Natalie's Contest!

lol mine is fun.
Air-Ick-uhhhh....
lol yeah:) ill try a poem...can i reseve erased pain?

Lol, by the way, is it almost done?

Counting the seconds

Come back to me
I'm waiting for you
Counting the seconds
Pacing around my room

It's been to long since you left me
But I'm hoping you'll come back
If you, my love, don't return to me
My light world will turn black

I want you back with me
To be back inside your arms
When you're holding me close
I know I won't come to any harm

Looking deep into your eyes
I'm lost in a sea of blue
But i haven't seen you in so long
Oh, how I miss you

pacing by my window
I hear a noise outside my door
This has happened before, it was never you
But still. I'll look once more

I open up my door
And see you standing there
Your flowing robe, your icy blue eyes
Your long, pale blonde hair

You gather me in your arms
Promising you'll never leave
You've said this before, you always lie
I don't know what to believe

But you hold me against your firm chest
And tell me that you love me
I'll still be counting the seconds
Hoping that you never leave

I'll save you the time, i used to many i's you's my's etc.

Noni: It's no where near done. I can still hardly talk. I can't critique any of these if I can't talk out loud to myself. Once I'm better I'll start critiquing again.

ok, this sucks but i'm having a hard time writing since this incident i wrote about happened. so yeah..sry...

Erased Pain

Seeing you flirt with another girl right there,
Standing right there, gazing at eyes and hair.
Right there asking for a number to call,
I swear, some girls just have it all.

I’m trying to get over you, but the pain won’t erase,
Each time I think I have, but then seeing your face-
Brings back the memories, and I start to cry,
Seeing you guys flirting made me want to…just die.

The pain isn’t erased, and never will be,
Each time the pain worsens, wish to be free.
Love is in the air, but I guess only I breathed it,
Cupid came along, but only I was hit.

I wish life was written in pencil, and could be erased,
But each day new challenges we will be faced.
Erased. All feelings seem to be gone.
Pain. If there were any all along.

~*Who Cares?*~

Interesting Nat...maybe I should practice talking to myself...lol jk

*whisper* Can you whisper?

Lmao!!

I can kinda whisper. But it hurts. lmao.

Aww...you poor baby, did you have some cough drops? The minty part helps.

Injected Poison
by adrian or adrianc1294

vial, filled with crimsoned tears and blood
inserted by a long syringe, slowly devoured in
undressed fully, seeing my body naked
the needle, impatiently, injected within

uncontrollably, my body shakes,
it felt like an earth quake, loud cracking sounds of the lands you could hear
uncleared words, silent lip makes
while toxic bubbles appeared

helplessly fainted, hearing at the edge of a sound, cops blaring, coming forth
to the rescue, they took me to a hospital
but didn't make it, my heart didn't beat anymore
in heaven seeing what happened like a show, and how an injected poison victim became an angel

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vial, filled with crimsoned tears and blood
inserted by a long syringe, slowly devoured in
``````````````````````````````````
I think this poem is alot better now that you've fixed it up. But, I do a some minor suggestions. :] With the second line here.. Maybe re-word it a little, like this: Inserted with a long syringe slowly devoured in. ...Up to you though.
``````````````````````````````````
undressed fully, seeing my body naked
the needle, impatiently, injected within
``````````````````````````````````
Kay, the only real suggestion I have for this part..Is to try and explain a little more about what's going on. Why is the needle being injected? This kinda left me confused. But that could be cause I'm sick too.
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uncontrollably, my body shakes,
it felt like an earth quake, loud cracking sounds of the lands you could hear
uncleared words, silent lip makes
while toxic bubbles appeared
```````````````````````````````````
Your flow breaks up in this stanza, which is sad, considering you had a pretty good flow happening. Try and fix this stanza up and it will be better. I liked the third line alot though, it was good. And I really like how you wrote "While toxic bubbles appeared" it was different, and cool!
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helplessly fainted, hearing at the edge of a sound, cops blaring, coming forth
to the rescue, they took me to a hospital
but didn't make it, my heart didn't beat anymore
in heaven seeing what happened like a show, and how an injected poison victim became an angel
`````````````````````````````````````
Your flow is extremely rocky in this final stanza, aswel. There's alot that I would suggest for this stanza, but for some reason I like it how it is.. In the last line though. You could change it abit, so it looks like this: In heaven seeing what happened like a show, how an injected poisoned victim became an angel. ..All that did was take out the 'and' that wasn't really needed and changed 'poison' to 'poisoned'.
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Overall, it's alot better than what it was at first, and I'm glad that you took the time to try and go through it and fix it up as much as you could. The only MAIN thing I can suggest overall is to work on your flow. Great job!

Natalie``

Breathing Toxic Fumes

She wants to leave her life,
Leave it far away
She is not usually a sad person,
But these feelings are here to stay.

These deadly fumes,
That have become her world,
Have left her sick,
Her happiness became curled.

Every day
The fumes become stronger,
She can hardly take it,
She can go on no longer.

Suicide seems the only option,
As over-head death looms.
She has to take this pain no longer,
As he takes her last breath, of these toxic fumes...
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Jessa!! My wonderful cousin! =D Taha! Mmkay, to the poem.
`````````````````````````````````````
She wants to leave her life,
Leave it far away
She is not usually a sad person,
But these feelings are here to stay.
`````````````````````````````````````
I liked how you opened up the poem. Saying she's not usually like this but suddenly she's just so upset. One thing I can suggest is: Try and go into detail about how things used to be, what kind of person was she? what happened that changed everything so suddenly.
`````````````````````````````````````
These deadly fumes,
That have become her world,
Have left her sick,
Her happiness became curled.
`````````````````````````````````````
I like how you're trying to keep a rhyming scheme in this poem, but I just think your last line was forced. And also, in the third and last line you used the word 'her' so close together, maybe try and re-word one of them.
`````````````````````````````````````
Every day
The fumes become stronger,
She can hardly take it,
She can go on no longer.
`````````````````````````````````````
Every day..... Felt like I was wanting more. Give me morrrrre. :P Tehe. Second line: Become should be became. The last line felt abit..off to me. Maybe change it around abit.. "She can't go on any longer" ..up to you though.
``````````````````````````````````````
Suicide seems the only option,
As over-head death looms.
She has to take this pain no longer,
As he takes her last breath, of these toxic fumes...
``````````````````````````````````````
This is where it gets sad. Suicide is such a bad solution to things.. I don't think I'd even call it a solution. I thought this stanza was alot better than the others, and as for it being the ending stanza it gave the poem alot more strength. Third line though.. Not sure I like it. It's just the way it's worded. Could just be me though. Great ending!
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Overall Jessa. I liked it. It was sad, told a tragic story. But... I know you can do ALOT better. You just need to dig a little deeper into your emotions. Great job!

Natalie``

Two Years To Late..

Where did you go?
Why did you leave..
Did you leave for work...
For another another lover..
I tried to write to you...
a whole year...
365 letters..
Did you get them....
Why didn't you respond..
Did you miss me..
Because I missed you..
I loved you
I gave you everything..
Did you do the same..

I gave up..
I stopped trying to find you..
I became miserable..
Started to cutt...

One day I heard that you died..
From a friend...
I couldn't take it anymore...
I took a knife and stabbed myself till i died...

Now as I look in Heavan..
I found out that you were alive..
I've waited and waited...
But you were To Years To Late..
`````````````````````````````````````
This kinda reminded me of that movie "The Notebook" except it was more of a teenage drepressed version. Hmm.
`````````````````````````````````````
Where did you go?
Why did you leave..
Did you leave for work...
For another another lover..
``````````````````````````````````````
Why did you leave? ...you need the question mark there aswel. Actually scratch that. Last line: For another another lover. I think you messed up. You should have: For another lover? Only have the question mark at the end there, okay?
``````````````````````````````````````
I tried to write to you...
a whole year...
365 letters..
Did you get them....
Why didn't you respond..
``````````````````````````````````````
Second line: Maybe have: For a whole year. ...And you need your question marks again. :]
``````````````````````````````````````
Did you miss me..
Because I missed you..
I loved you
I gave you everything..
Did you do the same..
```````````````````````````````````````
Question marks, Question marks, Question marks. ...I, I, I, I. I think you need to work on this little part here. There's just so many I's.
```````````````````````````````````````
I gave up..
I stopped trying to find you..
I became miserable..
Started to cutt...
```````````````````````````````````````
Cut not cutt. I don't really like this part. It felt..lame in a way. I dunno.
```````````````````````````````````````
One day I heard that you died..
From a friend...
I couldn't take it anymore...
I took a knife and stabbed myself till i died...
```````````````````````````````````````
First three lines I actually liked. They were sad, but no a lame sad. Your last line took all that away. I think you should re-word that.
```````````````````````````````````````
Now as I look in Heavan..
I found out that you were alive..
I've waited and waited...
But you were To Years To Late..
```````````````````````````````````````
Two years too late. Cmon. I even had it in the title. =/
```````````````````````````````````````
Long story cut short. I didn't really like this poem all that much, please don't take that to heart though. The poem tells a tragic story but there was an overuse of I, you, and, etc. I could have disqualified it, but I didn't. It didn't really touch me... the sadness in the poem.. I thought you could go ALOT deeper and get rid of all the cutting stuff. It's okay sometimes to write about cutting, but I didn't like it the way you've got it. I'm sorry. Keep writing though. It was still good!

Natalie``

This should end soon, shouldn't it?

Also, does a Senryu ryhme?

Yeah. Soonish. I still need to critique a couple and there's a few that need to be done.

And a Senryu doesn't rhyme. :]

oh i tried my best to make my poem better...i hope it's good! and i put a new stanza to explain why they put a poison in the syringe just liked you asked. i followed your suggestions for how to make it much better.....so, yea, i made it alredy! :) he he he he just wanted to let you kno!

Awh! I feel like a proud parent, tehe. But that's awesome! I'm happy that you took my advice on it. :P

Counting the seconds

Come back to me
I'm waiting for you
Counting the seconds
Pacing around my room

It's been to long since you left me
But I know you will come back
If you, my love, don't return to me
My light world will go black

I want you back with me
To be back inside your arms
When you hold me close
I know I won't come to any harm

Looking deep into your eyes
I'm lost in a sea of blue
But i haven't seen you in so long
Oh, how I miss you

pacing by my window
I hear a noise outside my door
This has happened before, it was never you
But still. I'll look once more

I open up my door
And see you standing there
Your flowing robe, your icy blue eyes
Your long, pale blonde hair

You gather me in your arms
Promising you'll never leave
You've said this before, you always lie
I don't know what to believe

But you hold me against your chest
And tell me that you love me
I'll still be counting the seconds
Hoping that you never leave
``````````````````````````````````````
This was a really sad poem, but had a happy touch to it. And I liked it, tehe.
``````````````````````````````````````
Come back to me
I'm waiting for you
Counting the seconds
Pacing around my room
``````````````````````````````````````
This was a good opening stanza. The last line gave me some good imagery too.
``````````````````````````````````````
It's been to long since you left me
But I know you will come back
If you, my love, don't return to me
My light world will go black
``````````````````````````````````````
First line: If you wanted to take out the 'me' you could, cause it's not really needed there. Second line: I don't think you should say that you know he'll come back.. cause towards the end of the poem it seems like you can't believe him anymore. So you could change this line to: But I"m hoping you'll come back. Last line: You could change 'go' to 'turn'.
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I want you back with me
To be back inside your arms
When you hold me close
I know I won't come to any harm
```````````````````````````````````````
I liked these lines. They just show that when you're with this person you feel really safe, and when they're gone.. you feel alone and down and stuff. Second line: You could take out 'back'. Third line: You could have: When you're holding me close. ..Up to you though.
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Looking deep into your eyes
I'm lost in a sea of blue
But i haven't seen you in so long
Oh, how I miss you
````````````````````````````````````````
These lines were good.
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pacing by my window
I hear a noise outside my door
This has happened before, it was never you
But still. I'll look once more
`````````````````````````````````````````
These lines gave some more imagery, which was good. Second line: You could change 'I hear' to 'Hearing'.
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I open up my door
And see you standing there
Your flowing robe, your icy blue eyes
Your long, pale blonde hair
`````````````````````````````````````````
Very nice imagery again. Loved these lines. I don't have any suggestions. :]
`````````````````````````````````````````
You gather me in your arms
Promising you'll never leave
You've said this before, you always lie
I don't know what to believe
````````````````````````````````````````
These lines gave the poem a touch of confusion, as if the person just doesn't really know what to do cause they don't know wether to believe that they'll stay this time or not.
````````````````````````````````````````
But you hold me against your chest
And tell me that you love me
I'll still be counting the seconds
Hoping that you never leave
````````````````````````````````````````
Very good ending. You could change the first line to: You hold me against your firm chest. Up to you though.
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Overall, it was good. Like you said, you did have alot of I's etc. But to be honest, it worked well with your poem, by taking them all out or re-wording them too much would ruin it in my opinion. Great job!

Natalie``

i made a few changes, not many. i think i just made 3 or 4 changes. thanks for the advice

*edit out*

Lol.. Keeki. Where have you beeen? I havn't talked to you in a long time, tehe.

lol where have I been?

Yess!! Where have you been? Lol..

Argh! I never get to talk to anyone now.. It sucks. Lol..

We should finally do that collab lol

It's a collaberation (sp?)

Where we both write a poem together. Lol

..laala i wanna hear what i did wrong:P im patient tho. im so bored

Lol I'm sorry. =P I'll do yours today. Tehe.

haha. shush Jessa! I've been really busy. :P

It's my sisters wedding and stuff soon. lol

Sorry everyone :[

lol u kno what i been seeing ppl put Ily lately..u kno i had to ASK my friend what that meant. i thought it was just some random word..lol i was so embarrased when she told me-.-

Hmm... when is the judging?

--Sher

The judging will be in about a week. It's my sisters wedding tomorrow, so I've had alot of family visiting which I havn't seen, and I've been trying to spend some time with them while I can. Sorry everyone for the long wait, I didn't think it was going to be this long.

Ooops can I still enter. Nats.

-keeki lol

Of corse you can, Keeki. =P

Erased Pain

Seeing you flirt with another girl right there,
Standing right there, gazing at eyes and hair.
Right there asking for a number to call,
I swear, some girls just have it all.

I’m trying to get over you, but the pain won’t erase,
Each time I think I have, but then seeing your face-
Brings back the memories, and I start to cry,
Seeing you guys flirting made me want to…just die.

The pain isn’t erased, and never will be,
Each time the pain worsens, wish to be free.
Love is in the air, but I guess only I breathed it,
Cupid came along, but only I was hit.

I wish life was written in pencil, and could be erased,
But each day new challenges we will be faced.
Erased. All feelings seem to be gone.
Pain. If there were any all along.
`````````````````````````````````````````````
Seeing you flirt with another girl right there,
Standing right there, gazing at eyes and hair.
Right there asking for a number to call,
I swear, some girls just have it all.
``````````````````````````````````````````````
Having the words "right there" constantly kinda threw it off a little to me. I did like this stanza, especially the last line. I'd only sugest to re-word this stanza a tiny bit just to get away from repeating 'right there' so much.
``````````````````````````````````````````````
I’m trying to get over you, but the pain won’t erase,
Each time I think I have, but then seeing your face-
Brings back the memories, and I start to cry,
Seeing you guys flirting made me want to…just die.
```````````````````````````````````````````````
First line was great to me. I liked it alot. Second line-- I think you could take out the 'but then' ..it sounds better without it. Third line: Very sad. Last line: I didn't really like it.. "you guys" ..that didn't work for me.. and "just die" ..I dunno. I just didn't like this part all too much. Sorry.
````````````````````````````````````````````````
The pain isn’t erased, and never will be,
Each time the pain worsens, wish to be free.
Love is in the air, but I guess only I breathed it,
Cupid came along, but only I was hit.
````````````````````````````````````````````````
I really liked the last two lines in this stanza, very different and cool.
````````````````````````````````````````````````
I wish life was written in pencil, and could be erased,
But each day new challenges we will be faced.
Erased. All feelings seem to be gone.
Pain. If there were any all along.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````
First line: You don't need the comma.. unless you change it like this: I wish life was written in pencil, could be erased. Second line: Very true. There will always be new challenges to face each day. Last two lines: I liked how you set this part out. Very nice.
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Overall, it was good. You could go a little deeper with your emotions, I thought this poem was only scratching the surface. Great job!

Natalie``

Ok. Kaylee.. Or should I say Keeki. Once you've put your poem in, I'll do it and then post the people who have to write something for the next part. :]

Haha. ;P

I've been busy, and a little lazy. Tehe. But it's done now.. Just waiting for Keeki to put her poem in, I know she's done it, cause I've read it... but yesh.

Mmkay. I havn't talked to Keeki for abit. So I don't know how long she's going to take untill she posts her poem in here, too.

This is closed now. I'll post who's going to the next contest soon. :]