I told you it was complicated

Lately if I was asked how my life was, or some thing like that I'd simply say "Very complicated", and now, you can understand exactly how 'complicated' it is. Like I beleive I've stated below, this is the first time I've bothered to write /everyting/ out, and it was quite calming, and I hope it has eased my mind a bit... Read on, I beleive the next paragraph explains gently outlines my problem without much detail so you can decide if you want to go any further.

I started writing this simply to vent, but I guess that it’d help to get feed back, to feel a little less pathetic as some one helps me. I should be grateful, I get to chouse where I live, who I live with, so many children in divorced families never get that chouse. My family (well maybe my brother is a little, but only verbally) isn’t abusive, isn’t mean, and isn’t even really that strict, and so I don’t really touch on that sad type of story either. We’ve all focused on this too much, bout I don’t know who’s actually done any real thinking, this piece of writing is the first time I did… So will you help? Will you bother to read what I’ve written, bother to think about it, bother to try to help, or at least tell me ‘tough decision, I hope you can make it’? I’d settle for that, just to know some one made the effort to learn how I feel, what my side is right now… I get to talk to a judge soon, not sure when, but I think it’s this or next month, I get to tell her/him my chouse… What if I can’t chouse?

I hope this all makes sense to you.

Just sitting here, lost confused, angry… Why bother? I know that no matter what I chouse, no matter what I devote my hopes to; I’m going to lose some thing. Family… I loose that either way; with one side I loose it more though. Not sure which, I guess if I move down to my moms I loose more. I have an excuse to be up here, it’s friends. What’s my excuse to go down there? Stress? Well of coarse, because it’s always stressful when some one blames you for some thing you didn’t do or can’t help doing, or when you see some one else hurting, or when you know the reason you want to stay will probably fall away. How am I supposing to chouse? Go with the less stressful solid one? Or the one that scares me to death with its alien-ness, strangeness, unfamiliarity, and the idea of not knowing anyone down there… It’s my chouse, and I can’t chouse. They both frighten me. Staying here, feeling all the stress from everyone else in the house, being blamed for the mess I create by living, or going down there, where it’s laid back, new, hopeful, so frighteningly deserted of almost anything familiar.

I’d know two people there, two laid back, funny, wonderful people, and they’re not really ‘friends’, there parents. I love them too much to tell them everything, if I know anyone half well I can’t tell them much. I can’t hurt some one I know already has their own problems, their own issues, their own chouses to make. I’m so close to breaking off, starting over, leaving this stress… If my hope falls through, should I split then? Say I can’t handle the stress, the loneliness and anger this house is filled with simply because of confusion and frustration… Should I leave my one, two friends here? All my other friends have already moved away. My best friend, my main friend, she still has a few friends here; she can survive without me right here can’t she? Can’t she settle for my instant messages, our laughs there, our discussions of things that don’t matter in life, like the cute boy we saw the other day, or how to respond to a scenario on a internet forum. Can she settle for seeing my words, knowing my personality, but not seeing any of it, no motion, not hearing any of it, not knowing the tone of my voice, or if I’m just lying to her when I type that I’m fine.

Can I settle for it? I think I could, I think I could settle for instant messages, and phone calls, in trusting her to tell me the truth when it’s needed. I know she lies some times, she’s told me so. She told me about lies she’s made to others, admitted a silly one she told me. She knows when to go for help, she’s happy enough without my back up. I don’t use her back up, I whine, but I don’t know if she’s comfortable with it, and I get so upset when I get past whining that I just don’t go past it. Can I live without seeing her? Can I live with the stress while seeing her? Do I want to?

My one hope rests on the most stressed out person, what if they snap? My hope, as silly as it sounds, is a ride to the school of my chouse. The only place I’ve ever had a social life, the only place I’ve ever had friends, the second or third home I always felt safe at. Third home still counts as one when you’ve ‘lived’ at two different houses all your life. It doesn’t seem like I’ll be getting my ride, doesn’t seem like they can handle one more thing, doesn’t seem like they can handle getting up earlier, driving me to school, coming back, cleaning up, then heading off to a long, long hard day at work. They don’t have to clean, they could relax, but they don’t see it that way, it’s like a life or death thing with them. The house has to be spotless, it just has to be, they won’t settle for anything less, and they won’t accept help in reaching their goal. I feel their stress, the stress to continue with a life they hate, a life with no fun or relaxation.

Then there’s my dad, stress to become healthier, to keep his family healthy, to be a good father, to keep money coming in, to keep his parents happy, to keep his temper down, to keep his old addictions out of our life where they have been for all my memorable life. I feel his stress; he doesn’t show it very often, only in his dozen naps, through his aged body due to his chemotherapy so many years back, in his complaints about the weight loss he should be achieving so he can live longer, live with us longer, and keep everything together longer…

Then there’s my brother, he’s just always frustrated. He acts like the world is against him, there to make him work on things he hates, just because the world knows he hates it. He gets angry over the smallest things, and he’s constantly calling me names… I lock myself in my room some days, just to get away from him.

It’s my chouse where I go, my chouse… The less stressful one, the one that seems dangerous, it’d lead me away from these stresses and into new ones. I guess you could call it an adventure, moving in with my mom in a paradise town, there to make new friends, there to experience new things, there to leave everything I like, or love about my past behind. Well, not everything, not the items that I bring along, or the people I keep in touch with. That’s a funny thing. I hate leaving my house alone, and I hate bothering people and feeling like a burden, so most days I end up in my house, doing some thing alone, unless I’m online talking to my friends, or on the phone. I don’t call people, they call me, or I’m forced to call them. I will instant message people, though, but I’d never ask to come over, or hang out, and I’m very rarely asked to come over because my friends all live a town over, seem like a life over, and I guess it’s kind of tedious to have to arrange a long distance ride every time they want me over there. That’s why I don’t see a big difference between living a town over, and hundreds of miles apart if I don’t go to the same school as them while living a town over. I’d see them about as much, and I’d talk to them about as much. No big difference, that’s what I thought was funny. So why stay with the stress, without seeing the person who I love talking to and makes me forget my worries, why not just go with the laid back yet responsible people? They’re also more attentive….

I still have a hard time choosing though, because, the stressed out side gives off a ‘what, do you hate me or some thing’ vive, and I don’t want to hurt them, I don’t want to leave them and make them think that I do hate them… I don’t want to go to a new school here if I’m stuck with this stress-I don’t want a new school at all, I don’t want to leave the friends I only found after nine years of living in the same place. What if it takes me that long in this new home I’m offered? Will I be as unhappy as I was for those nine years? Feeling left out, feeling like a major burden on anyone who acted the part of friend, feeling unwanted, unneeded, just useless… I wouldn’t think of it just like that then, but that was how I was feeling. I wasn’t wanted, wasn’t needed, I just didn’t belong. Trying to belong is no fun; it probably makes you feel worse when uncaring people surround you then when no one surrounds you.

So I guess I’ve figured out why I’ve been so confused. I have focused on this problem, but not actually thought it out. I guess I’m afraid of a repeat of those nine lonely years, and being so far from everyone, and at the same time I don’t want to be in this stress hold held so close, yet so far away from my friends, and still starting over, still having to go to a new school. Of coarse my friends want me to stay, they don’t see the distance like I do, they don’t see how useless the hope is, they don’t see how much that hope would hurt my driver, and they don’t see how being so close yet going to a new school would kill me inside.

So, my dear poetry friends… Are you going to be like so many people I’ve talked to without giving them the details? Are you going to say ‘Just go with your heart’ without thinking about what that means to me? Think about what ‘go with your heart’ means to some one with a kind heart that never, ever, wants to actually hurt anyone, who’s afraid of hurting some one, more so then hurting themselves. Think; think about how much I’d feel guilty if I saw some one upset over my chouse… My mom already cries because I’m not down with her now, like I should be, and whenever I think about that, that makes me cry, makes me guilty, sad, and makes me feel pathetic. I don’t want to feel like that about three different family members, and two friends all at once.

Makes it harder doesn’t it? Adding another layer, stress, or emotions like guilt sorrow and loss.

Who would you go with, they’re all good people, all loving, just my dad isn’t home as much, barely home, my step mom is over stressed, my mom is loving caring, laid back, funny, my step dad is very immature and doesn’t know when to stop talking, and my brother… He’s just a little brat who occasionally does a random generous unselfish thing.

*(added after orignal write up) Another problem. That stressed out person, who's crazy, cleans constantly... Yeah, she left the house for a week, then came back. She's done it before, and I couldn't depend on her in the middle of a school year, I wouldn't know when she'd brake again.

Any help out there?

i simpasize for you. but i have a question. do you know the lord. i have no answer to your question. truly i know there is one father who can always be there and who isn't immature. hang in there and here me out. God will help. follow Jesus. What ever choice is up to you. the Bible can be your your shield of stress. my dear friend, it will help. pray to God it helps. I PROMISE. yp

alright well i am very glad you decided to talk about this with us and i feel bad that so many people probably decided not to help due to the length of this post but i just want you to realize something well your going to hurt someone either way from the sounds of it so you have 2 choices(i am being very blunt by the way) either go with the choice that hurts the less people or go the route that will make you happiest i mean this seems like a really really hard choice to make especially if you are trying not to hurt somebody close but if you are going to hurt someone either way shouldn't you choose the choice that will be best for you the best for your life? this is a really tough choice to make but make sure you pick the right choice i really hope this helps and well thanks for coming to us with this..take care i hope everything works out fine oh yeah a please tell us how your doing later alright?

(also to the previous poster not everybody follows god the bible or has a religion for that matter so if oyu think about it if the original poster doesn't believe in god that is kind of a waste of time i am not trying to argue at all it's just well i think you get the point i don't want to stray off topic)

Honestly, religion scares me.

Thank you we_all_live_to_die (there's no way to shorten your name!!). My moms coming up here next week, and I'm thinking about going down with her, at least for a little while so I know what it's like. I think that if some things happens I could probably come back to my dads even if it was in like two months and school had started...

I guess it's a stupid and judgemental comment that my step mom made (even if she was trying to be helpfull) that sparked this decisoin. It's not that I don't like her, she's just crazy.

Thanks for the help.

no problem =) i'm glad you have reached a decision you are comfortable with and well i hope everything works out o.k.

Well, being a girl who's moved around a lot in her childhood, I'd suggest you go live with your mom. You'd be able to make friends there and it'd probably be less stressful. Your friends from where you live now will understand. And as you stated, you barely get to see them now as it is, so why torture yourself, living in a stressful situation with little to no incentives.

A new adventure will help... And don't worry about your family or friends thinking that you hate them. This choice is yours to make and they will understand. It's a hard decision and you have to make it based on what's going to make YOU happy... I know it's hard to be selfish when you worry about others (I'm the same way), but you've gotta be selfish in times like these... You are the one that is going to have to live with your decision. So just try and choose the one that will make you happier, and from what I've read, it seems like moving to your mom's will make you happier.

~BJ~

>.< Not comfortable any more!!

My dad got down to talking about school clothes/supply shoping, and asigning chores. Chores will releve some stres on my step mom, and he seemed so set and happy about the idea of getting us new stuff.....

Congrats to my dad for puting down more guilt!

*Edited-Secrete posted while I was typing that ^ up*

My moms would still be more attentive, and probably still less stressfull (due to the whole situatoin with my step moms kids-although they're not in the house).

Thanks Secrete, I'm just hoping I can suck it up and stick to a decisoin.

Just know that no matter what you choose, it'll all work out in the end. Trust me... I've had to deal with going back and forth from California to Minnesota, and moving at least every 2 years, usually way more... But I'm 20 now, and I'm doing pretty good... Granted, I have no parents alive anymore, but I'm still here and have a pretty nice life.

~BJ~