I want so bad to hate him...

Ok, current boyfriend....If you have read some of my earlier posts, you will know just how many times he has hurt me or let me down or anything like that. But you will also know how I feel about him. I love him with all my heart, and I know that even if I were to let him go, he would forever be the only name my heart will know. I'm so scared of losing him, and don't think I could do this without him. He's completed me, and made me feel worth it, like I am the only girl in the world for him...But there's times when he turns around, and tells me things like 'I don't know how long we'll last' or as he has done to me recently 'I love you, I think...' which then turned into, 'I don't think I love you anymore.'... I don't really want to get into it to much, being that I am flustered enough as it is.
I know that the only reasons he says these things is because he's getting scared too... His life has been no better than my own, and our insecurities and lack of strength left really aren't doing our relationship any good. I am always there for him, and he's always there for me... But sometimes he doesn't give me the chance to be there for him. He stops talking to me for a bit. Stops laughing. Nothing makes him feel better. And I really think he's got a depression thing. But the thing is, when he hurts like that I can't help but worry bout him. (Note to readers who don't know this: we have a long distance relationship, and have never actaully met, we just fell in love over the internet, by accident - and I beg you not to judge me for that, for I know this Is love.)
But anyway point to this... He stops talking to me sometimes. He's losing hope for us, which only makes me feel like he's losing faith in me, and our relationship strengths. He basically shoves me off and treats me like I'm just another person. He's tooken away his love for me, denied it all. I know he likes my friend too, not as much as he likes me, but I mean - we accidently fell in love, what if they do? I just don't want to lose him. All this time, I just tried so hard to break it off and try to hate him... But I can't. I love him so much, and my heart is slowly desintegrating because that love isn't returned, neither is the faith for the relationship itself. He acts like he's the only one going through the long distance relationship hurt - because believe me, not being able to touch, hear or feel someone you've grown to rely on. Is hard... I thought about it, and I mean, how can I need something I've never actually had? Why doesn't this make sense? After all he's done I should hate him, and because I've never met him - I shouldn't love him... I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. All I know is I would die for him. I need him to be me, to stay alright. He's my inspiration, and my obsession. He's just...He saved me from what I was before - and yet he's taking me right back where I started from with all this emotional... shtuff....

Hey, I'm glad you can relate to the internet thing and not meeting. But I'm begging you not to tell me I don't love him, I don't mean this in a thrashing out kind of way, but everyone keeps telling me that I don't love him - and I really don't appreciate people telling me what i do or don't feel. I do love him, if what I feel isn't love, then I don't want to ever love anyone because its too damn intense lol. It's so hard to take sometimes. And for the record, he was the one who cheated on me... I've never cheated on him, and I don't think I've ever said anything to make him say what he does or do what he does. I'm very careful about those kinds of things, because of the fact I don't want to say something that will make him go quiet and stop talking again. It's like I lose him, over and over again...And I just can't let that happen. He's my whole world. As stupid and corny as that may sound, believe me, I used to make fun of people who thought like I am now, but he is my everything.

umm this isn't a post for advice... it was simply my way to spill my thoughts to other strangers, rather than to him because I don't want to make this (with me and him right now) any worse than it is at the moment. Of course I'm going to stay by his side. But I just don't understand how he can take away his love for me, and put me through all this -while I sit here trying my best to tell myself that I hate him and it's not worth it. No matter how much I tell myself though, those three words (I hate you) are killing me more and more everytime I think... Anyway, yeah this was more for my venting matters.You guys are the ones I turn to for venting. I never used to, but it's helping me alot just to blab about my feelings to strangers who won't see me the next day... you know?
And he is 19, we've been talking almost a year now. We started last february. And I am 16. He lives in England and I live in Canada......

I want to hate him because then I wouldn't date him and maybe this would stop. Ok, it appears I haven't said this yet, but I think the main reason he gets like this is mostly because we are so damn far away from eachother. I mean, sometimes we can be having a normal conversation, and he'll see me on cam and see me sneeze or something, and then after he'll be like 'I didn't hear a thing...' And from there the conversation goes downhill. He stops talking again. Because he couldn't hear me. I've gotten emails fromhim before that say things like 'It's so hard talking to you and not hearing you. Or seeing you, but not touching you.' ... The distance is getting to him. And I want to hate him, because I would then be able to break it off and not worry about me hurting him or not - or me hurting myself for that. But I can't seem to hate him, much less take away my love for him at all. I just talked to him tonight, and I miss him like crazy - but he didn't even talk to me very much. I bet in the 3 hours we talked, he didn't' say much more than 20 sentences... And 'fighting for a lost cause' is what I'm scared of. I don't want this to be a lost cause, and if it is, then why the hell can't I hate him or let him go?

lol actually now that you bring it up, that's the only way I can make him feel even the slightest bit better is when I go on cam for him. We'll go on cam to eachother and he smiles so much, and right now I can see his smile in my mind, and his dimples, and when he laughs how he... yeah you get it...

I want to be beside him so bad, and tell him that everything will be ok. And talk to him about stuff, and how he's feeling and why he does certain things. I want to hug him and kiss him when he's down... And I can't... And what happens if he decides to give up before I ever get the chance to do that with him?
Anyway, I think I'm gonna give my best shot at focusing on the happy, fun part (thanks for that btw) as I think I've whined enough for one night.

"when you post something asking for advice, it means its not love, if you love someone you dont care what happens or how you just want it to happen between you two, not get some advice from someone else"

I have to disagree with that comment, because i think thats complete rubbish. Just because you ask advice on something doesn't mean you don't love that person. Where did you get that rubbish from?? seriously??

Thanks Becky, I have to agree with you on that one, if someone asks for advice it doesn't mean anything about not loving another person. (I know that's badly worded but we both know what I'm trying to say) However, I think what he meant by that was the fact that I was questioning it so bad, and losing faith in it - it just wasn't such a smooth relationship kind of love. Of course there's the always memorable line 'The course of true love, never did run smooth' ; but the fact that I am losing faith in us shows weakness in the love of the relationship... Maybe that's what he means, if not I guess I should just stop posting lol. Thankyou for your comment tho :)

"the course of true love never did run smooth" that is TOO true!! and yeh i totally get your wording it actually made lotsa sense!! :) you live in canada? thats totally groovy!! :D i can see how fustrating it can be, and not being able to see him or anything or reassure him. Have you tried talking to him? I mean if you do decide to break up then you never know you still could be great friends...but remember "if its meant to be, it will be, love will always find a way." xxx

well of course I've tried talking to him..but he isn't talking back.. it was like the other quote 'nothing hurts more than to look the person you love in the eye, and have them look away'... well it was sort oflike that. except I didn't even gt the chance to look him in the eye. it was over msn, and I talked and asked how he was, and tried to get some progress...and he just sat there, and then after like 5 minutes of me waiting for a response, he signed off. :(. Ouch! lol. Anyway, you also mentioned that we could still be great friends, but if I loose him, I'm still going to love him. And I just don't see myself loving someone this deeply, when I can't be with them physically or emotionally- and it would be a little awkward I think... I guess if I lose him the only possible way I can see myself getting over him (ofcourse i'll never fully get over him, he's my first love, but to my greatest ability anyway) is to .. move on. Put his stuff ina box, put it away, and... I dunno. He's taught me so much, and made me happier then I thought I could be at some points. I can't forget about him. But I don't think I can hold onto him after breaking up either... anyway I dunno if everyone will understand that, but I tried to explain it as best I could. Thankyou for your other quote tho 'if its meant to be, it will be' . Just reminds me that everything happens for a reason, and I guess I just gotta keep my chin up until I find out the reason. Thanks lots! See you 'round the site.