily*

its nice to see that my unhappiness is making u smile

haha love ya shiky :)

no i was just smiling at the fact that i'm arguing with people that i don't even really know...quite funny really! oh and tht doesn't include u before u say it!

so stop arguing with them then....? :P

i didn't know this was a competition? can i join? looks like fun!

fun????? again, ur best friends unhappiness brings u smiles AND fun. wow. what a friend u are.

wait i haven't joined yet!! that unfair!! ok can we start now? no? oh...shame...

Megs-don't even just go there. You're obviously NOT what Gorgi is looking for, so take my advice, both of you, and just STOP being friends, but just keep it civil.

Your competition is gay, although no matter what you say, Megs, she's still whooping your ass. You're just supplying her with more reason to snap back, so just stop.

~Sierra

Geo:

Though we haven't ever spoken, I could tell you are a very, very sweet gal. Don't let what little people have to say or what they do bring down your fighting spirit.

From what I've read so far, Megan isn't much of a friend. Dump her arse quick and do it now.

There'll be plenty of people just waiting to be your friend. No need to stick with one because you are afraid to hurting their feelings. Did she even cared that she hurted yours?

Obviously not.

I am well aware that she'll be reading this, and frankly madam, I don't care.

Letting go may be tough, but holding on when you have no reasons to, kills your soul.

Cheesy like nachos, but oh well.

I hope you feel better. =)

Uh....just in case I am cheering you up about the wrong thing, please let me now. *blushes*

( )_( )
(='.'=)
(")-(") Arrivederci!

hey atomic, no ur talking bout the right thing :) thanks! :)
i think me n meg need to sort this on our own, is tht ok? thanku all of u hu wanna help me i really appreciate it, i love u guys loadsies!! :D
i dont know, meg, we gotta talk k? Noone knows our friendship apart from us. Altho its weird how everyone is telling me the same thing about you. :(:(:(:(
ps. atomic i we have spoken once i think!! lol
Thanku si si, atomic, shiky i love u all loads :)

si si, i dont know how much more of this shit i can take. Life i mean, Im so angry and so hurt and im hurting and i hate it so much :( Every night im in hysterical tears burrying my head in a pillow trying to stop them from falling :(:(:(:( I cant do it anymore, i just cant, im so sorry

Geo
MBH#1

baby I know how you feel. I'm doing it too....i'm doing it so much it just comes naturally and i've bene losing myself to depression little by little each and every day. I'm killing myself and i'm making myself sick, literally. I'm constantly feeling like i'm going to vomit or fall on the floor in random fits of hyperventalation and hysterical tears. It's SO hard....so hard to come home every day since my birthday to being yelled at, degraded, and most of all i'm SICK of feeling vulnerable. I've come so close to giving up, but you're one of those people meant to live, Geo...you don't have it as bad as you think you do....it's just depression messing with you...I, for one....oh lord....I REALLY don't belong. I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and I've been faking happiness for so long that lying, too, just comes naturally....I've been setting myself up all my life for this fall and I can't take it. No one to talk to. And the whole world thinks I'm lying this time around. Boy who cried wolf...more like girl who cried suicide one too many times instead of following through. My first instinct this whole time was to turn to Zac but he's no where to be found. My whole heart is with him, all my hope and faith. I give it all and keep none for myself. I am hollow and unworthy of this life. This life which has been so cruel to me. Sending me to a home with an abusive stepdad, to a physcotic mother who holds her suicide above my head if I fall out of line.

I REFUSE to spend another night hiding in my closet strangling myself with a tie and taking things nearest to me and just clawing away at the flesh that covers my hollow soul. What does it matter to me if I die?! At least I won't wake up another morning feeling like this. To hear my mom screaming at my sister or me and feeling so powerless. To have this voice but to live in fear of using it, i am vulnerable. I feel weak and desperate. I fear abandonment, yes, but not as much as these lonely nights and hell-like mornings. I fear people judging me without knowing me, knowing what i've been through or what i've put myself through. I don't just have one achilles' heel, i have about a million of them and i'm dying so fast. I don't feel 15. I feel like a 2 year old and I just want to curl up with my thumb in my mouth into my mommy's arms. I just want to go back to a time when I didn't fall in love with Zac so that every day on top of everything else it hurts too badly. I want to go back, Georgi. I hate myself.

Sisi
__Meatball Hoagie#2__

right. sierra dont u DARE talk like that, i need you, I NEED YOU MORE THAN ANYONE WILL EVER NEED YOU, ur my angel and my bestest friend and i love u so much, u cant give up on me just cant, u dont have a choice si si, U CANT.
U have the choice to either live or die si si and u HAVE TO CHOSE TO LIVE. u hav to chose to live for ur beautifuls self, because every part of u in beautiful sierra and u cant see that because ur eyes are always filled with tears. But everyone else sees you baby, i see you, and ur mum loves you and so does ur dad and ur sister, and ur nana, u have a lot of people who love u to death sierra and u cant give up on urself because then u will give up on them, too.

I know life is hard, heck i have to face it everyday too, today i burst in2 tears about 4 times, lol, it was so embarrassing but i get to a point sumtimes where i cant hold it in anymore, andf thts when i pray for you, and ur the one hu keeps me going sisi!! we have to try and fight unhappiness TOGETHER. PLease dont ever give up, because i dont know what i would do without you, U have become such a huge part of my life whether u like it or not, and i cant imagine living one single day without thinking of u!
Ur letters make me smile so much and i cant WAIT to get ur video for my birthday! Ur my angel sierra, and i am gonna be here for you all the time i promise!!!!!!!!! U dont have to turn to Zac, u can talk to me because i really do care and ill do nethin to make u feel better, thts one thing i can promise you.
Love u
Geo
MBH#1

You'll NEVER know how it feels, Geo. And I hope you never have to. But it isn't all black and white, happiness and depression. There are some shades of gray, some things that just DONT change. And the past is gray. I can't change my past, and my past will ALWAYS affect the future. And since I can't change the horrfying things in my past, I'm doomed to live a miserable life, always wallowing in self pity.

Believe it or not, you're my angel too. I hold on for other people but at some point, even I get tired of hearing myself repeat "suicide" in my own mind. The final solution. An END to ALL Of this crap that is constantly holding me down. I can't break loose from these chains. People dont even see the newer cuts on my arms, they just see my smile and they think i'm a better person. They don't know jack shit. Here I am, battling everything and everyone, whether its in my own mind, physically, or emotionally, there's still scars that won't heal--another gray, I guess.

If you think I'm so beautiful, Georgi, how come no one else sees it? Is it just your eyes, that like my own, are fogged with tears? Because I don't think you're seeing me correctly. I'm h.i.d.e.o.u.s. and i'm not just saying that. The way I speak to you so freely, its such a relief opposed to the silent nights and screaming thoughts I choke on as they hang on my tongue. I want to scream at my mom, my step dad, and even my nana. Read my letter and you'll know why. All I've been trying to do, for so LONG is just stay AWAY from drama, but the farther away I stay, or the harder I push from it, I am heading straight for it. I've only tried to help people, guide them and help them when I feel strong enough to do it, but no one can be stronge forever. To not cry or be emotional. It would be like living a lie. And as long as I'm not crying, as long as this smile plays on my lips, it's just an act that I am through watching.

Not everything is JUST hard. It's complicated. Just like not everything is black or white, right or wrong, I'm in the gray now. I'm at a crossroad with a decision to make. I can either continue this lie or move on. Which sounds more appealing?

That's what I thought. I'm sorry for talking like this, or being such a downer, but the truth is that life is complicated. My story can't be written down or memorized. I have about 15 years of facts and drama that wont even fit a time line. Most of the time, it's all in my mind. Its extremely unbearable to be fighting something that's not there, not physical, or able to be held. I'm clutching uselessness, hopelessness, and fear.

But what more to life is there than love, family, and friendships? I mean I only have 1 out of the 3. My meatball hoagies are there for me WHENEVER and I will ALWAYS be there for them, but suicide in itself, being held over my head, as you can imagine right now the way I'm talking, hearing this exact speech for years is nerve-racking, and you wonder who's going to leave you in the dark and who's going to stay there with you. Live like this for a while, Georgi, and tell me just how broken you are by the end. Honestly tell me that you can just stand by and watch your friends throw their lives away, and again, when you try to speak your voice is useless. It's powerless. And I just won't speak out or defend myself anymore. Sure I'll defend everyone else, but I've just about lost myself for the millionth time. I'm sick of it.

But I do love you and I'm holding on this far because I know life wont be like THIS forever, this shady and gray. I'll see some better days, but my main problem right now is how much I can lose living like this for too long. Like you. I couldn't lose you. It would hurt too much. So don't leave me either. Don't scare me like you're going to either because I know how you feel, being so close to the edge, I scare myself. But not half as much as you do when you come this close. I can save myself from falling given time, but I can't save you.

~Sisi

sierra, as long as you can save urself, that alone will save me. Being close to the edge all the time, its scary, and it hurts, but i know i can pull through it. And so can you.
Sometimes when im out, and i see a car coming 2wards me, or a train, the same thought goes through my head over and over and over, like its SCREAMING at me to jump. jump in front of it. suicide suicide suicide
I do know how u feel huni, i really do, i know that u are hurting, and i know how close u are to giving up. But u have to promise me that everything will be alright, and that YOU will be alright.
Sisi u met u on this site for a reason, whether u believe that or not, and im not about to give up on you that easily. You will always come first, so dont give up ok????
Please.

Sisi, you said all you need in life is love, family, and friendship. You also said you only had one out of the three, and that's friendship from us, your meatball hoagies. But honey, we are love. We are your family... and I know that's not what you meant. But you could honestly not have any family at all. Your family, they do care, as much as you think they don't. Until they all leave you, until they all throw you away or leave you, you have them, honey. My real dad, he left when I was four, but it doesn't even matter, really. Because he's not important, and I think you need to look more for what is important in life rather than what you're missing out on. You talk about shades of gray.. why are they grey? It's not that you aren't beautiful, because God, Georgie is right. You are beautiful. Gorgeous, in fact. You can't see it because this depression is a disease, overwhelming you and your life and everything you stand for.

Geo, Sisi, you guys are so beautiful. And you can't, you just can't let this control you, because as soon as you do, it's going to take you. And I would go insane without either one of you here. And if one of you was gone, I have this feeling that the other one would go, too. Maybe not in body, but in spirit. Don't do that to yourselves... don't do that to me, don't do that to each other. Think not about what is here, think about what you are leaving behind you, because that is so much more important.

You both will be ok, as long as you decide you want to be ok. You're in my prayers, loves, and don't ever give up on your dreams or your life. I love you both so much ~

Car

Well said Carlee, the most beautimus and caring of us all. I love you sooooooooooooooo much!

Send me a letter some time..i be gettin lonely without hearin from you.

SWEET 16!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SILLY!!!

Sierra I'm sorry to hear you're unhappy and depressed. I have no way of knowing since I don't hear from you or get a call from you. You and I have always been free to talk about anything and sometimes you don't always see things as they really are when I do try to see things your way and help you so if you are hurt at me I am truly sorry. I have spent all your years taking you places, doing things with you, and buying you anything and trying to make up for your life at home and have lost my own daughter fighting for you and Savannah. I never hear from Savannah and I rarely hear from you and I have a heart and get hurt to because I have loved you so much and tried to show it so if you're mad at me throw it out there and let me know why then we'll see what the problem is but I've come and got you and done and bought all that I could and I hear nothing from you so this works both ways. You're not a child now you're grown and you make your own choices even if you also decide to not love me. I will abide by that but I will always love you. I am truly sorry your life is hard. I tried to tell you before life can change tomorrow or next year and your life be great but "death is a permanent end to a temporary problem" You Know My brothers did it and there is no second chances and there is no glory. It is the ending of something that could be a beautiful life in a few years and you and Georgi have plans and no one can tell you what to do then. I love you Sierra and you know that. Nana

Thank you, Nana. I love you too.

I'm not angry. But as it is, I haven't ever chosen a side. I am, in general, the keeper of secrets. I enjoy knowing, but some things I can't handle. I have dealt with those Important things, but when all that I do turns around on me, and everyone is suddenly looking at me like I've done the world a great injustice, I can't stand myself, even when I've done nothing wrong....it's a VERY VERY long and complicated story. And mom gets more and more angry with me by each day because I haven't defended her. Sure, things haven't been handeled right by ANYONE, but I love both of you with everything I have. To hurt one of you..it would kill me.....and to be standing at this crossroad...either road I take I'm going to hurt someone. So being what I am has backstabbed me, ruined my birthday, and scarred me...

Like, for example, last time I got in an arguement with mom, like 1 day ago, i was crying my eyes out in my room at 11:00 about a friend of mine and mom just barged right in and yelled at me, "IF YOU HATE IT SO EFFING MUCH HERE, WHY DON'T YOU JUST CALL NANA AND GET HER TO BRING THE POLICE OVER HERE?!"

She knows this whole thing between both of you has utterly destroyed me and continues to eat away at me. No matter how hard I try to tell either one of you, I want out. I don't want to be involved in this feud but I....I want to see you. Because I DO LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR WHAT I DO OR WHAT HAPPENS.

It's just gotten SO complicated, but thank you for your concern.

Sweetheart don't defend me it's not your fight. I refuse to fight with her anymore so she can't get to me she can make or break her own life and she has been away from me and Troy long enough to get over any mistakes we might have caused. She's using it as a crutch and she never lived the life you guys did and she knows it. Whenever she says something about me agree with her. I always told Donnie to with Troy. I need no defending. Get that monkey off your back. Tell her sounds like you and your mom needs to have this conversation not me and you and she won't call me but she'll get off of you just repeat it each time she tells you. Whether I was in your life or not your mom is going to do that to hurt and place blame the way her dad did. They never admit wrong and could never let anything go. You're a brilliant beautiful loving doll that has been beaten down but Sierra it won't be much long to you have a choice and you can afford to do what you want. Don't mess up your life being beat down by some punk kid who aint worth the time of day who makes you feel worthless either.

First off you have to learn to love yourself before you can ever truly love anyone else and you have to be dependent on yourself and noone else before you need to have a relationship which means you need to break the cycle of having to have a man in your life like your mom (any man). Take the time and love yourself and get healthy and have a healthy relationship that will be something and not end in something tragic.

I had rather you not talk to me that to hurt for me because that is not a fair shake. Please agree with her with whatever she says because it means nothing to me what she says any more and I do understand the position you're in just like I did Donnie.

Take care of yourself sweetheart I love you very much and you getting by is all that matters. Love Nana

sisi, Nana is right! Take her advice hun ok? Otherwise u are gonna be going round n round in circles ALL over again, n tht aint fun. :(

Love ya sooo much

~Georgi
MBH#1 4ever!!!