Darien's Conversation with Himself

- The following posts may be found offensive, blastphemous and funny. Some of these ideas are unoriginal, but I can assure you are not copyrighted, due to it being by word of mouth. Also, some ideas are based on true life experiences, and are inside jokes between my retarded friends and I. Some side effects include; shaking of fists, wetting of pants, cutting, cursing out loud, downvoting and other emotions. -

- Readers discretion is advised -

*Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are hanging out at the bar. Sitting next to them was Cpt. Crunch, Tucan Sam and Tony the Tiger*

Santa to the Easter Bunny: Damn man, those guys are taking the spot light from us. Soon enough these kids are going to think we're fake.

Easter Bunny: That's what you get for giving them coal for Christmas. Who wants to believe in a fat guy that magically fits through a chimney and leaves them coal.

Santa Claus: Yeah, well tell me how a Bunny can magically lay chocolate eggs. What the heck did you have sex with !? You know what, I don't even want to know.

Easter Bunny: You know what, forget it man. I'm gonna go hang out with the Toothfairy, at least she won't be giving me crap.

Cpt. Crunch to Tony: Eh Tony, those holiday guys are aruging again. They're just jealous we're more popular than them.

*In walks in Ronald Mc Donald. Everyone at the bar stops, turns to him, and secretly talks behind his back*

Santa to everyone: This guy is giving all of us a bad name. We need to take him out.

Easter Bunny: But Santa, what are we going to do?

Toothfairy: We'll get him mad drunk and wipe his make-up off, I wanna know who he really is.

Everyone: Deal

*everyone buys Ronald a shot, and after 4, he passes out on the bar stool. The gang start wiping the make-up off. When it was all done, the paused, and everyone's jaws dropped.

Everyone: Michael Jackson!?!?!?...

*Adam runs in through the door. Everyone stops and looks at him. After a few mintues of huffing and puffing, he calms down a bit*

Moses: Adam, what's wrong with you? Why did you come rushing in here?

*Adam still trying to catch his breath*

*Jesus walks over and pats him on the back*

Jesus: You are alright now.

Adam: Terrible news everyone! Eve left home today, she said she was fed-up with everything and just walked out on me.

Moses: Adam, what did you do!?..

Adam: I was telling her a story, but she stormed out. She asked how my day was, I said I was tired, and I had something to tell her. I went on to say, work was tiring, and I just wanted to get home and I was in a rush.

After that I paused, remembering a story, I said, Honey I have something to tell you. I smiled a bit. Then said, "I fingered a girl today." She looked at me and stormed out. I didn't even get a chance to explain myself!

Jesus: Adam! That's terrible, it's a sin to cheat on your wife, I am ashamed of you.

Adam: Wait! That's not the whole story, there's more to it!! "I fingered a girl today. She flipped me the finger, so I fingered her back!"

Moses: Yeah, I figured it was something like that.

Adam: Really? You believe me Moses?

Moses: I do! What girl would let you in 5 feet of them!?..

*Jesus saves,

He passes it down to Moses,
Moses on the wing to David
who sends it in to Noah,
Noah's on a break away!!!
He shoots!, Saved!..*

Moses: Jesus Christ!!! You gotta quit playing for both teams!!

Jesus: Ohh sorry, I keep forgetting.

*Moses runs in!*

OMG the Titanic just sunk and I lost all of my animals!*

Darien: What!?.. I thought Noah was incharge of the animals.. and what the heck are you doing on the Titanic!?

Moses: Uhh, Noah won a poker game, and won the Titanic. He's always off in Vegas.

Darien: Ohhh geez, he went back there again?.. and he didn't invite me!?..

Moses: Yeah, I know eh!.. Well I'm screwed! I just sank the Titanic and all the animals died, so Noah is gonna kill me!

Darien: Uhhh, yeah. I don't think God's gonna help, he got mad smashed last night, and he's still a bit hung over.

Moses: Oh man! Not again!.. Ok, uhh, you wanna help me gather up the animals and rebuild the Arc?

Darien: Heck no! I gotta get back to reality!

*background sound effects* dun dun dun!..

what the heck was that?!!?.. Is that you God?..

God: uhh, yeah I was bored, and had nothing better to do.

Darien: Don't you have like, people to save and stuff? or like prayers to be answered?

God: Yeah, but I get lazy. I send Santa Claus to do my dirty work.

Darien: That makes sense. It must get tiring being all powerful and stuff huh?

God: Yeah! but I get free internet!

LMAO - what in the world posessed you to start all of that? hahah.

*Noah, David, Moses and Adam were all sitting around the poker table, drinking and gambling. The games went on for a while, and they started drinking more and more. Eventually they got so drunk, that they fell on top of each other. They awake the next morning not remembering anything*

David: Owwww.. Geez, my head hurts.
Noah: What the heck happened?
Adam: What did we do last night??

*They look around, and they were all close to each other, sweat and booze reeked throughout the room. They noticed they were all very close to each other*

Moses: What the heck!.. why are you guys sleeping next to me? OMG! What did we do last night!?!?!
Adam: Guys I am never drinking again!..
Noah: Why!! ohh why!! I blame you God! You created taxes and hang overs!

*Out of no where God appears*

God: No, I just created everyone else with weak bladders!

Moses: God why would you let this happen?

God: Sorry guys, I was mad drunk last night and the Angel Gabriel was looking pretty fine.

Adam: Oh God, no wonder we had gay sex.

I have no clue Kara.. I have no clue at all..

I haven't read it yet, buit it seems utterly HILARIOUS...I'll read when I get a chance.

*Smiles and shakes her head* I love craziness.

wow.

lmao..that's great, but now i'm scared to see Ronald McDonald...

*Hitler and Stalin stand outside the base of Bush, Blair and Saddam. They argue over what is going on in the wars, and how they are sick of fighting each other in a box canyon. Hitler and Stalin leave frustrated, but calls in Chamberlin and tells him to negotiate.*

Blair: We won't give up with war, there are too many things at stake.

Chamberlin: Actually, I wanted to help you guys. I'm sick of Hitler and Stalin, they treat me like dirt!

Saddam: How do we know you're not gonna kill when we let you in. It could be a trap!

Chamberlin: They didn't even give me any guns or anything! It's like I'm in the Canadian army or something!

Blair to his comrades: I don't know if he's telling the truth, should be believe him.

Bush: No! They brain-washed him, and he going to take over our base. He's going to carry out all of their plans...... and even their schemes too!!!!

Blair: Bush, that's the most ridiculous idea I've heard.

Bush: Is it? or is it the most ridiculous thing, that it's so ridiculous that it may work, and you didn't even think of it.

Blair: No, just the regular kind of ridiculous.

Saddam: We'll know if he wants to kill us if he tried to get in.

Chamberlin: I want to join you guys!!

Bush: We're all gonna die!!!

Bush: No! They brain-washed him, and he going to take over our base. He's going to carry out all of their plans...... and even their schemes too!!!!

^^^Hah! Priceless!

Yeah, Ronald McDonald is a scary guy.. VERY scary guy..

hahha .. i'll post more later :)

DUDE you rock my socks!!!!!!
that was awesome... and i was REALLY sad earlier! you made me laugh, which NOBODY can do when im sad!

lol that is freaking hilarious.

Bush: we're all gonna die!!

^hahahaha that's great..

everyone buys Ronald a shot, and after 4, he passes out

^^
after 4? that's weak

Lol no probs Allanah, hope you enjoyed!!..

and yeah.. Ronald has a weak bladder.. or something..

I just realized something..If that's who Ronald really is,I can't eat McDonalds any more.....Who knows what he puts in the food...

Ever wonder why Big Macs have a lot of Mayo?..

Well now you know..

enjoy :)

Lmfao!!

ahaha .. yeah my brain is dead so I cant think of anything else..

haha. I'm singing to myself..

hey me too.....

its pretty fun.

ahhh!!! can't think of anything else that's funny :P hahah .. oh well

LMAOO the 3rd is the best!!

*Saddam and Bush are sitting on a cliff with a sniper rifle, looking down at Hitler and Stalin.
They have been on recon for 5 days now, and the heat of the battle is getting to them*

*Meanwhile, Hitler and Stalin are having a conversation. They ususally stand at the top of their base talking about anything ranging from war to girls.*

Hitler: You know, I had a girl once. We were about to get married.

Stalin: Oh yea? What happened?

Hitler: Well I got shipped out here, and you know, it didn't end up working out.

Stalin: Are you gay?

Hitler: What?.. no, why would you ask!?

Stalin: I'm just curious. I never had a girl.

*off in the distance*

Bush: What are they doing?

Saddam: For the love of Allah! Stop asking me that! I told you, they're still at their base, and they're still standing around, and they're still talking. That's what they were doing 5 mintues ago when you asked me, and that's what they were doing 20 minutes ago. 5 minutes from now, that's what they'll still be doing!

Bush: Well you're the one with the effin sniper rifle! How am I suppose to see!?

Saddam: Bush! I told you, they aren't doing anything but talking!!! Now stop asking me what they are doing!!!

Bush: Oh, ok. Fine.....
So what do you think they're talking about.

Saddam: You know what? I hate you.

Lmao Darien!!! You make me laugh! And that's hard to do lmfao

hahaha thanks ;)

I'm just a stupid retard like that.. I make everyone laugh.. hahah ..

I feel special now..

Haha!!!!!!!!

*Big Bird, Elmo, Oscar, Ernie and Bert were all hanging out at the park one day. Ernie and Bert were on the swings, while the rest watched from the picnic table.*

Elmo: You know what, I think those guys are gay.

Oscar: What?? what makes you think that Elmo?

Elmo: They are always together, they do everything together! They are worst than Mario and Luigi!

Big Bird: I've seen them bathing together.

Oscar: What the hell? You were watching them bathe together!? You sick perv!

Big Bird: No wait! I was walking by their place, and since I'm tall, I could see through the window, and I took a peak.

Elmo: Oh you disgust me Big Bird, you watched two guys shower together.

Big Bird: Well Elmo, I passed by your window last night and I saw the porno you were watching. Two men and a dog. Yeah, and you call me sick! Freak.

Oscar: *nervously* Uhh, did you see anybody else there last night?..

Big Bird: Uh, no why was someone else there?

Elmo: You retard, you gave it away. Now he knows.

Lmfao!!!

I LOVE big bird haha

*Rudolph the red nose reindeer was home alone crying on his bed. He took his camera out, and started video taping a video journal*

Rudolph: You know what, just for once I would like to fit in. Everyone always excludes me, including my friends. I just want to be gay, so everyone could like me. All of my friends are, I wish I could be like that. It's probably because I can't fit into my sister's jeans. I want to be 2 size skinnier damnit!

I get all these other reindeer coming up to me and telling me I'm cute and all. I mean, I like foes, but I just don't know sometimes. Those other reindeer are willing to play with me when I tell them I'm gay and stuff. I don't know, I just want to fit in that's all. God! I wish I were gay!
I wanna fit into my sister's jeans and wear make up!

^^ yeaa.. some of these are getting a bit offensive.. lol

lmao! To think i used to watch sesame street...and Elmo and Big bird were my favorites..awkward..

Rudolph! lol that's so cruel but yet so hilarious..poor little kids..they look up to him..

Lmfao!!

You're making me cry Darien!

Oh lordy! Lmao!!!!!!

"Bush: Oh, ok. Fine.....
So what do you think they're talking about.

Saddam: You know what? I hate you."

Oh my....That's too funny!!!! lmao!

lol.. haha glad I can make you guys laugh..

I should be a comedian.. :P