Love contest. Open judging. Serious poets ONLY.

Rain
by Silhouette, of something unimaginable

Rain, something i think of
it reminds me of you
the day we met
our hair stuck to our faces
my make-up smeared
i looked up at you and smiled
water dripping off your nose
our eyes met,
it didn't matter how wet we were
then a car, a puddle
well you know
the moment lost
then we got on to the train
we sat together and whispered
about nothing
but about everything
it wasn't even our stop
but we got off any way
dancing in the rain
I've never felt this way before
then you kissed me
everything vanished
and we went our separate ways
all of this,
just because of the rain

im not offended....i was only saying....sheesh:P

I response, I speak to you all:

It can be any kind of love poem.

Happy love, desperate love, love that makes you kill, sensual-like love, loves that makes you want to die, etc.

ANY kind of love.

Hope that helps!

-J.R.S.P.

PS alright, ~Who Cares~, you win :P. I was just making certain.

The Harshness of Reality
By: Twisted Heart

They say that love can fill an ocean
sail a ship across the sea
Fly a kite above the clouds
or tame an angry honey bee

They say mere words of love bring hope
mending broken fences everyday
It's known to heal a tarnished heart
or chase the blues away

They say that love is the answer
to questions we may have through time
and it's the only thing that matters
to give it up would be a crime

That is what they say to me
as I travel through my life
They never bothered telling me
how love could cut you like a knife

They never said my heart could die
that trust and faith would both be gone
or cause me to scream in pain
when I was treated wrong

They never said to me it crushes
mortals agonized and broken
because they too believed the lie
when those three words were spoken

The harshness of reality
that love has brought to me
Is bittersweet and locked away
and needs no company
------------------------------------------------------

Reality is harsh, isn't it?

Alright, instead of breaking this one down into stanzas, I'm just going to review it as a whole. I love it when poems tell the truth about love and this does so very well, for love can do ALL of the things said in this poem. The funny part is that whether or not love is bad, people always seem to want more.

The line "or tame an angry honey bee" was one of those cutsie lines that reminds me of a kid's poem. I doubt that this was the intention, but that was the feeling I got from it.

This poem was a good picture of reality, it was written quite well, the rhyme scheme and flow were good. Keep it up!

-J.R.S.P.

Once I Loved You
By: BrokenMisery

Another smile to the disaster you encrypted
On my backbone, your tale scripted.
Paralysed at the blasphemy on your tongue,
Framed as your victim, as you prey on the young
(and innocent).

Stained your cheap dress in wine,
Kisses of laced decline,
(you traded yourself short).

Drown as you love yourself in vein,
Tears of the lies your insides contain.
Beauty slept inside your impure core,
For your not perfect, not anymore.

Spitting on your upturned funeral bed, your eternity
Little damned princess of modernity.
There's no forgiveness kiss in the make-up,
No blood covenant for your hiccup
(not anymore).

Stained your cheap dress in wine,
Kisses of laced decline,
(you traded yourself short).

Drown as you love yourself in vein,
Tears of the lies your insides contain.
Beauty slept inside your impure core,
For your not perfect, not anymore.

You were everything I held close,
I loved you the most
(only to watch you walk away).
-------------------------------------------------------

A part of me would love to hear this poem (which I assume is supposed to take form of a song) performed by a metal band. Yeah!

I love the use of the (parentheses). I think that they add a good element of sonical imagery to the poem. While I'm reading, whenever I come across the brackets, I always immediately hear a whispered voice. It's great.

The language is good. Sometimes it's a little bit ...gritty...for lack of a better word. Which is what I like.

I liked the phrase "There's no forgiveness kiss in the make-up." It is a good play on words. You know....the whole "kiss and make up" thing.

Just a few minor suggestions:

I think that "Paralysed by the blasphemy on your tongue" would be better.

I don't like the phrase "Framed as your victim, as you prey on the young" a whole lot, becaus ethe word "as" is repeated. Maybe it would be better if you replaced the second "as" with a "while."

I think the line "Kisses of laced decline" would be better re-worded as "Kisses laced with decline."

Change the word "vein" to "vain" for grammar's sake.

I found the line "Tears of the lies your insides contain" to be a little awkward. Maybe it's just me, though.

Change the last "your" to "you're."

Good poem, overall. I really enjoyed it. :) I got a lot of imagery and I though that it flowed pretty well...it would make an awesome metal song!

-J.R.S.P.

Enslaved
By: Bob Shank ;)

Panic consumes me
formed long ago
from abandonment
by those with undying love
infinity never existed

shackled is my heart
with gut wrenching emotion
never wanting such fear
nor understanding why
wisdom can be a curse

a soul that begs to be held
yet the mind says beware
blood stained echoes
call from distant nightmares
dreams can be tormenting

chained by remorse
religion's deepest shame
baptised unto guilt
bearing christian names
why have thou forsaken me

to be loved is to know sorrow
a leprechaun's wish for rain
but the gold is always lost
when the clouds reappear
poverty is welcomed.........
----------------------------------------------------

This poem reminds me of something...I can't put my finger right on it, but it's definitely there. I think it just reminds me of a poem that could've been written by a famous poet a long while ago. There's just something about the wording...superb, almost perfect.

I love the conflict involved in this poem. The narrator wants love, but knows that it will never work. He/she wishes that it could work, and also sees his/her wisdom as a curse...maybe because the person wishes that they could overlook how bad love can be, just for the sake of having it again no matter what the cost?

Anyway, you get the picture, I like the conflict involved. Lol.

I absolutely LOVED the third and last stanzas.

Stanza 3: The soul wants love but the mind tries to fight that feeling away. I get a good sense of imagery from these three lines:
"blood stained echoes
call from distant nightmares
dreams can be tormenting"

Sounds and visions pop into my head that just catch me off guard. I love it!

Stanza 5:

"to be loved is to know sorrow
a leprechaun's wish for rain
but the gold is always lost
when the clouds reappear
poverty is welcomed........"

I can't even describe why I like it, I just thought it was an immaculate ending - the perfect finishing touch for this wonderful poem.

I love it, Bob, I love it.

-J.R.S.P.

To Be Free
By: Oscar

I would give anything, to be away from here. to grow wings and fly, then I would just cheer. to live under the water, or up in the air. to live on a cloud, or somewhere without care.

what I would do to live far away, away from the fences, and no one to obey. to soar with the winds, to swim in bubbles, to run outside all day, and to jump in all the puddles.

I seek adventure, or at least some big change. to not know everything and to find some things strange. and it would just be so grand, to live alone, lay on the sand. to just go away and have them understand.

just to be free, alone, just with me. to prove I can do anything on my own. all the places to be, all the things left to see, all the things that make my life so carefree.

and I'd be alone, no sorrow or woe, no care about anyone's problem no more. oh please just help me, please let it be, please answer my prayer and just set me free.
--------------------------------------------------------

This isn't a love poem.

Sorry, but I'm not obligated to even read this.

Untitled poem
By: Girlie Goo

Baby girl do your thing,
Let love guide your way,
Baby girl just be careful
That you, arn't led astray.

For love is complicated,
In which no one understands,
Its a deadly virus baby girl
So don't jump at it with all hands.

Look outside your window,
See couples everywhere,
Baby girl just you make sure,
That the one you love really cares.

Baby girl there are bois,
Who will need you for their EGO,
Dig deep and you will find,
That these bois are the feeble.

Take your time with love
For if true it will never end,
Find a boi of wisdom girl,
One who shan't pretend.

Some bois treat girls like objects
Objects of desire,
Pick a boi of power, knowledge,
One who is not a liar.

For once you fall in love,
It will never leave your side.
But to be able to make your mistakes,
First you have to try.

So baby girl do your thing,
Let love guide your way.
But baby girl be careful,
That you arn't lead astray.
--------------------------------------------------------

This is a decent poem, a few touch-ups would do the trick to make it even better!

I am a hater of the word "baby" used in the context in which it it used in your poems. I would suggest the removal of it, pronto! :D

^ Same with the word "boi." Please, oh please change it to "boy" for poetry's sake.

There are a few apparently forced rhymes. In stanza 4, the words "ego" and "feeble" don't rhyme well. This distorts the flow a bit too much fo my liking. Also, in stanza 7, the words "side" and "try" - although vaguely similair in their sound, just aren't phoenetically compatible. (Is phoenetically compatable even a proper statement? Hahahaha.)

There are a couple of sentences that I found to be unecessarily awkward:

In stanza 2, "In which no one understands" should be re-worded for choherence and unity.

I found that the line "Baby girl just you make sure," in stanza 3, to be a bit awkward and flow-disruptive. Maybe if you changed it to something like "Baby girl, just make sure" and then change the last line to shorten it up a bit in order to make it more befitting.

Other than that, I found it to be ok. My favorite part was the close by return. I always enjoy that.

-J.R.S.P.

One more short one before I go to bedddd!

Love Equals Death
By Mooie Ogen (Anna)

I don't feel anything anymore.
Because I've been screaming, my throat is sore.

I've asked questions and I want the answers.
I'm being twirled around by singers and dancers.

All I see is bright colors and lights.
And I'm so tired of all these meaningless fights.

You're not proving anything by yelling at me.
Your words come out and that's the last I see.

Being dizzy and nauseous is what I do best.
Love me like you said. I'm putting you to the test.

I could get high off your words of love.
But reality strikes and angels come from above.

"I'm not sure anymore.." is what you say.
Well I wasn't sure since the very first day..
--------------------------------------------------------

To me, this seemed to be a rant-type poem. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing, but it seems like you almost rushed the words down in order to vent. Remember this - (if that IS in fact what you did) Even venting sometimes requires thought, when it comes to poetry. Especially when it comes to such a delicate topic as love. :)

OK, I liked the truth behind this poem, but it needs a teeny bit of attention in my opinion.

I think the thing that needs the most attention is the second couplet.

"I've asked questions and I want the answers.
I'm being twirled around by singers and dancers."

^^The second line was almost pointless. What do singers and dancers have to do with anything? It almost seemed like you were scrabbling to find something to rhyme with the word "answers," you know? I found that it just awakened weird and pointless imagery in my mind. It's quite strange, really.

"You're not proving anything by yelling at me.
Your words come out and that's the last I see."

^^Once again, the forced rhyme thing. You don't "see" words, so it just seems to me that you were searching for something to rhyme with "me."

"I could get high off your words of love.
But reality strikes and angels come from above."

^^I assume that these are bad angels? Maybe this was a bad idea, because I assume that you were trying to oppose the action of getting high off of these words of love, and usually angels are used as a sign of purity. Maybe you should've said something about the devil? I don't know.

All in all, it was a good idea/effort, but all I found in this poem was a bunch of meaningless imagery due to (from what I can see) the need to rhyme. Maybe rhyming isn't best suited for you. Try to write a free verse love poem. Or you could continue and just put more time, caree and love into your poetry.

-J.R.S.P.

The Small Time We Have

The small time we have
Reminds me of when
There was nothing at all
But that was then

To see you smile
Gives me so much joy
To you, my heart
Is not a toy

Together forever
Is all I want
But when the bond breaks
Those words will haunt

So please, give me joy
In your all-knowing smile
I want our love
To last a while

I'll endure all the things
The world can throw
Just hold me tight
And never let go

In the small years we have
I want you to know
Time goes too fast
And makes us grow

So before our hourglass
Runs out of sand
Let's take a walk
And simply hold hands

Feeling Green in the Game of Love

If only, if only youd look into my eyes,
and see that love for you hidden deep down inside.

i want to laugh with you,
to cry with you,
and hold you for all time.

but shes the one who makes you smile, shes the one you see.
im just a friend, theres no way youd love me.

I dont know how to tell you, or explain about that pain.
You see, it hurts when you walk in the room with her and not with me.

okay i admit it its jealousy im feeling,
but im really having trouble dealing with this love.

once again my dreams are crushed.
once again my heart is squashed.

but still i adore you,
still i dont give up.
Am I crazy or one day will I finally be in luck?
And youll finally feel the same as i have all through this STUPID GAME!

She Loves You
By: Allanah Rayne Pearson

What would you say if
I told you she loved you?
Would you laugh?
Would you cry?
Would you smile and say
I love you too?
Or would you frown
and walk away,
because you don't want
to be loved? Are you
afraid of love?

Is it something you always
wanted, but could never have?
And now that you do have it,
are you scared?
Do you always run
away from hurt feelings?
Are you such a chicken?
Well now you need to listen.

SHE LOVES YOU, more than
anything in the world, she
loves you. And she wants
you to love her, to tell her
she's beautiful, to hold
her when she is in pain,
to kiss her and make sure
she is never afraid.
Just remember, she loves you,
and we love you too.
-------------------------------------------------------

Stanza 1: I'm a little iffy as to whether I like the constant question thing. I find it to be a little tedious to read. It's kind of like 20 questions, you know? In the 6th line, the "you" should be changed to "her" as it is referring to the mother, and not the narrator/questioner. I like how the line "afraid of love?" is isolated from the rest of the sentence. It helps to add a packed punch to the question.

I don't have much more to say. The rest is pretty good, I just don't like how the whole thing is a huge interrogation without any response. Maybe if you held back with the questions, it would seem a little less tedious.

-J.R.S.P.

Untitled poem
By: Poetress*Fighter

What beauty lies in Thy eyes
Swarming bees of honey cries
Awaiting my appeasing kiss
Ah, such lust in gleaming bliss
Blooming arousement in thy hands
Oceans of jewels without no end
Tis a sorrow to lose this game
But I shall win in valor grace
You aroint me in vile haste
But such beauty can't die in waste
Waiting and waiting upon thy thee
Let down your guard, let me breath
What is it that you ask of me?

In Response...

A beauty yes, but only a statue of gold
An idol of admiration of men till I'm old
Like a red rose in a field of death
Time lingers and withers my soul
True, you are a man of great wealth
Prowling the night with eager stealth
Tempting young maidens to broken hearts
Judge me nought, I differ from those
Love me like no other men dares
See inside my yearning face so fair
Gaze at me, not this Idol I've become to be
Then I shall join your intimate seas
-----------------------------------------------------

I was left in awe by your wonderful word selection. You are well on your way to becoming a master (mistress) of the english language and it's potential beauteous side.

One thing, the rhyming (although inconsistant in the first place...which is kind of refreshing) was near completion, but a few things made it slightly awkward. In the first stanza, it was consistant until line 5, and then picked back up in line 9. In stanza 2 it was consistant until line 7 and then picked up again in line 9. I just found that if there is to be rhyming in a poem at all, it should either be thorough or almost inexistant. One thing that you could do - when the rhymeing breaks, you could start a new stanza, like this:

"What beauty lies in Thy eyes
Swarming bees of honey cries
Awaiting my appeasing kiss
Ah, such lust in gleaming bliss

Blooming arousement in thy hands
Oceans of jewels without no end

Tis a sorrow to lose this game
But I shall win in valor grace

You aroint me in vile haste
But such beauty can't die in waste
Waiting and waiting upon thy thee
Let down your guard, let me breath
What is it that you ask of me?"

^ Maybe? I don't know. Lmao.

The line "Oceans of jewels without no end" is slightly non-sensical. It should be something like "Oceans of jewels with no end" or "Ocean of jewels without an end.

"Waiting and waiting upon thy thee" makes no sense.

In the second last line of the first stanza, it should be "let me breathe" not "breath."

Other than that, I have no complaints. You nearly bewitched me with you word selection...it was somehow intoxicating. I really liked this poem. Great job!

-J.R.S.P.

hey, looks like you skipped my poem "on our way"....lol....just reminding..thanx

^^ Don't worry, I didn't skip it.

I'll get too it very soon!

By my side
by [-Me-] (who else would it be by??!!!)

i want to be
next to you
i miss you when
your far away
being with you
makes my day
i need you to be near
when you're here
i have no fear
but when you leave
when you're gone
I'm forgotten
abandoned
left out
in the cold

i cry
i die
inside
it kills me
i can't survive
without you
i can't deny
i need you

i need you
by my side
for me to hide
behind
this burning desire
like gasoline
on fire
Ecstasy-
only higher
but then i learn
you're a liar

a cheat
a sneak
a crook
like a coded book
with torn pages
and forgotten
lies
i forgot to read
between the
broken lines

now i see
how you're a fake
it's like finally
I've begun to wake
from a clouded dream
an incubus
of screams
a nightmare
of lies
that's what it seems

now everything
is back
to the way
it used to be
now, nothing is right
there is no more light
the world is
covered,
smoldered in night
the eyes of the people
are shadowed
in fright

i can't look you
in the eyes
can't face
you're demonic lies
i can never
bear the sight
because of you
i will never
be alright
your lies show
the fact that you
never feel contrite
this spark of hatred
is what
you ignite

your lies
they kill me
burn me inside
make me feel
a desperate
need to hide
can't you tell?
that it's you
i despise?

please leave me
please forget me
i desperately need
you to regret me
just find
someone else
to torment
to torture
to curse

to make their lives
miserably worse

find someone else
to kill
with your lies
because no more tears
will fall
from these eyes
these cheeks
shall be dry
i will never again cry

But i want
you to know
that i still
need you
by my side.

[-untitled-]

Hey i forgot to say this in the beginning-
Jordan i want to say thanks for reading and critcising our poetry, its very ambitous.. lol. i would never be able to read and comment about like every line, in detail on like 20 poems. by the end i'd be like, it was good but you didnt display the idea very clearly.. or something. lol.

Thankies!

[-untitled-]

"Scared"
By: ~Flying High~

Trying to make sense of all these unvoiced, unneeded
Thoughts in my head, jumbled together so well.
Idle fingets wandering aimlessly through my hair.
LIke sewing something together without a neelde or thread.

Grasping at every given idea, thought, memory,
Racking my brain for a notion, a reason, a glimpse
Into how someone like you can love someone like me.
Tell me, how truthful can a love truely be?

Opening up my head and heart, opening up wide
Trusting anyone new is hard for me,
But trusting you comes oh so very naturally.
Holding ont you and me, and our memories.

Hopeing you too feel the same way ,but too
Timid to open up and let you in.
Closing up, sealing off these words that linger oh so
Very close to the tip of my tounge, yes oh so close.

I cant let them come out, not wanting to rush all of
This too much, unsure of yours and even my own feelings.
Somehow hoping youll figure it out and make the
First move, because for once in my life, I am scared.

Scared that what I feel isnt mutal, scared that
Your just messing around. and scared that Ill fall
Fall in a love that resembles the one that my parents had.
But most of all, Im scared of being in love with you.

Everyt time you call, my heart skips a beat Every time
Your near, all of my many problems seem to fade.
Feeling you close to me, and knowing that you care.
I am falling so fast, so far; So in love with the idea of being in love with you.

Roses In My Hand

The beauty as I see it
Lies flawless in my hand

Crystal tear drops are burning
Wilted petals where I stand

In sync they fall together
Roses blossomed in the dark
A flower, oh so pretty
Yet alone in every part

Deep...
Bloody red in color
With love and thorns of death
Beautiful...
For beholding eyes
Yet pain for every flesh

(It's short. Hope it counts.)

You are my all

The apple of my eye

The air I need to breath

The tear I need to cry

You are the blood

That pumps my viens

You are the beat in my heart

Without you I am nothing

A end without a start

You are the reason that I am

And the reason I'll always be

Without your love to keep me going

There would be no me

Mooie Ogen:

I'm glad that you value my opinions, that means much to me. And sorry if I made you feel like a bad poet...:)

[-Untitled-]:

Not a problem! It's a pleasure to do this, I actually enjoy it! (Maybe that's why I would like to be a critic for a magazine some day!)

I'm glad you value my opinions.

-J.R.S.P.

Final Kiss Goodnight
by Póετε§Š Call Me Glen-Duh!

The time has come for you to leave,
from my side you must now part.
Here, I ask you just one thing
take with you my entire heart.

Please don't forget the memories
or the passions of each night.
Don't let go of what we have
remember when you held me tight.

I look back on the times we shared
when everything was you and me.
There are no doubts inside our heads
you and I were meant to be.

You know I'll miss your tender touch
and the way you made me feel.
Making every dream come true
making my fantasies all real.

All those stolen, secret kisses
when there was nobody around
The way your lips caressed me
swept me completely off the ground.

Everything from the beginning
until the very end
Our hearts may break in two
but I promise they will mend.

The things you said that night,
on that last night we met
"Baby I'll remember everything,
I promise you I won't forget."

You caressed my lips with yours,
in your arms holding me tight.
You sealed every single promise
with one final kiss goodnight...
-------------------------------------------------------

I really like this piece. To be honest, I don't really have anything critical to say about it. It was very simplistic.

I really liked the first stanza. The last two lines packed a heart-felt punch that realy hit home for me.

The rhyme scheme, flow and diction of this piece were all good - just a few minor suggestions!

I think that line 3 of stanza 2 should be changed to "don't let go of what we HAD" instead of "have" to reinforce the past tense of the love in question.

I think, personally, I'd change line 2 of stanza 5 to "When no one was around" and then change line 4 to "completely swept me off the ground." I think that sounds better.

I think that you should remove the words "that" and "night" from the first line of the second last stanza to avoid repetition of the word night. It may make it sound better.

'Tis it!

All in all, it was a good solid effort, and it worked. I liked it, and I'm sure almost everyone else did, too! Good job!

-J.R.S.P.

On Our Way...
By: Dhaval

We walked through gates like ancient friends,
your last rose petal declared “he loves me”
as my stifling lips smiled in pretence
I trepidly told of the rose’s honesty.

Somewhere in the scent of the soil we graced
and along the dew of the trails we tread,
ignorance was joy when this heart once raced
and butterflies danced above mushroom heads.

Somewhere along that old winding course
we tripped and fell down flat across the lawn,
I lifted you up, and dumping all remorse
you strode ahead, but I couldn’t carry on.

He was never there around- and you wailed
when his offhand words overlooked your heart,
yet it was I who ensured that tears never welled
in the eyes of the girl who ripped me apart.

Your statements of love gnawed and poked
unrequited knives split my innards in two;
sometime a day-dream, my feeble spirit broke,
somewhere on our way, I fell in love with you......
---------------------------------------------------------

This is a very sad story. It is good that you chose to vent it through poetry, because you have blessed us with a wonderful piece! It almost hurts to read some of it, it is very sad....you did a good job of choosing the proper words to convey this sadness that you felt.

I am sorry, but there is no advice that I can give to help better this pice. It is perfect in my eyes. I loved it.

I think my favorite line was:

"unrequited knives split my innards in two"

This is because said line stands out a mile from the rest. The words are still carefully chosen in order to maintain that "classy" atmosphere of the poem, but it creates such contrast. The word "innards" I think is what does it, lol.

Great work. Just great!!

-J.R.S.P.

I'll do more tomorrow!

I'm off to bed, g'night!

October Rain

you don't know how you make me feel, standing here next to you. knowing that i love you, and hoping you love me too. the dark purple sky, with clouds all around. as the soft rain falls on us, and we listen to the sound.

i wish it would never end, this beautiful October rain, because when i'm with you, i can feel no pain. as we lay on the ground, staring up at a star. i think of all the good times, and how we've come so far.

had i only just known, it would be our last night. had i only just known, this would be your last sight. i never would have left, from that soft spot on the ground, where we lay every day, because that's where each other, we found.

but now i'm alone, you're simply a memory. forgotten by all, all of course except me. i kept you in my heart, still you're a shattered dream. i don't want to let go, but you're fading into steam.

i want to be with you, want to see you anew. so i found out a way, to be with you real soon. and as i pick up this gun, and hold it up to my brain. i'll never forget, that this is my last October Rain.

Oscar

Upon a lover's Ideal

Lame beauty withering slowly
Against the precious life form's arm.
A kiss planted so gently
Upon a lover's palm.

Sweet teardrops of the sunlight
Bathe them in a reclusive glow
A shadow falls intently
Upon a lover's plateau.

Alas! It seems pure nature
Has followed in appeal,
So calm, the world is living
Upon a lover's ideal.

Oscar, you're lucky that I'm nice...I wouldn't let you re-enter otherwise. Lol.

The Perfect Day
By: Lexie

The day was perfect
The sun was shining
I was so nervous, but yet so happy
All my friends were there.
The best one standing beside me.

She was helping me get dressed.
Putting the flowers in my hair
Tying the bow on my dress
Wiping the tears from my eyes
Finishing all the little touches.

I had been planning this since
I was a little girl
Talking about the different colors
Where it would be held,
And even who would be invited.

It was now time,
Time to walk down the isle.
Time to smile and look beautiful
Time to look into this man’s eyes
And say the magical words “I Do.”

It was a day I could always see
Something I couldn’t wait for.
A day every girl dreams of.
The day she dresses in white
And gives her life to the man she loves.
---------------------------------------------------

I'm not much for "story" poems, but that's just me. It was pretty good, but I'm just not a fan of how straightforward these narrative poems turn out.

In stanza 1 I think line 3 would be better suited without the "but" after the comma. It would then read "I was so nervous, yet so happy." It would be even better if you also removed the word "so" after the comma, and replaced it with another word...."very" maybe?

There isn't much else I can say about this poem...no suggestions or anything!

Hmmm......I think it's time for the signature now....

-J.R.S.P.

A Final Prayer
by †!♪~*`Bryce Dressler`*~♪!†

A slow rolling tear
Falling down his cheek
As he stood over her bed
he began to feel weak

He couldn't believe it
No way this was true
He couldn't live without her
He wouldn't know what to do

He dropped to his knees
At the head of her bed
Looked up to the ceiling
Crying he said,

"Why'd you do this god
Why'd you take her from me
I need her so much
Why can't you see

It can't end this way
No, she can't die
God please don't do this
I can't say goodbye

She can't go away
Not here, not now
I'll do anything to bring her back
Please just tell me how

Take the life from me
Take my heart and soul
God please bring her back
I don't care what the tole

Take the blood from my veins
The breathe from my chest
I don't care if I die
Just put me to rest

God please listen
The pain is to much to bare
Her life will end real soon
If at all you care"

He stopped speaking for a minute
As she layed there dying
The only sound to be heard
Was of the teenage boy's crying

His tears crashed to the floor
As he barely made a stand
He reached across her body
And held her hand-in-hand

As he wiped his eyes
He couldnt understand
Whyd this have to happen
Whyd it have to end?

He had one last thing to do
As he watched her lay
He had one last minute
One last thing to say

"I have one more thing to ask
a favor, God, from you
If you are going to take her
Can you please take me too?"

Again he fell to his knees
Not knowing what else to say
He held her hand tight
Not ready to give her away

But then he heard the monitor
Beep for the final time
And after that, all to be heard
Was the single flat line.

He let her hand go
And kissed her on the cheek
As more tears came to his eyes
He prayed they'd soon meet

Although she is in heaven
Past the clouds and above
They could deny him her body
But not their love

And when he gets to heaven
He will soon see
She will be waiting
To be together...Eternally
--------------------------------------------------------

Whew, this one's a long one! Hee.

OK, first off, this was a great love story...very sad...touching. I think I've read it before, actually. Anyway, you did a good job of creating this story, and the moologue in the poem was pretty good, too.

In stanza 1, just to keep the verb tense in the past, I think that it'd be better if the word "falling" would be better if it were "fell," you know, just to avoid the switching of tenses.

In stanza 3, just to add unity, coherence...whatever - add the word "while" to the beggining of line 4. "While crying, he said."

In stanza 7, "tole" should be spelled "toll."

In stanza 8, the word "breathe" should be "breath,"
but I find this to be a little awkward....I have no suggestions of my own, but maybe you could re-work the line?

"God please listen
The pain is to much to bare
Her life will end real soon
If at all you care"

^^ I found the last two lines to be a little strange. The boy says "'Her life will end real soon
If at all you care'" Which, to me means that if God actually cares, then he will allow her to die. I realize that this was not the intention, but that is the way that it reads. I think it needs re-wording to clarify this. Also, the first "to" in line two should be "too." To, two, too...hah.

In stanza 11, I find that line four is a little weird for me. Maybe if instead, it read "and delicately held her hand" or something like that.

Stanza 12: Don't forget the apostrophes in the word "why'd!!"

In the second last stanza, I think that it would sound better like this:

"Although she is in heaven
Past the clouds, up above
They could deny him her body
But could not deny their love"

Just me, though.

Allright, that's all I've got. It was a good poem, there were just a few rough spots that I found.

Good job!!

-J.R.S.P.

Rain
by Silhouette, of something unimaginable

Rain, something i think of
it reminds me of you
the day we met
our hair stuck to our faces
my make-up smeared
i looked up at you and smiled
water dripping off your nose
our eyes met,
it didn't matter how wet we were
then a car, a puddle
well you know
the moment lost
then we got on to the train
we sat together and whispered
about nothing
but about everything
it wasn't even our stop
but we got off any way
dancing in the rain
I've never felt this way before
then you kissed me
everything vanished
and we went our separate ways
all of this,
just because of the rain
---------------------------------------------------
Haha, this is one of the cutest poems I've ever read! I love the "plotline" (for lack of a better word)! There were a few things I found that could be changed in order to try and make the flow a bit better. Here's what I came up with.

Alright, in line two, I think that the word "it" should be changed to "that." To make it "Rain, something I think of that reminds me of you."

And in line 12, it would be better as ""the moment was lost" or somthing like that.

Lines 13 and 14 might read better as "We got on the train, sat together and whispered."

Instead of "everything vanished" in line 22, I think it would sound better as "and everything vanished." Just to match the length of the line with line 20. (A trick to add better flow)

And maybe it would be better if in the second line, you said "all of this happened" instead of just "all of this."

Anyway, that's all from me. Good job!

-J.R.S.P.

Alright, for whoever's listening, I just had an idea.

What I came up with is this:

After I recieve a few more poems, I'm going to close this contest. I'm going to continue until I have ALL of the poems critiqued, and then - here's the special part - I'm going to give you all a sign. Once I give the sign (who knows what it'll be), I want everyone (who is willing) to re-submit their poem. They can re-submit it WITH or WITHOUT the changes that I suggested. I will then sift through the poems that are RE-submitted and pick a few winners (probably 5).

Good luck!

(yes, I realize that I posted this at the top, too....I'm just trying to reinforce it.)

6 Spots left!!

Anyone who posts a poem after #35 will NOT BE ACCEPTED!

Sorry, but dem's da rules. Lol.

Untitled poem
By: Girlie Goo

Little girl do your thing,
Let love guide your way,
Little girl, just be careful
That you, arn't led astray.

For love is complicated,
In which people dont understand,
Its a deadly virus little girl
So don't jump at it with all hands.

Look outside your window,
See couples everywhere,
Little girl, just you make sure,
That the one you love does care.

Little girl, there are boys,
Who will need you for one thing,
Dig deep and you will find,
For the right boy your heart will sing.

Take your time with love
For if true it will never end,
Find a boy of wisdom girl,
One who shan't pretend.

Some boys treat girls like objects
Objects of desire,
Pick a boy of power, knowledge,
One who is not a liar.

For once you fall in love,
It will never leave you alone.
But to be able to make your mistakes,
You have to lose, to be able to know.

So little girl, do your thing,
Let love guide your way.
But little girl be careful,
That you arn't lead astray.
--------------------------------------------------------

How was that i have changed what you suggested let me know soon xxx alex xxx

lol thanx for allowing me to re enter

No problemo, Oscar!

PS there are actually 7 spots left. WOOOO!

Also: Alex. I will get to your poem later. Just wait for the signal, lol!

Dont leave

dont leave please.
i never done anything but love you
i cant live without you
just dont leave
ill do anything to make you stay
why do say I dont love you
when all these years I have
ill think about you every day

remember the day we met?
it was like yesterday...........
i was at school being made fun of as usual
but you were my knight and shinning armor
sticking up for me

remember when you said you loved me.
ill never forget that
a sunny day
while we were cuddling on a tree
by the lakeside
you had to tell me something
then you said those 3 special words
i said it back
those words were like magic
like all your spirits are lifted

then after that chaos
we already gradated school
we moves in together
like a loving couple always do
i always worked late
but you always assumed I was at a club
when I was out with my friends
you said I was out with a guy
when I went late grocery shopping
you said I was out late clubbing

we argued and fought
you even slapped me and never regretted it
did I deserve it?
am I nothing?
like dirt on the ground that every one kicks around?

then you started doing it more but I always forgave you
you treated me like dirt but I forgave you
then one day you had with me

dont leave
i love you please never forget that
ill love you till the day I die
or when my soul parts from my body
and enters the gates of heaven
bye [tear scrolls down your cheek]

6 Spots left!

Oh, and I'm not in a critiquing mood tonight, I'll do a few more over the span of tomorrow. ;)

-J.R.S.P.

-Edit-

Thanks for the umm...suggestions. =)

(I posted Final Kiss Goodnight from my other account. Sorry if I confused you).

~*~"Sandcastles"~*~

Building sandcastles
With you by my side
Our hands softly touching
Our faces we hide

The waves lap the shore
The ocean's so blue
I'd rather do nothing
Than be here with you

You know that I'm blushing
You smile with glee
We hold a warming gaze
As we stand at the sea

The salt in the water
The chill in the air
But you promise you love me
You promise you care

Your arms hold me tender
Your love is so sweet
We kiss in the water
The sand at our feet

The waves come in stronger
You hold me closer still
I love how you protect me
And shelter me with will

The sandcastle is swept away
By the force of the waves
But our love is much stronger
Our love always stays

Copyright (C): Rhianna

5 spots!

Sorry I haven't done anything in the past little while, I'm just way too lazy lately. Lose respect for me if you must (if you even had any to begin with), but it's the truth. Lol.