my ana

hey people i have read through the 'reality of mia' thread and it seemed to help so i thought id write down my anorexia story, if not to help you, but to also help me.

its funny you know, because it starts off like a diet. we've all tried them and given up but sometimes, just sometimes, somebody will stick to it, and every so often, someone will go too far. well what are the chances that this one person was me eh?

i've always been a slim size 8 [uk] and guys were into me, lived to shop and all that. on the first day of year 11 this girl came into my classroom, i amost didnt recognise her. she had used to have been chubby and that but she'd lost so much weight and looked FANTASTIC. her parents had split up that summer. i have well 'issues' at home with my mum,meaning that she's never around and to be quite honest, doesn't love me. then i split from my boyfriend and my best friend at same time. i lost control.

but the one thing you can control is YOU. what goes in you, what goes out. you start off not eating junk food, then it turns to just fruit and vegetables and then just nothing at school. you skip breakfast because you 'dont have the time', leave your money at home on purpose so to avoid lunch and skimp on dinner, just enough so no one worries.

you get up early to exercise, and its getting earlier and earlier, you're getting too little sleep. its great at first, when you're losing water weight and then the weight loss slows and you panic and the fight is even harder, you turned irritable and you can sense their worry but it just annoys you even more. why can't they get their own lives??
the clothes are getting baggier, you're buying bigger sizes, not only to hide the fat that you can see but to hde yourself form prying eyes. you hate mirrors and scales yet you are addicted to them, because they are the only things you can rely on. you're drinking water but very little, can't put on weight, hell no, and you're probably losing it all through tears and when people mention food or diets or even your name you have to excuse yourself cos you can't handle. everybody is watching your every move, even people you don't know. thats why yu have to pretend everything is all right, when you know its not because you look fat and your hair has lost its shine, you've got spots on your face and you are always so, so cold.

and the starvation. its physically uncomfortable but emotionally comfortable.you love the feeling because it means you're closer to the goal. you keep setting your targets and then moving them, because when you set themyou think that then everything will be okay but when you reach them you realise everything still sucks so you keep having to strive more.

you can't stand the sensation of someone touching, of eyes boring into you.i mean what's everybody's problem you can't decide between running off or crying or screaming at people, so you stand and cower in these huge clothes and limp hair, your starvation gnawing at you, shivering with chill, you look like sh*t and you know that everyone'sjudges you, even your friends, ESPECIALLY your friends - there aint no friend like ana.

sorry its long and . . . boring? but i know the feeling of hating yourself and the happy person in your memories just doesnt feel like you anymore.

This is really interesting to read, yet so sad. So, I take it you are still like this? Well I don't know much about it, but at least I guess you know what you are doing and are not to naive to realise... Sorry that probably doesn't make sense...
polly

um its confusing in a way i am still like this, some days i wake up, i cant face breakfast but ill eat lightly and healthily and then some days i wake up and cant even look in a mirror . . . im in and out of hospital, ive been there 3times, once for a month and i was there for 10days at the end of january but i am trying.

i just wanted to post this honestly and hope that someone will read it and it helps them, i love that feeling whereyou read something and you totally identify with it. =]

that said, if anyone needs to talk - no.ones.angel@hotmail.co.uk
xXx

hey no thats totally cool =] x

It's scary, what it does to you. How many times I've thought, "Man I wish I could be aneorxic." Stupid thoughts of course, but true. I hate who I am now. I hate that I hate myself. I hate that I obsess about my weight. It's good though, to know that there are others in this world who understand. Understand the pain, the paranoia.

lots of love

Wow, an amazing read. And to think that's how I used to live. Yeah, I used to be anorexic.. I still am, kind of. Before all I would ever eat was an apple a week... Only if I could bring myself to eat it. That was 2 years ago. Now I can actually sit down and eat half of a full meal-daily. Then go back a few hours later and eat the other half(only some days thouh) It's really hard to get better. To realise that you're gaining weight, it hurts. Sometimes I want to go back to the way I used to live. Because it's so true, sometimes it feels like the only thing in your life you can control is eating. And sometimes it really is the only thing you can control. But I always stop myself from going back. I used to have it so bad that my entire body would shake. At times it still does. I no longer use a scale, because it hurts me to much to see my weight go up. Although I still have my full lenght mirror, and I would die without it. Some days I feel as though I'd die with it.. because I can see how much I've gained. I hope you've gotten better, as I have, or should I say as I am.

This is a really good idea, It gives a true insight to what anorexia really is. You described actually how horrible it is, I know exactly what you are talking about

love
XxFeEBeDeExX

I thought this was about Anti Nuclear Antibodies. Although it clearly isn't, I read it anyways. Interesting, and very sad. Malnutrition is not a very fun way to go, I hope you begin to eat soon.

Kalika

hey guys im glad u all read this because it meant so much to write it just wanted to say that on sunday i got out of hospital after about a month in there and i really think im better but of course it depends on the day but this time there is light at the end of the tunnel.

now last time i thought i was getting better but nope one weak moment and i had my fingers down my throat before i knew it, skipping school to avoid my friends and food, even flicking an elastic band on my wrist when i felt hungry and digging my fingernails in so deep. id gone back up to 6 and a 1/2 stone and in two and a half weeks id dropped to 5 stone 3. id lost. again.
but
you see, when i was in there i met a girl called lisa and she was sooo skinny it hurt to look at her and she told me her story it made me cry . . . until i looked in the mirror and realised that the sorry story was me too. i just broke down because i saw the true reality of myself for the first time and it cut me up, what a mess i was and how ive ruined myself. the razorsharp bones jutting out, this demon running my life and how ive just sat back and let it.

please please talk to me if u ever feel u need to talk, if u or a friend needs help x x x