P&Q Serious Writing Contest

Lonely Sleeper

With the glow of his soul waning at each moment's breath, he stood alone in front his mirror and muttered aloud,

"I am but a man. How can she, but a woman, wound me so deeply? I must be in love!"

And, with that said, he dragged his body, now cumbersome with feelings of morose and anguish, to his bed. Solitary and confined by the walls of his mind, he lived; solitary and confined by the walls of his room, he slept.

I she he us our your you're like and but I she he us our your you're like and but I she he us our your you're like and but I she he us our your you're like and but I she he us our your you're like and but I she he us our your you're like and but.

Your contest rules are lame. Judge a poem on its merit, not its contents.

Her contest rules ARE NOT lame, excuse me. If you don't like 'em, don't enter. :] Easy as pie.

I will not excuse you.

Your statement is bias. You do not know me, but that does not prove my statement to be false, or unjustified.

Well, her rules are the rules. And if you've got a problem with them... don't enter. :]

The contest is of no concern to myself. I want a critique from a person who seems to be quite serious about reading poetry. That person is the creator of this thread (or so it seems).

umm, im not actuallt gonna enter this contest yet but i just wanted to say that im loving alot of these poems and alot of them are copyrights. i have many poetry books and i've been going through them. is this allowd?

umm, Kaylee, i was wondering if ou would mind checking out any of my poems. im a young writer, im not very good as yet but im reading the comments you are giving to other people and they sound like theyd be really helpful. i didnt want to enter this competition because im not as good as the people that have posted there poems already.
so if ya can, please help me.

mwamwa

love from shae-natasha gilliland

xoxo

So sorry guys. I'll post after school. :) Didn't mean to take so long.

That's alright, Kaylee. :]

I had a small family emergency last night

Awe! Is everything okay?

Yeah everything's fine now ^_^

Defiled

Congo drums rapidly beat
into the hearts of innocent wombs
a mythical warrior's prized sacrifice
the stolen booty of hell's pirates

parted are the legs of the red sea
soldier upon soldier march through
oblivious to the fear of drowning
from so many tears of mourning

for the spirit has died
flooded by perverted filth
eroded by the stench of lust
pillaged with utter brutality

smiles of decay are zippered
hiding a bloodied sword
crumpled, lies the slain victim
breathing venom of tainted beasts

another territory conquered
yet the struggle so fierce
that it took 20 men
to invade a 12 year old girl........

First I want to say that this poem tells of horrors so real yet so ignored even when it happens in our own backyard as well as other countries. This poem still leaves the impression no matter ow many times I read it.

Congo drums rapidly beat
into the hearts of innocent wombs
a mythical warrior's prized sacrifice
the stolen booty of hell's pirates

You set up a strong opening here. Enough sounds to keep the poem real, and metaphors that only increase the horror of your message. I loved the start though of first congo drums and then how you changed it to mythical warriors. ETC.

parted are the legs of the red sea
soldier upon soldier march through
oblivious to the fear of drowning
from so many tears of mourning

You hit the message right there. While first time readers might not know your message until the end of your poem, this part to me feels as if a war zone. Yet not one that takes place on a battlefield of guns but a battlefield on a human being. Your third line shows the true nature of these people and the fourth line the terror experienced from a victim.

for the spirit has died
flooded by perverted filth
eroded by the stench of lust
pillaged with utter brutality

And this is where the metaphors stop and even the most lazy readers can grasp the full truth of your words. THe first line is true as well as the second. The third line chokes the reader into hopefully seeing how terrible these people are while the fourth a slap in the face of reality.

smiles of decay are zippered
hiding a bloodied sword
crumpled, lies the slain victim
breathing venom of tainted beasts

Again with the strong metaphors/reality here. Using words such as bloodied and slain, crumbled and breathing, to get your point across.

another territory conquered
yet the struggle so fierce
that it took 20 men
to invade a 12 year old girl........

The first line may seem like a war but once the reader gets to the final line reality comes seeping in again.

Thank you so much for not asking when I'll be done. I didn't expect so much to come up right not but I prmise results over the weekend.

Regret...

No matter how much you try to let go of things
it always comes back to you
no matter how much you try to forget about the past
you can never move on
its always on the back of your mind
you cry every night
wishing the pain & regret can just leave
But instead it chooses to stay and hurt you deep inside
even though all is forgiven
you still feel the pain
you ask yourself why
as the tears run from your eyes
and find yourself clueless again
looking dumb founded
staring at this girl in the mirror
staring back at you
her eyes full of hatred
and tears full of sorrow
not knowing if theres gonna be another tomorrow

if u dont like it den whatever

Hum, doesn't look like anyone else is posting...

hey well here is one of my best poems!!!

I have this wall you can not see
Because it's deep inside of me
It blocks my heart on every side And helps emotions there to hide
You cant reach in
I cant reach out
You wonder what it's all about

The wall i built you cannot see
Results from insecurity
Each time my tender heart was hurt
The scares with in grew worse and Worse
So stone by stone
I built a wall
Thats now so thick it will not fall

Please understand that it's not you
Continue trying to break through
I want so much to show my self
And love from you will really help

So bit by bit
Chip at my wall
Till stone by stone it starts to fall

I know the process will be slow
It's never easy to let go
Of hurts and failures long ingrained
Upon one heart from years of pain

I'm so afraid to let you in
I know i might get hurt again

I try so hard to break the wall
But it seems to go nowhere at all
For stone upon each stone I've Stacked
And left between them not a crack
The only way
To break the wall is imperfections In the wall

I did the best i could to build
A perfect wall the there are still
A few small flaws witch are the key To breaking the wall to me
Please use each flaw
To cause a crack
To knock a stone off the stack

For just as stone by stone was laid
With every hurt and every pain So stone by stone the wall will break
As love replaces every ache
Please be the one
Who cares enough
To find the flaws no matter what...

I wonder if Kaylee is going to close this soon. I don't mean to hurry her, but it seems that no one else is posting. Oh well, all in good time.

//T.L.//

I closed it a while ago but things came up during the comments and then I got sick yesterday si I'll pick this up when I'm better.

I think I gave you what I have, Kaylee. Lol

Bump... I wonder who wins ((Ponders))

Bump bump

I'll pick this up tonight or tomorrow since I'm feeling better.

Yay!

How weird is that. Me and you both kinda got a little sick (well, I got really sick) at the same time, and now at the same time we're starting to feel better.

That's odd. =/