Two years ago next month

Sorry for the length

One day this boy, who I will not name, asked me out. I said I would even though I hadn't gone out with anyone before. The next day he asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I wanted to say no and it continued like that. Out of nowhere I said yes and he said, "You guessed right." I hate that voice repeating that sometimes in my head. Did I even have a choice?

Having a really good memory and being good at math, I started losing all that without realizing it. The boy kept making me feel like I should be having lunch with him instead of by myself. I convinced myself I was having a good time with him. I can't really remember much of that time to tell the truth of being without him.

Less then a month later, it was Valentines day. Beofre then he was saying how he had dreams me and him were having sex on that day. It freaked me out that I kept telling him I was busy that day. Then he just calls and says to get ready and arrives at my house with his mom so I felt guilty in saying no. At the movies he made me lie down a bit and put his hand on my stomach, promising not to go higher. Then, out of nowhere, he puts his hand under my shirt and against my bra. I sat up terrified and after the movie I yelled where everyone was around and walked off crying. He made me feel like nothing was wrong. Maybe I wanted to believe it or maybe I was playing mind games with him like he tells me I was because I could not remember it the next day.

A few months later he told me he had tried to commit suicide. I was scared, never had anybody tell me that before. So the next day I found him alright and told a teacher. Well he said thanks and then walked with me after school and showed me the mark on his wrist. Then he said he was going to tell my mom that he missed the bus so that he could go home with me. When we got to my house, he walked straight into my room like he owned it and kept trying to get me in there.

Next month will be two years since this next day, I had been extremely frightened and on the edge the entire weekend when he called me to say he wanted to come over. I starte dcrying and told my mom that I didn't want him to come over but she assisted that we would be going out that day and he would not stay long.

When he got here, he said he wanted to be alone so we went into this room in my house. This part is still fuzzy,t hough. I remember him kissing me and I wouldn't kiss back claiming that, "It felt to grown up." What I don't know but I just assumed kissing until right now. He ended up touching me under my shirt until I cried and I think blacked out because when I opened my eyes they were full of tears.

After that, I locked myself in my room on the phone with him crying so much. i thought I forgave and moved on with my life but I still remember him pressuring me for sex after he had hurt me and how I kept saying no but got in return, "You only think of the bad things."

I started talking to this sweet guy now but I still feel like when I get older, if I have sex years from now am I still going to have this feeling like I'm not going to be able to say no and just freeze up as I had done that one day. I just feel like I'm dragging things back up and I don't even know if it's normal to talk about the past. But I heard that people should. I just don't know what to think or could I even say I was an abuse victim if there are things much worse happening to people. Or am I just making things seem worse as my ex told me.
I've only liked guys for the record, so I hope noone jumps to any conclusions.

bad memories always stay witrh you forever but they get weaker and soon they'll be just memories, ones you'll block away whenever they try to creep in.
Its hard to keep being strong when you feel hopeless but its all you can do.
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love Tara-Kay

I love this one guy, he's the easist person to talk to and very comforting. I just don't know how to control things sometimes. We fought before over stupid things but then he found a way to make them better. I just don't want to be too afraid of somethings because of my ex. Especially when I this one guy is the person I want to be with.

For the record I am straight. This I know 100 percent is true. I just don't want people jumping to some random conclusion. And believe me I've had plenty of people jump to random conclusions about me.

This guy you want to be with, you should go for it. If this guy likes you back, he'll understand if you don't want to do things. Don't be afraid, when two people are close like love, it is basically impossible for them to really hurt you. That guy was probaly going through a sexual peek in his life, and he shouldn't of done that to you. Don't worry, things do get better. You have nothing to worry about. Good Luck.

If a guy pressures you after you say stop, then that is your cue to get the heck out of there. You don't need to be an a relationship that pressures you to do things that you don't want to. I started out a relationship that way, and I got touched where I didn't want to be, and I froze up, and told him no, and he would say PLEASE, and I would still say no, but in the end that didn't matter. You deserve a relationship that will go at a pace you are okay with, don't settle for anything less.

-Tainted