Hate my Father; Or just Hate me?

when I was about 8 my father would come home extremly drunk in the middle of the night my mother would lock me and my two older brothers in the bathroom and tell us to what there till it was all over. I would never see my father because when he would get home from work he would go straight to the bar with our neighbor. (I still remember so many times he told me he would be there but "forgot") He has led me to do some pretty stupid things. Well now that I'm 14 he is trying to see me more and become a part of my life but it is too late for him to be a part of my two brother's lives because ones going into the Navy next year and the other is in college. Once he divorced my mother he remarried the neighbor who is was cheating on my mother with.......He tells all his coworkers and friends that I have become such a beautiful young woman....and I have achieved so much while trying to get him back but I closed the door on that and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to forgive him especially since he is still with our old neighbor.I have been cutting since I was eleven, Burning myself since I was 13 and have been biting and bruising myself since I was 13 also......."in away I use pain as an outlet for everything now first it started off small but grew and yeah I have been caught about 4 times I go to a conselor (though it isn't much help) and was sent to the hospital by 6th grade.I have attempted suicide twice. I am supposed to take Zoloft but have saved it all now over 3000mg. I think I honestly don't know what to do anymore. so I'm asking for some advice
..............I could go into more detail but whats the use

can someone please just say something

its hard... but i think you need to talk to your father about it.. like sit down and actually talk... then maybe after sit down with him and his wife now and talk??
i think its not fair for you to act this way, but its also not fair for you to accept back everything after what happened... so... i think maybe you should try to compromise, and most importantly stop cutting, it's hard, but keep trying...

Thats the thing my father would always say I'm being to emotional and he would just leave he still does that he doesn't think he has done anything wrong but to me ditching your daughters first communion to got get drunk,high and have sex with you best friends mom is not right and hurtfukl to me.

omg, i know how hurt you are. i can relate about the drinking thing and cutting myself, but your dad is worse than mine. if iwere you you, i wouldn't probably forgive, but that's just the way i am. you do whatever you think is right. please don't kill yourself, and please try to stop cutting. i know it's hard, because i'm trying to stop too. just don't give up, and stay stay strong.
*lisa*

I don't know anymore.......

i think you should give your father a chance. sit down and talk to him, tell him exactly what he put you through. you're going to have to forgive him sooner or later, because he is your father and because sooner or later you will realize that no matter how bad it had been it can get better now and you will realize that you do need him.
harming yourself wont make any of it go away and won't make any of it better. sure it helps forgetting the world exists and forgetting the things about your father, but it always comes back to you and you end up regretting.
i'm sorry your father put you through that, and i'm sorry you have to pay for his mistakes. but if you want to stop hanging in the dark and put your life together then you have the choice to forgive your father and help yourself.
You should not be feeling hate for yourself, for it is not your fault that your father screwed up.

thing is on the divorce papers it says he is not allowed to talk to me about what went wrong and he reguses to talk about without yelling

I have tried to shut the pain out for so many years but now that he came back all that anger is coming back aswell

anyone have any ideas?

Hey baby. I wanna give you a hug first *cyber hug* cuz I feel your pain and my heart is crying out to you. Your father was a real jerk then and now and you shouldn't be forced to deal with that. Your emotions and self are fragile right now and have been for a while ( say this b/c of the cutting, and yes I am a cutter/burner too,) anyway, you do not need to take this extra burden on yourself right now. Get him out, get him away for now. Forgiveness takes time, and if you are not ready yet do not try to force it b/c you will just hate him more. Tell your mom, you counselor (I know they suck, been there too,) anyone who will make it so he leaves you alone and gets out of your life for now. This is difficult b/c he is your father, but you have enough to deal with, and he needs to own up to what he did and how much he hurt you. I am not saying you should never see him again by any means, I am just saying that you need to care for you right now and get your life on track before you try to add more stress to it. If he won't listen to you, tell someone who will and take action. Baby you are too good for this, and it isn't right that you should have wanted to end your own life. I've . . . been down that road more times than I want to remember. I have tried to kill myself 8 times in my life and I feel for you, for you broken battered heart and body. If I can help you baby, please let me know what I can do. Hunny we at this site are behind you and are with you. Good luck baby, the best of luck to you! Love ya hunny.

-Mikochan

thank you so much it means alot to me I'm going to try to talk to someone about it and see what happens

Hey! Hope u r ok,WOW I have read the posts that people have left u some agree and others i don't
see I know what is like to see a parent drunk to have a home where there is no peace where ur mother is was to busy getting drunk and not caring for you.....to get beaten just because she was angry or too drunk to care....... and as a child believing that it was going to stop... see I had 10 years of my life seeing her as drunk and 8 more of gettin beat by her.... she was weak because she took the easy way out to deal with her problems...to get drunk and hate..........
Not me I made a choice not to follow her steps or to hurt my self because I am stronger.....And I believe if your Father really loves you and whants to work things out with you he should let you heal first it is about you now and the things that u r doing to hurt your self won't make it better. You might think that u r not strong but u r Because u r a survivor.....Always remember there is always someone out there that will help you heal it is you that needs to give them that chance God Bless

try writting him a letter

www.mental_wellbeing@hotmail.co.uk