cheating spouses

Why would a husband or wife cheat after being faithful for 15 + years of marriage? I don't get it.

i dont knwo, i ofter ponder the question also, i mean if you devote you life to one person for 15 years why choose the destroy it then? It often makes me question love, and what it really is and really becomes and if it really is...it saddens me to see couples break up after that long...someone always gets hurt...all well the human mind is a weird thing.

JBN

Sometimes They Do It To See If The Grass Is Greaner On The Other Side, Some Do It Out Of Pure Temptation, Some Even Do It For Revenge....But All I Know Is 9 Out Of 10 People That Cheat On Their Spouse Regret It, The Other 1% Are Heartless xoxo-Nikki-xoxo

Thanks for your input. I still don't get it though. I mean why would you want to throw away 15 years of marriage for a fling?

:(

*Hugging Tammy* We All Make Mistakes And Dumb Decisions Sometimes, And If This Happened To You, I Just Want You To Know That Anyone Who Would Cheat On You Would Be The Dumbest Person In The World, Because You Would Make a Great Wife In My Eyes xoxo-Nikki-xoxo

Tammy, there are many decisions that go into it. My ex and I fought horribly and she told me for ten years to "get a girlfriend". One day, I heard a voice on the phone and fell immediately in love. We were already talking about getting divorced and I was living in another part of the house. Had that not been the case, I would have never done anything. We were married 22 years. I read your poem and have read many of your others over the months. Why, if all was right, would someone do that? I do not know. I turned down numerous opportunities when our marriage was not horrible. I have turned them down now, because I am with the person I will spend the rest of my life with. Every situation is different. I have friends who cheat, because they are insecure and this gives them an ego boost. Only the one who did it really knows.

'Only the one who did it really knows' < I like that a lot and that makes so much sense. No one can tell you why they did what they did but only simply that they did do it. When something like that happens of course it makes you wonder really what love its but 'the one' might not have been THE one. Everyone has their ways of thinking and its up to no one about why they think the way they do and. Some things happen to people and no one can say why but things always happen for a reason, good or bad. Sure cheating isn't the answer but it can be your answer. You can't ask why they do it or how they could possible do such a thing unless you were them or you too go through such a thing. They do it and that's all there is to it. They don't need to give you a reason or anyone else. And they might not regret it but that doesnt mean they are heartless, it means that their heart wasnt in the right place in the begining.

I truly thank you all for your response.
I guess I am just really confused right now. This is just something I never thought I would be dealing with. Up until this past April my husband was about as close to perfect as you could get. Then I found out he was having an affair with a woman we went to church with. She left the church & we worked it out. I totally forgave him for it. I never mentioned it again once we decided we were going to stay together. And now a few months later...here we are again. I mean if we fought or argued or our sex life was lacking or something, I may have expected it. But we don't fight or hardly ever argue & we have NEVER let our sex life get boring. I don't know, I just don't understand it. It will all be ok though... just a lot different :(

I have a question for the older men ...
Do men actually go through a second childhood? My husband is 39 now. I have had several people tell me that is what it is. I doubt this, but then again I am not a man, so maybe I am wrong. I'd just like to hear what you think about it.

Mike, I don't know why opportunity presents itself when it does. I consider myself a recovering Catholic (no longer tormented with guilt) and am more spiritual than religious. This http://www.best-love-poems.com/poems.php?id=521090 tells the simple story of a man near death, having an out of body experience and finding real love in the arms of the person he (I) was meant to be with. A true story. She sent me an email, professing her love for me, at the moment I was near death. Although neither of our divorces are final (almost a year later) we have exchanged vows and consider ourselves married in our hearts (something we never were before). We realize that if you aren't married in your heart, it doesn't matter if you are married legally or in the eyes of the lord. Marriage begins and ends where love does, in the heart. We trust each other and would never do anything to hurt the other. But, we also respect each other and put the others needs first. It only took me a lifetime (I'm 42) to figure this out.

Tammy, I left my wife for a woman 12 years younger than me. Not because of a second childhood but because she went from being mean to being abusive verbally to me and verbally and physically to my son. She went from telling me to get a girlfriend to being cold and indifferent. Our marriage was over. I don't think men go through a second childhood. I do think that if they are not happy, they reach a point where mortality sets in and they want to be happy before they die. In my case, I fell in love with my twin soul, someone I was meant to be with from the beginning and my journey to her was through my first wife. In order to fully appreciate each other and not repeat the mistakes of our youth and ignorance, we both needed to go through what we did (her marriage was to a controller who interrogated her every night about her day and who she spoke to, etc. and was horribley disrespectful to her). Due to his insecurities, he didn't trust her. We are an hour and half apart and see each other every other day. We trust each other. We respect each other and we never ask the other to be something they are not. If you do, you are asking that person to give away a piece of themselves. Sooner or later, they will resent it and you. Hang in there. It gets better.

Thanks Bill. I know it will get better. I plan to be happy no matter what. It's kind of hard right now but I know that happiness will come with time.

By the way, I am really happy for you that you found the person God made just for you. I hope you will always be as happy together as you are now. God bless you both.

Thank you Tammy. You are a truly wonderful person and you will be happy, because you deserve it and because you choose to.

It could be sort of like a mid-life crisis thing....

Mike, good luck to you and yours. It is nice to be with someone who doesn't see you as a paycheck. When my fiancee fell in love with me I had fifteen bucks in the bank. She knew it, she is my banker. Now, all that is different. I attribute the change to many things, one of which being in love with someone who loves me for me would love me whether I do what I do or I worked in a carwash.

some people get bored of their spouse and go looking for excitment.

Mike I am really sorry to hear about what you went through. But it helps me to know you are happy again.
I am glad you mentioned the kids. I am having a very hard time with that. We have 5 children that are NOT taking this very well at all. I mean if you had seen our marriage... there's no way the kids could have been prepared for this. I feel like maybe I should try to stick it out for the kids, but it would never work. I no longer trust him & refuse to live my life worrying about what my spouse is doing all the time. That's not love in my book.
Anyway, Bill & Mike (& everyone else) I do appreciate all of your help on this matter. You guys are great!
Take care & I pray you will always be happy.

Mike, I got everything. The house, vehicles, 23 years of stuff, my 401k and she pays child support. I chalk that up to the laws of karma...you don't get to do that to your child and benefit from it.

For me the right thing was to keep my son in the house. She tried to kill him twice and due to a mental illness she would not get treatment for when out (had her committed once) she was abusive to him and wants, to this day, to kill him. I had to shield him in court last week from her. Her actions led to her predicament. I have an obligation to return his life to normal and that means the home he grew up in and the stuff he grew up with. I feel so sorry for him. I can't imagine my mom trying to kill me, despite her threatening to many times (she never meant it).

Oh my goodness. I feel so sorry for that child. I can't even begin to imagine how that must feel.
Does she have visitation?
How old is he?

He is seventeen now and she has visitation at his discrection. So, that won't happen. He was only at court because she subpeonead him (it was the only way she could see him). He is determined to never see her again, unless she get treatment and takes her medication. She won't because she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. She is right and the rest of the world is wrong.

It's good that your son is old enough to decide on his own. I still feel for him.It's hard to imagine what he must feel inside.

OK . Well, he finally gave me a reason for his affairs.
I am too perfect...What the hell does that mean??
That's all he said...Too perfect?????

I guess he is looking for someone who will spend money foolishly...who will cheat on him...who is a bad mother to his children... someone who doesn't put his needs before their own...

Is that what too perfect would mean??

I should have just been a crappy wife & he would still be here?

Thanks Satin..I couldn't forget that. His is a love I can always count on.

Sounds like a great way to not accept responsibility without being offensive in shifting the blame. A backhanded compliment. Tammy, let your faith guide you. You are a good person and deserve the love and respect of someone who will honor and treasure you for the person you are.

I talked to my husband after church this morning. We went to lunch to talk about this. I guess I got some answers in a round about way. He says too perfect means I never do anything wrong. I don't understand why he would want me to...whatever. Maybe to justify when he does something wrong...I don't know. I think it is just an excuse. He wants to come back home & is promising he will never do this again. However, as much as I love him, I really don't think it will ever be the same. I can't trust him. I do love him with all of my heart. I am not sure if I want to set myself up to be hurt again. I mean I never dreamed he would ever do this to me again after the first time, but he did & it didn't take him long either. It was only 6 months or so. He was crying & telling me how ashamed he is. This is driving me crazy. I mean I love him & it tears me apart to see him hurting so much, but didn't he kinda ask for this?? I truly do not want to get a divorce, but at the same time I don't want to be hurt again either.

I could never be in a relationship with someone I do not trust. The foundation for a successful relationship is trust. If everytime they work late or go in on a weekend, I don't trust them, why be there? I also subscribe to the theory that God forgives, I don't. You hurt me once and you don't get a second chance. After two strikes, why set yourself up for a third? My sister did and it was because of her self esteem. Chin up. Move on.

Bill, that's pretty much the way I am looking at it. I would love to give him another chance, but I am not willing to go through this again in another 6 months or so. I pretty much have my mind made up about this. I just have to try to not let the fact that he is hurting bother me. It's hard because I am the type of person that if I see someone hurting I always try to fix it for them. So, for me to just let him hurt is gonna be tough. I am going to have to stay strong & try to remember he'll get over it.

Tammy, when his behavior was hurting you, or at the least, had the potential to hurt you, he did not stop. After he hurt you the first time, her continued. You are strong, intelligent and attractive. You will move on and do well. You cannot fix what someone does not want changed. My ex would not take her medication, which led to some horrible behavior. She had to go. If he was an alcoholic and wouldn't stop drinking...sooner or later you would have to part ways. Having sex, outside of a committed relationship is not acceptable. It destroys the trust and erodes the foundation of the family. No one wins and everyone hurts. I understand how you feel, as I have always been the "fix it" person....I have learned some tough lessons the last year and the hardest one for me personally was that I cannot fix what others are not willing to fix within themselves. It hurts, but I am stronger for having accepted and those around me are stronger, as I no longer try to come to their rescue, but instead stand by their side. I would encourage you to Google: Poem The Race and read it. I keep a copy at home and in my office. On days when I feel like a fire hydrant in a city of dogs, I read it and it helps me rally and move forward. When I shared it with my fiancee, it was a defining moment for her, as she realized that I was not like the other men she had known, I was both tough as nails and compassionate.

Bill,
Thank you for suggesting that poem. It is a wonderful poem and full of encouragement. I have printed it out as well. I needed to read that. Again, thank you.

It's funny that you would say if he was an alcoholic and wouldn't stop drinking sooner or later we would have to part ways. That actually happened in our relationship. I couldn't stand it any more & asked him to just slow down. He couldn't do it. He would drink and hide the bottles from me , as if I would never know. I finally moved out and within one month he had stopped drinking & has never touched it since. I moved back in and we started going to church.

I would like to thank you for the compliment about being strong, intelligent & attractive, moving on & doing well.
The only problem I can see with this is I don't see any men lined up just looking for a 40 year old woman with 5 kids. (not that I am ready to date ) The bright side to this is in a little more than 5 years the kids will all be 18. Their ages now are 12, 13, 14, 15 & 21.
Can't ya see the line forming?? LMAO

Honestly, when this thread began, I had the feeling that somehow it might be that your husband felt uneasy over your competence and capability. On another forum I had recently seen a very similar topic with similar circumstances and the same underlying problem. That discussion included about 100 posts and the input and insight from a retired marriage counselor.

This is something that comes up more frequently than most people realize. It's a paradox because most men want a wife capable of doing all the many things we do in managing the household and attending to his needs as well as those of the children. But most men also want to feel that their wives are dependent upon them and rely upon them. A lot of men, whether they admit it or not, feel their role is threatened by a woman who appears more intelligent or more capable or has a higher income earning capacity.

I never had to face this when I was married because I was young, uneducated, totally dependent upon and totally devoted to my husband. We had a very happy marriage but then I lost him when I was 23. During the subsequent years I became a much stronger, more independent, educated and success motivated person. Those are presumed to be worthwhile traits but they carried a price. Now in my second relationship of 1-1/2 years, we have experienced conflict already. It was a struggle just to identify the real problem. It was his perception that I exceed him in a couple of different ways. He saw this as a threat because he thought this would lead to my exercising most of the control in our relationship. It was really an irrational fear IMO. But with a lot of communication and understanding we are getting beyond that - I hope.

In most cases, marital infidelity is a symptom of deeper problems in a relationship. It is truly unfortunate that your husband couldn't have openly shared his feelings after the first episode so that you could have identified the root problem (his problem) and dealt with it at that time. And now that he admitted what the real conflict is about, it is too late to remedy it.

Anyway, I wish you well, Tammy, and God bless.

Thank you Lydia.
I wish he would have shared his feelings earlier as well.
I wish you & your husband all the best.

Tammy, the men will beat down your door, for an opportunity to spend time with you. Have confidence in yourself and when the time is right, you will find the right person to spend your life with. I wasn't looking when the most amazing woman in the world walked into my life and shared her life and love with me. Love, like opportunity, comes when least expected.

Bill that was more sarcasim than anything else. I know you are right, there is someone out there for me. I don't believe I will be looking for quite some time though. It's going to take me a little while to adjust to this new life. My main focus now is on my kids, getting them raised happy & healthy. And hopefully finding a better job so I keep up the lifestyle the kids are used to. I will worry about finding someone later. BTW...Do you have a brother? LMAO j/k

I do have a brother, but he is 18 years older than me and I haven't seen him since I threw him through the living room window when I was fifteen....long story.

I spend a lot of time focusing on my son. I have been battling being sick and I rallied yesterday to make biscuits and gravy for breakfast, bake cinamon raisin bread and make beek stroganoff for dinner, and write a few new poems. Keeping the world safe and sane for your kids right now is so important, because they will feel pulled in so many directions.

Bill, your brother is a little too old for me anyhow.. LOL

You sound like such a good father. And you cook too?? I hope your son realizes what he has in you. I'm sure he does.

Gary (my husband) & I have made a vow to be friends no matter what for the kids. We can't put them in the middle of our mess. We are going to try to keep things as normal as possible for them.

Good. If you put the kids first, then the rest will go easier. It is hard to fight when everything is viewed from the perspective of kids first.

I am a pretty good cook.....can do it all, but I love to cook for people. I am looking forward to Thursday. It is the first Thanksgiving since my mom died (on Thanksgiving) that I have looked forward to. We are doing the blended family thing and as long as the exes don't act crazy, it should be great. I used to hate this time of year, but now I have something to give thanks for. Last year, I was still in my angry with God phase and was mad that I woke up alive that day.

We have always put the kids first, I don't intend to change that now. We don't ever want to make them feel like they have to choose sides. We are still their parents & we both love them & want them to love both of us. I would like to put as little stress on them as possible.

I love Thanksgiving. I am happy you will enjoy it this year.
We have kind of a strange thanksgiving dinner.
One of my brothers usually smokes a turkey, but the spotlight is always on the seafood jambalaya my other brother makes. It is soooo good. And I make Italian wedding soup... yum! Have you ever had it? And death by chocolate...it is to die for. Oh and we make sweet potatoes with red hots & pecans...I'm getting hungry..I better stop LOL
Enjoy your Thanksgiving Bill!!

LOL
Thanks Mike your brother sounds like a wonderful guy.
I'll keep him in mind for later when I am ready to date again :)
What kind of wife would get mad at her husband for wanting to shower after a days work?? That's just crazy.

Mike I don't understand why some people waste their time being upset over little things. If something a spouse is doing is bothering someone, they should talk it over with them, but I have learned if you want to be truly happy you have to let a lot of the little things slide.
Believe me, I used to be a clean/neat freak. I couldn't stand ANYTHING out of place. But 5 kids will make you get over that REAL quick.
One time I was having a great New Year's Eve party at my house and at midnight everyone went outside, except me of course. I was so obsessed with a clean house that I cleaned everything up while they were outside, washed the ashtrays & all. When they came back in the party died cause people didn't want to mess my house up. How lame is that? LMAO
I am glad I am not like that anymore. Now my house is clean but "lived in"
There's a part of me that would still like it to be spotless, but it's not worth the time I would lose with my kids.

My ex was the same way. When I was working in an Intensive Management Unit (prison for people that don't work and play well with others in prison), I would come home and jump in the shower right away. I always got grief about it....I just attributed it to her being nuts......It didn't deter me though.....funk is funk and must go.