â—Š Atomic's Poetry Contest â—Š

Well, I feel it's time to start a new poetry contest considering I've been in a mood to read poems.

RULES:

1) Must rhyme.
2) Must be your own work.
3) One poem per poet.
4) No longer than 40 lines.
5) No using slangs.
6) Love and sad poems only.

TWIST IN CONTEST:

Each poet is to give an honest critique on the poem above theirs, if you don't, you're disqualified. I am judging on how you give critiques and how well you express yourself through poety.

PRIZES:

1st place: A spot on my favourite's list and 5 comments/votes.

2nd place: 5 comments/votes.

3rd place: 3 comments/votes.

Other contestants are to be mention in name and given a critique by me towards the end.

CONTEST ENDS: 2/1/06

( )_( )
(='.'=)
(")-(") Arrivederci!

First person is to critique this poem by me, afterwards just continue without flaws.

The Heart of The Eyes
by â—Š Atomic â—Š

Eyes burned with tears unshed,
Stubbornness won't let it fall.
It hurts from what it sees,
And blinded by what it saw.

Heartaches glisten its lashes,
Thousands of tears kept at bay.
Saw all the painful scenes,
But no strength to look away.

The sorrows of yesterday,
Reflected brightly in its shine.
Its innocence and loneliness,
Became one as it entwine.

It never thought the pain,
It felt would ever fall.
Until the heart cried,
And broke its only wall.

Blinking it away,
A single tear rolled down.
Hitting the heart at home,
Slowly it begins to drown.

Pitter patter of the eyes,
Crying for a dying heart.
Posture broken down,
Emotionally torn apart.

( )_( )
(='.'=)
(")-(") Arrivederci!©

The grammer is a bit off and The wording seems forced.. Other than that its a great poem. You included some great imagery too... "Blinking it away,
A single tear rolled down.
Hitting the heart at home,
Slowly it begins to drown"

That was awesome.

~Anthony

Well, it doesn't seem that Anthony posted a poem... But if he would, I'd be more than happy to comment on it.. Should I comment on yours instead?

Okay, just comment on mine then. But when you comment on mine, add a poem of your own so the next person can comment on it and so forth.

( )_( )
(='.'=)
(")-(") Arrivederci!

um, you said it would be decided on 2/1/06.... is that still teh daedline?? am i too late??

I basically agree with Anthony; I think at some points you might have fallen into 'forced rhyming' and allowed the end-rhymes to direct your work[shine - entwine .. stanza 3]. I did love the imagery as well and the concept surely calls for clear visuals.. I think the last line is a bit of a cop out, in some ways.. It seems a bit too plain to me and not in sync with the rest of the poem. You embody tears with animate qualities through the whole poem but I feel kind of let down and couldn't help but wondering if you could have wrapped it up better and more uniform to the concept, somehow. 4/5

Danse Macabre [Dance of Death]

Transfixed by the movements, the musical vibrance,
We move to the tune of invisible sirens.
Reality reposes with the closing of eyelids,
Then lies change to truth and peace transforms violence.
As the colors fade from blue, all noise turns to silence.

Upon awakening, I feel an icy hand capture me;
Pulling me down, closer to insanity.
Vertigo sets in, but the dizzying gravity
Helps to realize the hand is my own, that I’m actually
Standing stock-still, alone, blinded while I atrophy.

With our head down and eyes dripping wet,
Feeling hasn’t slipped from us yet.
Silence is a burden we grow to regret,
But still a reminder of that which is set:
The music of a past we’ll never forget.

A distant drone, or a heartfelt beating,
Omnipresent and ever-repeating.
Tongue tipped with malice, the devil is feeding
And tightening the noose which constricts our dreaming.
While robbed of our fruits we lie quiet,.. selfish and bleeding.

As we sit cradled by cold, grim hands,
Choice is beckoning, it calls, it demands
To face the music and to take a stance.
And as the echo lives on through our second chance,
We’re helplessly drawn into this wreckless dance.

Murder in a warehouse
by Tara Kay

A girl was walking home alone,
as a tall man walked by.
Her legs turned to stone,
she was scared but didn't know why.

He put his hand over her mouth,
and dragged her along.
As he headed south,
he hummed a merry song.

He took her to a warehouse,
and slammed the door shut.
He walked around her silently as a mouse,
then punched her in the gut.

She was too terrified to fight back,
her body shaking with fright.
He turned round to attack,
His fists clenched tight.

He hit her again,
she wanted to shout.
Her body hurt with pain.
What was this about?

He bound her up with rope,
as she began to cry.
She couldn't feel no hope,
he was going to let her die.

He punched and kicked her,
then she began to bleed.
This became a murder as he did the final deed.

He turned and smiled at her,
then shot her in the head,
all she saw was ablur,
and sadly she was dead.

Does anyone read the rules.. ever?

i have realised my poem has too many lines, take me out of the comp, please

Drew.....thank God you're here. Nope, seems like no one ever reads the directions, rules, or anything concerning a contest. I feel offended.

As for Tara Kay, your poem didn't go over 40 lines and you were suppose to critique Drew's poem.

This poety contest is closed, because I feel very, very offended that people can be so......

Thanks again Drew, I'll personally comment on your poem.

CONTEST CLOSED.

( )_( )
(='.'=)
(")-(") Arrivederci!

Ahh, it's closed anyways.

I would had made an exception for you Angie. =P

( )_( )
(='.'=)
(")-(") Arrivederci!

can u have another one? thats a really good idea u had

Ruby

Hey boy

Hey boy why can't you see
that we were meant to be
forget the girl on your side
come and kiss ME good night.

Hey boy it's not a shame
you can't always love the same
everyone needs a little change
at best in your closest range.

Hey boy what have you said
she won't stand for that?
she shouldn't be such egoist
and think about what I've missed.

Hey boy don't go mad
can't you love ME instead
tell me, what's the matter with you
Cause I need your nearness too.

Hey boy what's wrong with us
I also did everything she does
I'm disturbed? How did you dare
after all of my considerate care.

Hey boy you leave me cold
keep in mind what I have told
Cause I hope some day you will be
in the same situation just like me.