Love contest. Open judging. Serious poets ONLY.

me next me next.....i wnt to join the invite contest but u havnt dont mine yet......o well ill b lookin!!

Do you seriously spell turd with a u? Well either way, I hoped the "terd" thing would emphasize that I was not being completely serious..just giving you a hard time because I was bored (and am still!) I'm sorry I offended you so terribly ;-) and...don't call me baby, even if you're being sarcastic.

Also Jordan, did you notice that you contradicted yourself? You lectured me on calling you "names," then went on to call me an idiot. Either way, again, I am sorry I got you so worked up.

S'ok.

But remember, it's hard to sound sarcastic on a computer.

Haha.

Oh, and I didn't call you an idiot, persay...I said "don't BE an idiot." Haha, two different things....I swear.

Don't leave
By: Broken Fallen Angel

dont leave please.
i never done anything but love you
i cant live without you
just dont leave
ill do anything to make you stay
why do say I dont love you
when all these years I have
ill think about you every day

remember the day we met?
it was like yesterday...........
i was at school being made fun of as usual
but you were my knight and shinning armor
sticking up for me

remember when you said you loved me.
ill never forget that
a sunny day
while we were cuddling on a tree
by the lakeside
you had to tell me something
then you said those 3 special words
i said it back
those words were like magic
like all your spirits are lifted

then after that chaos
we already gradated school
we moves in together
like a loving couple always do
i always worked late
but you always assumed I was at a club
when I was out with my friends
you said I was out with a guy
when I went late grocery shopping
you said I was out late clubbing

we argued and fought
you even slapped me and never regretted it
did I deserve it?
am I nothing?
like dirt on the ground that every one kicks around?

then you started doing it more but I always forgave you
you treated me like dirt but I forgave you
then one day you had with me

dont leave
i love you please never forget that
ill love you till the day I die
or when my soul parts from my body
and enters the gates of heaven
bye [tear scrolls down your cheek]
------------------------------------------------------

I'm being honest here (I don't mean to be mean or anything) when I say that I don't like this poem. I found that it was too straightforwar and story-like. It was basically nothing more than an explanation of events that happened between two people who were in "love." The grammar was terrible, and some of the lines/sentences just didn't make sense.

Here goes....

Stanza 1: I knew that this was going to be a disaster when the word "I'll" wasn't capitalized, AND was missing an apostrophe. Tsk, tsk. I am a firm believer in correct/proper grammar...so this just irked me like there's no tomorrow. I see that you used a tad of punctuation throughout the piece, but you weren't consistant at all with any of your grammar.

The line "i never done anything but love you" is completely incorrect. I suggest fixing that one, especially.

Stanza 3: In lines 6&7, the wording was a litlle awkward. Instead of saying:

"you had to tell me something
then you said those 3 special words,"

it would be better if you just removed the word "then" alltogether and just put a comma after the word "something."

In the last two lines,

"those words were like magic
like all your spirits are lifted"

It would be better if you changed the wording (in the last line) to remove the word "your." The wording just seems weird to me.

I'm, just gonna stop here. All that I'll say is this: You should definitely re-evaluate your grammar, because people will see your poetry as immature if you fail to use good grammar. It is a skill that no poet should go without (in my opinion). Also, watch the wording of your sentences. You seem prone to creating sentences that don't really make sense. Just check over the poem and fix these, because they really do nothing for the flow/coherency of the poem.

Other than that, it was ok.

-J.R.S.P.

~*~"Sandcastles"~*~
By: >liquid dreams

Building sandcastles
With you by my side
Our hands softly touching
Our faces we hide

The waves lap the shore
The ocean's so blue
I'd rather do nothing
Than be here with you

You know that I'm blushing
You smile with glee
We hold a warming gaze
As we stand at the sea

The salt in the water
The chill in the air
But you promise you love me
You promise you care

Your arms hold me tender
Your love is so sweet
We kiss in the water
The sand at our feet

The waves come in stronger
You hold me closer still
I love how you protect me
And shelter me with will

The sandcastle is swept away
By the force of the waves
But our love is much stronger
Our love always stays
----------------------------------------------------------

This was a pretty good poem, despite the use of "I's," "we's" and "you's." It flowed fairly well, and the wording was simple and almost delightful. It was a ver lighthearted poem...I think that's what I liked about it.

Just a few things...

Stanza 1: The line "Our faces we hide" didn't seem to fit in well with the rest of the stanza. Why would you want to hide your faces when you're inn love with each other...you know? It seemed like this was just an attempt to rhyme with the word "side."

Stanza 3: "As we stand at the sea" would sound better if you replaced "at" with "by." It would help to maintain the flow of the poem.

Stanza 4: In line 3, the "but" is not necessary. Nothing happened prior to the promising that would merit a "but." Plus, it would just sound better if said word were not there, watch:

"The salt in the water
The chill in the air
you promise you love me
You promise you care,"

On top of removing an unecessary word, it also creates parallel structure, which can be refreshing at times (when it's not over done :D)

In the closing stanza (which is GREAT, by the way), I think it would be better if you just removed the word "away" from line 1. It would cut down on the length of the line, and keep the poem's flow in order. You know?

Other than that, my only other suggestion would be to use punctuation. Punctuation helps the reader to read the piece properly, and also adds a sense of the existance of the English language. :)

Good job!

-J.R.S.P.

I'll do more later, I promise.

Soon, everyone's poetry will be done and then we can get the final contest on the road!

Sorry again, that it's been taking me so long to do this.

*sigh* i really tryed on tht poem....owell.......ill try again...mayb l8ter.........well at least i have a chance on the next contest!!

What's up with this?

Christ, I'm sorry guys. I haven't been online in a long while...I completely forgot about this.

There're only 5 left, so I'll get cracking at them tonight and hopefully I'll get them done, pronto.

Sorry!

-J.R.S.P.

The Minotaur
By: Sondos

I fell in love with a Minotaur last night
And felt dragonflies pierce the dawn
T'was silent but for the fireworks
That rung in our ears alone

The lights up on Blackpool tower
And the charred fire wood
Were snuffed out by our passion
Of tameless chaos where we stood

Was it the hair of this timeless beast?
Or those sullen eyes?
That devoured life's useless web of tactics
Destroyed the brain's demise

He was at least 3 times my size
And I was dressed in virgin white
Purity leaked from my limbs
Electricity blinded my sight

And the wind shattered me into his grip
And we were waxed into time and place
The bubbles of passion and faerie rings
Clouds crushed my heart of lace

My fingers drooled and my tongue shrivelled
Heart was gone and caked with sweat
Windmills whirled and corn crops blossomed
Fish swarmed the skies, not fishing nets

Tomorrows shattered and light bulbs too
Labyrinths draped behind the gate
Whip ready and eyes tightly shut
The human race will just have to wait....
----------------------------------------------------------

Holy wow! I love this poem! First of all, I must say that I was very intruiged from the start (upon seeing the word "minotaur). I love mythological creatures and the like. Second, the idea is just wonderful! It was a very creative poem, and the imagery stunned me. The use of language was near perfect...I LOVED IT!

I can't critique this poem, I liked it too much.

My only complaint would be that I think the flow would work better if you incorporated some punctuation into the piece. But, having said that, it was still excellent despite the lack of our little friendly commas, periods, etc.

Great job, just great!!

-J.R.S.P.

Why
By: crazyandsweet

"Why do I love you?" I have been asked
I will tell you and it won't be fast

You have the most beautiful eyes I have seen
When I look into them I get lost in a dream

The sense of security I have when were together
Tells me that you are the one I want to be with forever

Your sweet embrace gets me every time
Which is shown through my smile and shine

Sweetness comes natural for you to share
And the ones you love see it by your uttermost care

Your elegant smile always lights up any room
Which has everybody feeling happy and never gloom

Every gentle caress that comes from your fingertips
Sends me sailing on the most divine of ships

Your gorgeous body from head to toe
Is evident as the world already knows

My heart melts from the sensual sound of your voice
While keeping other parts of my body very moist

You love me like I thought I could never be loved
And would never hurt me in any way not even being shoved

Just by the very look that glows from your eye
Tells me that your love for me reaches higher than the sky

My fears and worries vanish when you are near
Which has my head always feeling free and clear

Even though I may be so very far away
You always tell me you love me each and everyday

So what do I say when asked, "Why Do I Love You?"
Cause I know in my heart and soul...
I will always love you from here to eternity...
That's why I want to walk down the aisle and say "I Do!"
---------------------------------------------------------

I found this to be an immature poem. It lacked emotive language and just seemed like some sort of Hallmark work of manufactured art with a few added grammatical errors.
Sorry, no offence, just an opinion! :D

Alright...first off, a lot of the rhyming seemed almost forced. It was as if throughout the entire poem, you were thinking too hard about it and it just didn't come out the right way. I don't rally know what to tell you, other than to just let the words flow naturally form your mind. Don't ponder too hard about it or it will never come smoothly.

^ The second, third, fifth and sixth stanzas, especially seem contain forced rhyming. Just check these out and maybe something else will come to mind. And don't be afraid to revise entire stanzas :)

Now, for some little observations:

"The sense of security I have when were together
Tells me that you are the one I want to be with forever"

^ I think that the second line was a bit long, which threw off the flow. Try and shorten it a bit.

"And the ones you love see it by your uttermost care"

^ Heehee, I think the word you were looking for was "utmost." I don't believe that "uttermost" is a word. Cute, though. Also, maybe you could replace the word "by" with "through." It would make a tad more sense.

"Which has everybody feeling happy and never gloom"

^ That makes no sense. Maybe it would work better if you changed the entire thing around. People don't feel "gloom," they feel "gloomy." And that would just sound funny:

"Which has everybody feeling happy and never gloomy"

^ See? Funny! Maybe there's something you can do to change it AND keep the rhyming pattern.

"Your gorgeous body from head to toe
Is evident as the world already knows"

^ That didn't make sense to me at all. What is evident? What does the world already know?

"My heart melts from the sensual sound of your voice
While keeping other parts of my body very moist"

^ HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, funniest line in a poem EVER! Yeah, it may have been funny, but it wasn't befitting of the poem. Remember, your name is crazyandsweet, not crazyandhorny. It just doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem. :P

"You love me like I thought I could never be loved
And would never hurt me in any way not even being shoved"

^ The second line doesn't make sense. I get the message, but only through deciphering it. A quick re-wording should do the trick ;)

Anyway, the rest of the poem is going to get the same responses from me. I think the poem would be better if you cut down on useless words to shorten the lines, and if you fixed up the grammar.

Good job, though!

-J.R.S.P.

My Everything
By: xOx smile like you mean it xOx

I'm here today
And grateful i am,
That I found the guy
Who loves me like no one else can.

My days have been brighter
And my heart's filled with hope.
I have found the guy
Who I know can keep my afloat.

I get lost in his eyes
As he stares back in mine.
And as he's holding me tightly
I'm glad that he's mine.

The feelings I get
They have grown deep inside.
I will not deny them
I won't let them hide.

He's my heart
And he's my wings.
He's my world
Overall, he's my everything.

When he's holding me tight
It's like I'm holding the world.
Just knowing the fact
That I'm his girl.

Ups and downs
Kisses and fights.
No matter what happens
Everything turns out alright.

Sleepless nights
And lonesome days.
No longer do I worry
For those days have gone away.

The moments I spend with him
Are the moments that take my breath away.
All is lost but me and him
And I hope forever he will stay.

He's the guy who changed my life
And who opened up my eyes.
He's the one who stood by me
Whenever I needed to cry.

He taught me how to laugh and smile
And got me to open up inside.
He taught me how to see and feel
And to be honest with myself at all times.

He taught me how it's ok to be myself
That I shouldn't be afraid to hide it.
He said there's no need to impress others
For I am already perfect.

If it wasn't for him
I wouldn't be who I am today.
If it wasn't for him
My skies would still be gray.

His smile is unbelievable
And his hugs are amazing.
When he's holds me tight and smiles
My heart goes crazy.

His kisses are breath-taking
They can sweep me off my feet.
He's the only one
Who can make my knees go weak.

Every touch
And every smile,
Every day and moment
Makes this whole experience worthwhile.

I know it might sound crazy
because I am so young.
But deep down inside
I know he's the one.

The one I want to marry
The one I want to have kids with.
The one I want to wake up next to every morning
The one I want to grow old with.

There are sometimes when I worry
And sometimes I have my doubts.
Because you are so wonderful
Who wouldn't want you for themselves?

I want to be the one
Who helps you in your life.
Who helps keep your head up
When things don't turn out right.

I want to be the one
You wake up to each day to.
Look me in the eyes
And say "Good morning beautiful... I love you."

I love you so much
More than words can describe.
Because of you and all you've done
My heart can now actually fly.

I see you in my future
And I don't want that to change.
It's you that I want
It's you I forever will crave.

You're the greatest thing
That has ever happened to me.
Thank you for all you've done
Thank you for helping me be me.

You're the only one I love
And the only one in my eyes.
I promise you my love forever
Until the day I die.
---------------------------------------------------------

I don't mean to sound unappreciative or anything, but I got bored about halfway through your poem. It was too long for me and just droned on about the same old love story that everyone's talking about all of the time. I mean, it's sweet and all, and it's good that you've found this place where you belong, but it makes a really boring poem.

Stanza 1: I think that if you lengthen lines one through three...or shorten the last line (whatever works for you) this stanza would flow better. The last line is too long and throw it all off.

2: "Who I know can keep my afloat." I assume that the "my should be a "me," considering an "afloat" isn't an object. If, however, these "afloats" do exist, I would like to keep one aswell! :D I kid.

Stanza 3:

"I get lost in his eyes
As he stares back in mine.
And as he's holding me tightly
I'm glad that he's mine"

I think that this stanza would be better if you said:

"I get lost in his eyes,
he stares back in mine.
As he's holding me tightly
I'm glad that he's mine."

I think that way because first of all, it would remove repetition of the word "as," and second of all, it would remove the word "and." I always find that "and" LOVES to put a damper on poetry. Haha.

Stanza 5:

"He's my heart
And he's my wings.
He's my world
Overall, he's my everything"

Again, the last line's a tad too long :)

Stanza 6:

"When he's holding me tight
It's like I'm holding the world.
Just knowing the fact
That I'm his girl."

I think that this stanza would work better if you changed the second line. There's no need for you both to be holding something...is there??

9: "All is lost but me and him." Tsk, I'd change this to remove the usage of the subjects "me" and "him." It's just wrong to say "me and him." Hahaha. :D

Stanza 18: I really disliked this stanza.

"The one I want to marry
The one I want to have kids with.
The one I want to wake up next to every morning
The one I want to grow old with."

It was too casually written...also, I didn't really like the parallel structure (repetition of "the one I wan to...") I didn't find it to be effective at all.

Well, other than that, my dronings will all be the same. I found a lot of lines in this poem that were too long for the rest of the poem...they threw off the flow. I'd say that it'd be in your best interests to re-work them so as you can help your poem's lines be more unified. You dig? Hahaha, "you dig," what a terrible statement.

Anyway, that's all from me.

-J.R.S.P.

~Celestial Red (Villanelle)~
By: Sean Dohr

When I saw you fall from heaven, all my morals fled,
carnal desires flooded my mind, soon we'd be alone.
Erected thoughts that once stood dormant, now became undead.

My concerns with chastity, turned to amorality instead,
sexual verbal libel, brought on an oddly manipulative tone.
When I saw you fall from heaven, all my morals fled.

Bestial avidities were promptly, but passionately bred,
possibilities of platonic relations, were permanently postponed.
Erected thoughts that once stood dormant, now became undead.

As you lied upon my mattress, your legs began to spread,
our intentions were identical, leaving no emotions shown.
When I saw you fall from heaven, all my morals fled.

An angelic experience, from the beginning to the end,
left our names and forgoing histories perpetually unknown.
Erected thoughts that once stood dormant, now became undead.

What you thought as eternal innocence, bled celestial red,
took what was once solely yours, and kept it as my own.
When I saw you fall from heaven, all my morals fled,
erected thoughts that once stood dormant, now became undead.
----------------------------------------------------------

First of all, let me congragulate you on completing a villanelle. I just can't seem to even begin one. Let alone finish it! Second, I love this poem. It's so...so...sexually driven, physically passionate, just...great. I love it!

The imagery is vivid, and very sexy...it is the perfect explicit "love" poem.

"As you lied upon my mattress, your legs began to spread,
our intentions were identical, leaving no emotions shown.
When I saw you fall from heaven, all my morals fled."

^ Favorite line. I love how there is never any intention of something other than a physical relationship here...it's just awesome. You don't usually find poetry like this (that is good), you know?

"Bestial avidities were promptly, but passionately bred,
possibilities of platonic relations, were permanently postponed.
Erected thoughts that once stood dormant, now became undead"

^ Second favorite line.

I'm sorry, but I have nothing to say that is even slightly negative about this poem.

No, I'm serious. I cannot critique it...I can't find anything wrong.

It is just great!

End transmission.

-J.R.S.P.

My Everything..
By: Donna

You are the love in my heart,
the song in my soul,
the answers to my prayers,
the One who makes me whole..

You are the oxygen in my life,
the air that helps me breathe,
the strength to keep me strong,
and the truth that I believe..

You are my warmth when I am cold,
the light that helps me see,
my laughter when I'm sad,
the very best of me..

You are the star in all my dreams,
my logic when I'm wrong,
all my greatest thoughts,
and to whom I do belong..

You are not, just my somebody,
You're my world, my life, my love.
You truely are my everything,
and much more than all above..
-------------------------------------------------------

I'm in a slightly annoying mood now, so I just have to say one thing. When you're going to use ellipses (...'s) always use 3 dots...3! Not 2.

Anyway...

OK, I thought that this poem was cute, but it wasn't magnificent or anything.

It lacked heart, I found...it just seemed like a bunch of words on paper used to tell someone something, but it doesn't seem like those things would blow them away.

I don't know if you capitalized the "One" in the first stanza on purpose, but I thought it was great. It shows the importance of that "one." I don't think many poets do this, but I do. I find it to be quite clever and useful aswell.

"and the truth that I believe.."

^Yep, this line really bothered me. Of course you believe the truth...what else would you believe? I think that you should replace that line with something else...it's kind of pointless.

"my logic when I'm wrong,"

^ So are you saying that this person is missing when you're wrong? You know...when you're wrong, generally your logic is missing. Or maybe you're trying to sya that they help you to fix things after you've done wrong...I don't really know...

In the last stanza, "truely" should be spelled "truly."

Also, I found that the last line of the poem was a terrible ending. I hate it when serious poems refer to other parts of the poem. Just an opinion, though.

The poem was ok, overall, but I just found that it lacked real heart...any sense of real emotion.

Anyway, that's all from me on this one!

-J.R.S.P.

FINALLY FINISHED!

Now, post your poems in my other thread!!

hehehehe I am so happy we have our own opinions of things cause your opinion is one not for me. Not to be rude or anything but I am not going to use any words that are not "real" words in my poems because that would make my poems not true. Now if it was a funny/haha poem then maybe to be silly but not the ones that come from the heart. So, getting that out of the way, I have some comments for you. ;)
Uttermost...indeed is a cute word, no I was not looking for the word utmost, cause uttermost is actually a word that is located in the dictionary ;)
Gloom...people do feel gloom and not just gloomy. Gloomy does not have to be used all the time because if it did then the word gloom would not exist and be available for us to use. I do agree with you in the sense that gloomy would not make sense in that sentence you revised, hence why I used the regular gloom instead. :)
Evident...as far as that comment goes on what is evident and what does the world know? Well since you are so into critiquing and being able to read into it then you should have figured it out by the definition of evident in my opinion but I understand you are not the one being critiqued. ;)
Oh wow and as far as the funniest line ever? Well I would have to say you were just being a smartass or you really haven't had a wide range of poem reading cause I assure you that it is not the funniest line ever. If it was I would be very popular. :)
But if there is one thing I have learned is that I will not enter another one of your contests again cause I don't have the time to sit and critique you on your mistakes. I write my poems from my heart and I don't force anything, so I did take offense to that. That is the only thing I took offense to because that is basically telling me I did not use my true feelings and that is exactly what I did do, just for you to know. Life goes on and we all have our opinions and I do appreciate yours cause I am a very understanding person that deals with other's opinions on a regular basis. ;) :)

"Life goes on and we all have our opinions and I do appreciate yours cause I am a very understanding person that deals with other's opinions on a regular basis."

^
If you appreciated it, then why did you write a complaint the size of Texas and why were you so irked by it? Just because you're understanding doesn't mean that you have to appreciate the things that you understand. Keep in mind, this is a thread where I critique these poems alone, therefore you'll only get one opinion. And knowing me, it'll seem like the opinion of an asshole. If you just read into the rules, you could've avoided this whole thing and saved your own time, you know.

And just for the record, I don't think I've ever heard a person say "I feel so gloom today." It definitely isn't proper. Sorry.

wow....i think that complaint is bigger than texas. lol

^Haha. I know, hey?