Help me out here guys

I met this girl that's into poetry while I was on vacation with a friend, and now I have to go back home 1600 miles to where I live. I really like this girl, and i've told her I don't know how to write, I can't do it. So I'm leaving tommarow and I thought it would mean alot to her if I wrote her something.

Here is my attemp, could you guys help me make it better?

Words can not describe
What I feel for you inside
have you ever had a friendship
that you knew would never end

I feel like i've known you for years
it was only the other day at the pier
when i'm with you I am whole
when your away I feel alone
No matter how many people i'm with

Sadness dwells inside me
tommarow our time is spent

Words can not describe
The beauty that was by my side
every minute we had a chance
our friendship never ends

just remember poetry is the expression of ones emotions. This is very good for someone who is learning to harness this ability. Do not let others discourage you keep working on it.

You are on the right track for a starter. Just take some time and try to reform your ideas into a bigger poem. If you put a little more imagery into it, and shape your idea better, it could be very good. :)
-Jenna xo

Hi Ray,
Little things go a long way with format. I notice you did not capitalizie i've in the second stanza. I would guess it's a typo but you never know with poetry. I would for starters make sure there are no typos. Also, rhyming is VERY DIFFICULT for a beginner. It seems to hamper creativity as the poet tries to force what he wants to say into the form. I would try again, making a conscious effort to not rhyme. Good luck - keep at it (as long as you're saying things you really mean, it's beautiful. Just don't try to lie, becuase lies are pretty easy to spot in poetry)
K

I'd take the first line of each of your first three stanzas and form a single stanza poem with the ending line being something like:

'now that you're not here'.

Here you have the powerful initial thought of each of your stanzas followed by the final forth punch line. short, sweet and straight to the point.

Just an idea. But hey, what do I know. My poetry's pretty shite.

i think its sweet

If she likes poetry and you want to win her over, try and focus more on literary devices, not just an outright description of your feelings. Use more emotive language because otherwise you may as well just write another "Roses are red" poem.

i enjoyed it, she will love it regardless if you ment something to her

well thanks everyone, i'm going to try again.. thanks for all the help

You shouldnt be getting advice from other people you should be wrighting down your true feelings for her from you if you care that deeply about her dont be afraid to open up!

true too