Depression Doctor Vol. 1

This weeks topic is 'BREAKUPS' so please tell me about your problems or just say your sad story, and I will listen.
Please also list a song you thing is good for dealing with breakups.

GA

This is certainly an interesting idea. Ummm well my break up story is long and painful and yeah so first the song. This song since you've been gone is good for dealing with break ups because it talks about being better off without the person you lost in the chorus. Hmmm my story: I was a freshman in highschool and new to the whole idea. In the middle of Oct. that year I met a really cool sophmore who had just moved in named Mike. He thought it was really cool that I played the harp so he come and introduced himself after our math class that we had together. We got along really well and he became the third member of my trio of friends that other being my best friend Emilee. So about the end of Nov. he asked me if I would go out with him. I REALLY REALLY liked him and I had thought he was cute for ages and I wanted to say yes, but I wasn't allowed to date until I was sixteen so I told him that and it made him sad, making me sad for him. He said it was okay, but then for the next month or so he would ask me out everyday until finally I said yes, cuz I really did like him and all. We became boyfriend and girlfriend and it was really great going to dances, making out, staying after school to be with eachother. I really loved him. The catch was that I had a conscious and began to feel really bad about not following my parents rules and so I was down a lot, loving the time I had with my boyfriend but hating myself for it after. You have to understand I had been dealing with depression and sucidalness since the year before off and on and I was having a lot of trouble with my family, with school, with grades, unhappy with myself and so on and so forth. One night I snapped and I cut myself. Slowly I feel deeper into depression than I had ever gone and I got really addicted to cutting. My boyfriend noticed a scar my arm (not many were deep enough to scar yet,) and he asked me what happened. I said it was just a cut. He said I just hope is wasn't done by you. I froze at my locker, so shocked that he would say that. I had other cuts that were newer too, so later that day I callaped and showed him them, but I ran away right afterward. He followed me, but I wouldn't talk to him. Finally he had to go or he was going to miss his bus. Well he was good about it, until I got more serious. He began to get depressed too, and I found out much to my horror that he was an ex. cutter and he . . . had started again because of me. We tried to help eachother quit time and time again, but both of us always ended up slipping. Then to add to it all my other sister caught Mike (my bf) and me kissing, and well yeah, parents talked to me. I made up something and they believed it. but were on their guard now. Mike and I had to stop being together, and we said we would, but slowly it didn't happen. I was so in love with him by then it was crazy. Soon after my parents found out I was a cutter b/c my best friend spilled to my sister who spilled to my parents. Things were crazy, and I went insane. Mike's parents found out that he was cutting and they blamed it on me. My parents made me call off the relationship with Mike and it all went to H*** from there. It was the end of the school year, he hated me, his parents wouldn't let me talk to him in any way shape or form all summer, and it was a summer of depression, attempted suicides on my part, therapy and cutting, and going crazy. I was kept from all of my friends and my family treated me like a time bomb ready to go BOOM! I developed an eating disorder, and yeah nothing went right from then on. Mike had a new girl now and I am a sophmore. He has his new girl friend but he doesn't love he, and is as depressed as ever, he cut still and got involved in some heavy drinking. His life is a mess, mine is a mess, and yeah. He has the new girl cuz he is trying to get over me, and since the beginning of the school year he has ignored me as much as possible. It was a mess, a bloody stinking mess and it still is. I wish I could see him happy cuz he is going down a road that I can't follow. I am just barely out of my own hole, and have fallen back in a few times this school year. The worst part of all . . . here goes . . . I still love him. . .

-Tainted Mikochan

Wow that is a sad story and in a way like mine.... mine is probably not as long though and no one will have anyadvice for me like always just telling me I was never in love with him. :-( I don't get it because I feel I am.

Anyways it all started on May 5th of 2005
I went to this youth group in conn. called 24:seven and it was only like my 2nd time there and I only went to see a friend since I couldn't see her during the week because at that time she wasn't going to her gradparents house who lived up the street from me. When I got there I met up with her and we played air hockey I killed her at it and another one of her friends was watching and he asked if he could play me well we played and he just beat me and we were both extremly competitive so it was a long game. Since it lasted so long I missed the younger service (because there were two services one for the older kids,9,10,11and12th graders and one for the younger 6,7,and8th graders) In turn I met his good friend Sasha.....her and I hung out till the next service and she introduced me to *Jon*
Who I literally fell for that night Which didn't make any sense because he wasn't my type or anything and I wasn't attracted to his looks. Iwrote down his number on the inside of m arm and he laughed and said the last time he saw that it wasn't with a pen and it was alot more painful. *at that time I was still cutting but I wasn't about to let him know that*
That weekend my orginal friend from that night hung out at my house for a while and I didn't want to call him but she did so I gave her his number and she talked to him for over an hour.....They were flirting .. I kept my mouthshut though hoping it would all blow over and I felt I really had no chance with him because I was in 7th while he was in 10th.....
Well I was right nothing happened between the 2 soon Jon and I started to see each other once everyweek at the youth group but then Him and sasha began going out and he could tell
i was trying to hold back my jealousy and he said it was "Cute" like I was a 4 year old
It didn't last long between the 2 and it ended really bad like they haven't talked to each other since.
he started to like me and soon found out that I was a cutter and he prayed and stuff for me and really was urging me to except Christ but to tell the truth I was the other way around *I never could bring myself to tell him though*
He Introduced me to The guitarist named Mike because one day during service one of my cuts opened back up and by the end I haf blood all over me and at that time Jon knew he need to put a stop to this before I reached where he was before.

During the summer he went to a youth convention and fell hard for someone there and when he got back that was all he would talk about I tried my best to control my anger but it was hard and then they broke up because she told him she was never christain and only went to the convention to have a good time and she walked out on his band.
After that things became really great in part he bagan to really like me and he wanted to go out with me but my mother disaproved and he wanted to get my mother's aproval when I turned 14
I was going through some things and one night I almost excepted Christ and I broke down and cried there about 12 people ther who I knew and didn't know circled in around me during the band was playing and we all pray for my to be saved that night....I was crying out of anger and hate that night though...I sat through the rest of the service and cried and at the end ran out because I was scared in a way but a girl named Katrina grabbed me and made me stay. I fought away and ran out anout 10 min. later though I walked back in with *Jon* and talked with him and Mike for over an hour I became hysteric that night and cried so hard I could breath and almost passed out.
Mike took *Jon* away to the side for a second and told him not to get inolved with me because he doesn't want anything erally bad to happen if we ever broke up since he considered me really deep in depression.
That passed and *Jon* thought I stopped cutting that night (I couldn't tell him I was still doing it Because I couldn't take the hurt in his eyes it killed me)

A couple of months passed and all was going well and *Jon* was happy and so was I until December first 6 days till my birthday and we were able to officailly go outwith our parents knowing even though his parents disapproved of me since I was so much younger then him.
Well anyways the girl who ditched his band and his faith came back and I walked up to him that night like every other night and he looked up and it was me and a bunch of all my friends He didn't even see me and I said Hi and he looked at me and saw right through me and he did that all night and didn't even know I was there. Finally right before the service I went up to him for the third time and said hi and he realized I was there. That was the first night we didn't sit together and he brought up his exgirlfriend and prayed for her and I realized at that point he has fallen for her once again and it's over between me and him now.

I told him I really needed to talk to him that night and we sat down at one of the tables on the top floor looking over the rest of 24:seven and told him the truth
----I am still cutting(Oh btw the reason he was so sensitive to me cutting was that one of his exgirlfriends that he used to always get high with commited suicide that way)
----I'm a Satanist

He left and went to pray with Mike and was from what I heard cried as much as I did that one night

.........The sadest part of my story is that I threw away my Love that night. We both loved each other and I killed it. It's been over a month since we talked last and I think about him constantly and the hurt is growing stronger each and every day

haha......I hate when I talk about it because I always end up in tears of regret

Dam* I hate myself so much. Why am I like this....

The person who saved me from suicide so many times I pushed away.

I have been going deeper then ever lately and I know one of these times I will slip up

...........I guess this was what Mike was afraid of.

____Julie____

I'm sorry i can't say too much.. i typed an essay on here about it...then it deleted it for some reason...it just hurts too much to say it again..i'll put down the main bits..

I loved this girl...and she told me she loved me on christmas day...so we got together, and i was happy...she was a cutter by the way..and i think she never cut herself while we were going out...she probably did, but i wouldn't know...she lives in scotland..and i live in northern ireland, so i couldn't see her...anyway, we broke up on the 3rd because she loved someone else..she said she loved me, but she loved him more.. i was heartbroken...i tried to think of someway to get out of the pain, i turned to every solution .. apart from cutting myself. i told myself that i was too smart to do it...that it would really hurt...and then i realised that i wanted to hurt myself...remove the pain of heartbreak by hurting myself...so i cut myself. and truthfully, it hurt a lot...but i didn't care...it didn't really help me, but it got some of my anger out...so i told myself i wouldn't do it again..but then she told me she started cutting herself again..i couldn't believe it, i asked her why...she didn't give me a straight answer...i think it was due to the stress she has in her household, and relationship problems and all... That made me really depressed, but i tried to hide it from her..tried to help her anyway i could... even if we weren't going out, i still loved her, and would do anything for her...even if it means ignoring the fact she had broken my heart, and putting her first...so i helped her..and tried to make her happy..but it wouldn't work...and she talked about cutting herself so much...it just...hurt...but i knew it hurts her more so i helped...told her what to do with her cuts...i'm a public first aider, and shes too scared to go to her mum and tell her...so i tell her how to help her cuts, make them heal better without to much scars... she told me her boyfriend thought she didn't love him, so she cut herself because of it...i cried so much because of it, i cut myself, and i didn't tell her...i knew if i did she'd cut herself...and i didn't want that. She knows i cut myself once, but i'm not going to tell her i'm still doing it, it would probably break her..

So here i am, just a friend, trying to help her with any problems she may have in her relationship.. i probably sound like someone who whines a lot about something that doesn't matter...and i'm sorry if i have..i just had to say it...

And i'm sorry, i can't think of a song that would help with break-ups..none helped me..but the only one that did a bit was "tenacious d - tribute" .. but i have a strange taste in music, and that song has nothing to do with break-ups...

I'm just afraid for her, i think ... i hide it so much ... i try to hide it from myself even .. but i can't .. and i think i'll stay like this until something changes it.. and i don't know what that could be.. It doesn't help either that i love her still, i guess... i just can't keep going like this, its like a vicious cycle..

Chris -xx-

Chris your story made me cry, all you ever did was love her and she has no idea how much you mean to her. Goddess this world is so f***** up sometimes. I am crying for you hun because I feel so much for you, so much. Baby please don't cut yourself, you are so so good, you don't deserve that. All you did was love her, it is not your fault. Please baby.

-Tainted mikochan

Thats some of the reasons I could never tell him that I did begin to cut again because I knew it hurt him to much and I didn't want him to start again.

Yeah, same with my baby, and now he has another girl but he's not happy with life yet. He drinks a lot now and still cuts when he thinks no one is watching, but I am. I wish I could make him happy, because then I think it would all be worth something.

another failed relationship. I fell in love with my best friend since 6th grade, one catch . . . he was gay and I didn't know. He told me that after he had asked me out. I am not angry at him, and he is still my best friend, but it is stupid that life has to be this crappy. It's not right. I am there trying to not like him while he is talking about the guy he is crushing on. I am not insulting gays at all, it is just a hard position to be in when all I really wanted was to be loved. That is why I am done with relationships, after a while there is nothing left of my heart to give, it is in so many pieces that even I can't put it back together.

Wow, I really wasnt expecting so many replies (3 but i was expecting maybe 1).
Well I will give what advice I can to each of you.

Tainted Mikochan - Have you tried to be his friend at all? Also you could go up to him and say your sorry for all the shit he put up with (Not pointing out what you had to do through) cause if you think about it, he may be going through the same kind of pain you are.

Julie - It was very brave of you to tell him you were still cutting and were a satanist (I know its hard, im from the Church of Satan). One idea would be to try and explain to him how you feel about him and explain (briefly) what you believe, so he may understand better.

ChrisB - Keep being her friend, I know its tough but if you help her through the hard times she will respect and love you for it, even if you never get back together its always great to have a loving friend.

On Cutting, you dont need to stop becuase you feel bad about it, if you feel bad about cutting you will cut more. People cut to release pain and anger and if you remove the sources of that pain you may be able to stop cutting. If you cant then try something else, like the elastic band thing (whenever you feel like cutting, snap the band against your arm). But it varies from person to person so I may be wrong.

Hope I helped (sorry if I didn't).

Thanks for your posts, I hope more people will in the future too.

GA

Thanks everyone for your replies... it was really hard telling you all for some reason... i'll try the elastic band thing...i don't know whether it'll work or not, but next time i feel like...well, cutting...i'll try it. hopefully i don't have to ... but i will probably sometime... thanks for helping though

Thanks Grotesque Angel

Grotesque Angel: Thank you for reading my long sob story and being caring enough to give advice, that was really great of you. Ummm yes I have tried to be his friend, but he aviods me like the plead. It used to make me anger cuz I love him and he as being a jerk and wouldn't even talk to me, but now when I think about it I understand better. In the game of life he is a runner, when things turn ill he tries to leave them behind. I might not agree with him, but I can't change what he has decided to do. I try to stay really friendly and keep my eye out for times when we can talk seriously (there's been a few, but not many, and afterward he won't talk to me for a LONG time!) He is not in a good place with himself right now and it getting involved in cutting and drinking again. It is really hard for me to watch him be so unhappy and often I am one of the only people who notices b/c he is a good actor. I reach out to him in the best ways that I can, and all I can do is wait to see if he will let me into his life. I could really help him now, but I can't unless he lets me, so for now I am just . . . stuck. Thank you again for reading, you are a really sweet person with a great heart!

-Tainted Mikochan

Thanks I am so glad I could help in at least a small way. I will now be doing a Depression Dr. every week (As of the 23 of January). As my understanding of the human mind and nature grows, so will my ability to help those who are dealing with various problems. I would like to hear if any of my advice works.

A BIG THANKYOU to the people who have told their storys.

Until next time,
GA