has my past caught up with me?

I took my time the other night, 2 days after overdosing, to think about where I am. I realized that I used to be a smiling, almost always happy, barely ever crying young girl. I know the depression started when I was about 13, going on 14. I'm pretty sure I know why I turned this way. When I was about 9 my mom went disabled. she was no longer able to work(and she was the one bringing in the good amount of money) and she couldnt get a job anymore. She was an RN(Registered Nurse) and loved what she did. she started getting suicidal and I was first to notice. we have horses and me and her drove out to the barn every day, 3x a day to see them and take care of them. my dad worked all day(from 6-9) and my sisters were moved out. So I was alone with my mom. I will never forget the time that scarred me the most. we had gotten home from the barn, my dad was still at work, and my mom started crying when we got in the house. my immediate reaction was to comfort her, but she shoved me away and yelled at me to leave her alone. then she went into her room(she has a LOT of different meds she has to take..including Methodone(sp?)) and locked the door. I heard her just sobbing and I was home ALONE. there wasn't a way I could get in the room, and I knew exactly what she was going to do. I was sobbing and I ran outside to her bedroom window and just started SLAMMING it as hard as I could screaming "dont leave me!! I need you! mommy please stop please!". she ignored me, I ran inside grabbed the phone and called my dad..he was 2 HOURS away. well luckily, more then luckily, my sister came over for a visit and was able to get it all sorted out. thats when it all started..my mom isnt suicidal anymore, but the tables have turned. I don't think she even knows what she did to me, and it doesnt seem as if she cares. I have not much control over my life anymore, because my dad 'calls all the shots' which usually consists of hitting,yelling,locking me in my room,etc. Im anorexic now, because he can make me be in pain, he can scream at me, but he CANT make me eat. I overdosed the other day because of a huge fight I had with my sister(the only one I feel like cares) which made her respond with harsh and hurtful words, such as 'I hate you' 'you're such a ******* loser' etc. so I locked my door and shut my blinds. went in my closet and overdosed. I was knocked unconcious and my mother found me and 911 was called. the one thing I happened to forget? the window..I didnt lock it..figures I guess. Nothing has really changed though, my mom acts the same with me and my dad is still being his usual self. Im sad I didnt suceed, sadly, and I know im a risk to myself right now because of what I did so I decided I would come on here and post my feelings since I cant sleep. im SO sorry it is so long!

suicide/OD: pls don't do this. don't you see that your mom loves you as much as you love her and doesn't want to lose you either? if she's one of the reasons you feel guilty, you'll feel more guilty if you die when she needs you.

Anorexia: Eating isn't the only thing you can control. There are millions of other things you can do besides shutting off your food supply.

First, you can write poems (the power of emotion).

Second, you can feel the world... be glad you can talk, hear, see, eat, and feel. you have a wonderful gift God gave when he made you. He made you human. and you can use your senses in any way.

Third... when you go to your room, do something to amuse yourself... don't let punishments like that hurt you.

Abusive father:If you're fed up with your dad and some day you want to leave your mom... you can file your father under child abuse.... but i doubt you want to leave your mom.

Well, that's all... just my opinion/suggestion.

yes Yrene I do believe in god. yea sluvious I know there are people going through worse then me..I never said there werent. yea they may have the will to live but they are them and I am me..we're all different eh. well thanks for the replies everyone =]

yeah. it's tough when your parents start acting weird. well, you know what I mean. get older, become people that you feel like you can no longer rely on or respect anymore. but that's part of growing up. realizing your parents aren't infallible. the next part is realizing they've been through it all many times before. and still know slightly more than you.

I think you're very lucky that they called 911, you only have one life, please, please make the best out of it! And, whenever there are bad times, there will always follow good times, just keep on trying.. ;)
I hope you won't be anorexic anymore in a short time. It is very very bad for you, and your body. Just being anorexic can make you depressed. You need to eat to get energy and to be happy! I hope you don't see this as an attack, because it isn't. I'm really trying to help you.
I wish you all the luck in the world, you deserve it.

x

thanks..its all good I dont see it as an attack at all. yeah its really not easy being non-anorexic anymore.

I know how you must have felt when you couldn't help your mum.
Last year my mum left my dad, and he got really depressed and suicidal.
One day he came upstairs and told me to look after my sister her was sleeping downstairs at the time, he told me that he loved me and went upstairs.
Automatically i went downstairs to check my sister and i felt something was wrong. I went upstairs to check on dad, and he was lying on the bed face down. I went over and started shaking him and he starting saying all this stuff about how he couldn't go on because mum had left him and he had no-one.
If that wasn't bad enough I then called mum and she didn't seen interested, when she came home she went upstairs and slapped my dad and all she did was scream at him for ages.
I just stood in the doorway listening and not one of them bothered to acknowledge that i was there. i don't think they ever thought of one moment how that would have effected me.
Thing is mum never spopke of it and dad would go out randomly, just walk out and come back and say to me. 'I could have walked in front of a bus on the way home, i nearly did' - like that was something i wanted to here from him.

I hate to think of my past and sometimes little things can remiind me, like this post for example. I don't think of what happened that dad and the time after but reaging about your mum and you made me think.

I hope you are still with us today. But for the grace of God there goes I.