jokes that make you want to LYAO

anybody have any really, REALLY funny jokes?

No. I'm not funny at all. Except when I don't want to be...

um...this is kinda funny.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A boy was talking to his teacher and asked,
"There are three women eating ice cream. One is sucking it, one is licking it, and the other is biting it. Which one is married?"

The teacher replies,
"Well, I guess the one sucking it."

The boy then says
"No. It's the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you're thinking."
-----------------------------------------------------------
For some reason I love that joke!

lmao ^^ that made me bust out laughing

haha! :D that's funny :D did that actually happen, or is it just a joke? xD

x

Taha, That's like one of the funniest jokes I've ever heard. Lol..

it's just a joke.

that'd be funny if it actually happened =]

hahahah hilarious!

A couple go back to the field that they used to make love in. Overcome with memories, they start to get carried away and have a passionate few hours. The man says "You never used to get so excited before", his wife replies "The fence never used to be electric"

I got told yesterday, thought it was kinda funny!

A man goes into a bar and asks the bartender to line up 12 shots of bourbon in a row. "What`s the occasion?" the bartender asks. " I am celebrating my first b**wjob. the man replied.'"Well then, let me buy you one myself" said the bartender.

"No Thanks" said the man " If the first 12 doesn`t get this taste outta my mouth, 13 aint gonna do it!"

lmao 2 all 3

that last one was really funny =]

Lmfao @ Timothy r's one.
And Kimi doll, Yours was funny to =P

a man and woman are at the breakfast table, the woman says to her husband "you know my nipples are as hot for you now as they were 50 years ago"
"i should think so" her husband replies "ones in yer coffee, the others in yer porridge"

so how do you catch an elephant????

well, you go and dig a BIG hole in the ground, and you fill this whole with ashes. You then put peas all the way around the hole, and when the elephant goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole! HA
yeah, not the best in the world, but i laugh every time.

=D thats weird !
well ... i have no jokes :(

One day a 6 year old was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:

TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He just doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.

The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the
boy:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No.
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!

HAHAHAHAHA

Hee, ^ that one was good!

Yeah, I don't know any jokes. Boo.

haha there are some funny ones right here! lol good ones

Jimmy came down for breakfast one morning. He seen that his mother was fixing bacon, eggs, and milk...his favorite. His mother asked him if he had done his chores, and of course..his anwser was no. Well, mother said "Jimmy, you can't have your breakfast until you finish your chores". This made Jimmy pretty upset. So he went out to feed the pigs, and he was so mad, he kicked one. Then, he went to feed the chickens..he was still mad, so he kicked a chicken. Finally, he went to feed the cow. Jimmy was still angry, so he kicked the cow.
He came back into the kitchen and asked his mother for his breakfast. She handed him a bowl of dry cereal. Jimmy said "wheres my bacon, eggs, and milk??? Mother told him "well, I seen you kick a pig, so you don't get any bacon. I seen you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I seen you kick a cow, so you don't get any milk"
About that time, Jimmy's father came in. His father was frustrated, and he kicked the cat out of his way. Jimmy looked at his mother and said..."should you tell him, or should I"???

haha, sorry it was so long, but I thought it was funny

that one was hilarious!!!

~ thanks!!

oh god...so he's not going to get any pussy? that is awful.

My favorite:

Two women decided to have a girls night out. They were walking home compleatly drunk, and had to go to the bathroom. They decided to go in a grave yard, with the cover of tombstones. After they did their buisness they realized they had nothing to wipe with. The 1st woman decided to take off her panties and use them, but the 2nd was wearing expensive underwear and found a card on a grave to use......The next morning the two women's husbands were talking "This girls night out has to stop...my wife came home without her panties!" The 2nd man replied "that's nothing, my wife came home with a card that said 'from all of us at the firestation- we will miss you' stuck to her butt."

That I always found halarious.

LMAO.. funny

joke:
================================
A lady around seven months pregnant got on a street car and sat down.
She noticed the man opposite her smiling. Feeling humiliated, she promptly changed her seat.
This time, his smile turned to a grin. She changed her seat again.
He seemed still more amused.
When on the fourth change he burst out laughing, she could not bear it any longer.
She complained to the conductor, who had the man arrested.
When the date came up in court the judge asked the man if he had anything to say.
"Your honor, it was like this," he said. "When the lady came in, I could not help but notice her condition."
"She sat under a sign that read, 'Gold Dust Twins coming.' I had to smile to myself".
"Then she moved under an ad that said, 'Use Sloan's Linament to reduce that swelling.'"
"When she placed herself under 'William's Stick Did It,' I couldn't hold myself."
"The fourth time she sat below, 'Goodyear Rubber would have prevented this accident,' and I laughed out loud!"
"Dismissed," said the judge.

it made me crack up lmao

haha awesome!!!

**************************

one day, an englishman, a canadian and an american get stranded on a an island. they are captured by cannibals, and they must complete a task if they wish to live. so, the cannibal leader orders each one to go into the jungle and find some fruit. they leave, and the englishman arrives holding 3 apples. the cannibal leader tells him that if he must shove the apples up his behind without laughing or screaming if he wants to live. he cant do it, and the cannibals kill him. when the canadian comes back holding 10 grapes, the cannibals instruct him to do the same. he is doing well until he gets to the last grape. he starts laughing uncontrollably and he is killed.
the canadian and the englishman are both just chillin' up in heaven, and the englishman asks, "hey, why did u start laughing...you were so close!!" and the canadian replied, "because i saw the american coming back, and he was holding pineapples!!!"

hahaha i LUV that joke, i know its kind of gross, but it cracks me up every time!!!

haha

Four School friends meet at their School Reunion. One of the friends goes to bathroom and the others start to talk about their sons& Guy 1: You know my son? Im so proud of him cause he was so successful. He became so rich that he gave one of his best friends a 2-million dollar Mansion for free!
Guy 2: Really? My sons made me proud too. Hes become so rich from acting and gave his closest friend 2 free Hummer H2s.
Guy 3: Even my son got rich. He won the 8 million-dollar Lotto and he bought his friend a private yacht and jet.
The fourth High school Guy comes back from the bathroom and overhears them talking about their sons. So he began to tell them about his son.
Guy 4: Yeah, well, my son hasnt been as successful like your sons have. Hes gay and works at a gay stripping joint for a living.
Guy 1: What a shame.
Guy 4: No, not really. He lives in a 2-million dollar mansion, owns his own jet and yacht, and owns 2 Hummer H2s which were all given to him by 3 of his Ex-boyfriends.

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, I introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Matt,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Matt," he said.
I replied, "**** off, Bill. Cant you see I'm in a meeting."

What do you call someone who decides to jump off a bridge in Paris?
In Seine

^^ Lame...:/

haha...:)

those jokes were all really funny! =)
here's one...

Q: Why don't Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus have any children?

A: Because Santa only cums (comes) once a year! =)

A man was walking along the beach and he discovers a bottle lying in the sand. So naturally he opens it and out pops a dijinn (or genie). The dijinn, grateful for his release says: "For releasing me from my prison, I will grant you one wish."

The man stops and thinks. One wish, he didn't want to blow it. After taking a while to think of his wish he goes: "Alright, screw it, I want there to be a real interstate made to Hawaii."

The dijinn breaks out laughing. "That's impossible. Ask for something else."

The man says in response: "Fine. I want to know how the female mind works."

The dijinn then asks: "Do you want that highway to have 2 or 4 lanes?"

*dies laughing on floor*

.:Danielle:.

Another guy is walking down the beach and finds another bottle in the sand. And sure enough, when he pops the cork, a big cloud of blue smoke shoots up and there is a dijinn.

The dijinn says in a voice that quakes the earth: "For your kind deed I will give you three wishes."

The man smiles. He had been waiting for this for his whole life. "Alright for my first wish I want a million dollars in my bank account." There was a puff of blue smoke and papers went flying around and the man had a million dollars in his bank account.

The man was stunned and smiled. "Great! For my second wish I want to have a 52 room mansion with servants, expensive cars, the works." There was another puff of blue smoke and when it cleared, the man had his mansion.

The man admired his new home and turned to the dijinn. "For my last wish, I want to be totally irresistible to women."

And poof, the man turned into a box of chocolates

^ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHH!!!

I thought that he'll turn into a coco crunch!

^^ *dies laughing on floor, again* Omg.. that's hilarious

.:Danielle:.

My friend sent me this today. I couldn;t stop laughingg.

A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny: "F*ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

This post is a year old.