is this depressing?

About 2 months ago my mom kicked me out and I live with my aunt her sister, and i dont see my little sisters that often who are 7 and 10 who will soon be 8 and 11 by time summer is over. And right now I'm with them, to spend time and I tell them I love them and the older one says it back immediately and my baby takes a while. Shrugs her shoulders and says "I don't know any more because you don't love mommy anymore" and it just broke my heart- and it made me realize instantly how they are affected and I never considered their feelings and the way they are hurting I just saw me and my mom at war. Depressing shiiittt.

Well...I don't know the whole story, but your Mom probably had a reason to kick you out. You and your Mom need to sit and talk about it with your sisters and let them know whats going on. Talk to them and listen to how they feel about it, and go from there. But, in order to give better advise, I'd probably need to know the rest of the story...

Um... my mom had every reason to ask me to leave- I wasn't setting an example- well I was but a horrible one. I still live my life the same way but I'm not a negative influence and my sisters don't have to be around me when I'm coming off a high or a hang over. But my whole thing is you never turn your back on your kid- she didn't care where I ended up I was staying with a friend for a minute and my aunt found out and told me to come and live with her- her kids are basically grown. But I'm 17 and she shouldn't have just turned her back.

Well, theres only one solution to this problem. If you want your life to be normal again, you have to stop behaving like this. I'm sure you already realize it, but you are not the only person you are hurting in this situation. Even if you're not around these children when you're high or drunk..etc., they still know whats going on whether you realize it or not. They need you, and they need you in a sober position. permanatly.

Yeah I've realized this, but it's my escape, they have parents- my mom was too young to raise me I was shifted from house to house- so I basically raised myself- and I see the world from that rejected little girls eyes, which makes me self centered and selfish, I want to love them enough to change but I don't love anyone enough to change, I don't even love myself ya know? I think days like this when I'm sober and they come to visit me, they see their sister, and they see the person I am, beyond what anyone says about me, and this memory stays in their hearts, because their memory of me thus far- is of an angry person and ya know it's my life- every life is long story- and can't be fit into a thread.

Alright, well, I've got a small story that proves I sort of know what I'm talking about.
When I was young, my mom lived with her abusive boyfriend. He was physically and emotionally abusive to all of us, and became sexually abusive to my sister...Anyway, as time went on my sister learned to stick up for herself and would pick fights with him. I was quite young, and watching...things..happen such as that was something that made me go into hiding really. I'm constantly scared and expect the worse now...But anyway, the more fights she picked with him the more she ran away and left us to deal with his attitude left from her fighting.
She was basically my idol, I wanted to be just like my older sister. But everytime she ran away, she returned high, drunk, or on other drugs that had her in no good condition at all. My mom did nothing, and nobody said anything. But I knew what was going on, and all I could think was simply: nobody in this house cares. They don't love themselves, and they don't love eachother.

Anyway, I'm not going to go any further into detail about that, as I really don't think I should be speaking about anything to do with my past. I just want to say that, you may not be around but you Are affecting your siblings - no matter where you are. If you care about them at all, than you will change. Whether it be in tiny steps or not. You've realized that you're life isn't on the right road, so why not try and get back on track?
If you don't care about them at all, then stop complaining on here, and leave them alone for good because they Don't need you.
Believe me I know it's harsh of me to say, and for that I'm so sorry. But there's no point in breaking their hearts everytime you leave or something goes wrong, when the only thing you're gonna do afterward is the same damn thing.
You say it's your escape, which means that you care about your escape more than theirs... So, if selfishness is all you have, then go take care of yourself, and leave them alone?

I've considered that so many times- but I think If I dissapear from their lives they would think they did something wrong- and I think in the long run they would hate me more for that- Sooner than later I think they will understand that their sister has a problem- but she loves them all the same- it's not harsh it's true. But at the same time it's only one sided.