HONEST Critiques (Read before conclusions)

Q: Is it a contest?
A: not really, but I'll r/c at least 1 poem for everyone, more if their poem really impresses me.

Q: What makes you qualified to judge our poems?
A: Nothing, except experience and a lot of reading, mainly it's just my opinions.

Q: How many can we enter?
A: For now...1

Q: Any rules?
A: No explicit poems, no cussing, the usual.

YOU do NOT have TO post A POEM here BUT you MAY. OR YOU CAN SIMPLY TELL ME THE NAME. IF IT DESERVES A 5, I WILL RATE IT.

Got More questions? just ask me.

CLOSED FOR NOW******

''Crying Wine''

Under the Pale Moonlight

"My life changed
in just one flash,
my world came
down in a terrible crash."

The words that you
said are all I feel,
leaves a open wound
that can never heal.

I want you to know
my love still remains,
even though you put
me through this pain.

I need you to know
your all I dream of,
and all I have left
is my undying love.

So I think back to
that wonderful night,
when we danced under
the pale moonlight.

I cant wait to see
your lovely smile,
until then i'll sit
and daydream awhile.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Overall, your flow is good, but here is my "mean" critique.
This love poem isn't really that original, it's theme and the way you describe this emotion is common. Also you don't seem to relate it to the title much. You could change that by expanding your vocab and being more description. Try to write this feeling down without using "fill words" This may change the length of your stanza too.

You could start out like,

My once solid life
topple in a flash,
A world of barren dreams
down in a terrible crash."

Pile of words you said
Consume all I feel,
Leaving an open wound
Unwanting to heal

How Do You Want To Die?

thank you.

//T.L.//

'Till Poetry Could Stand

CRYING WINE

You're depressed, and you're drunk.
You've had too much wine.
You think a few more drinks will do,
and that you'll be fine.

You're weak, and you're dizzy,
and you almost want to cry.
you call her, she's busy,
but you had to try.

You're tired, from all the alcohol,
and you wonder why you live.
You stumble and fall,
what else is there to give?

You begin to close your eyes,
with one last tear.
You've had so many tries,
but now death is near.

She calls you back,
but it's already over.
She starts to worry,
your way beyond sober.

She knocks on your door, and knows there's trouble.
and finds you on your bed.
She starts to cry as she picked up a bottle,
because she realizes that your dead.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Good points: Unique topic, clear understandable "plot".

Improvements: Your flow was choppy, it also felt you used "you, you're" too much. It's not wrong to use it, but if you do, expand other words and description.
(You're was misspelled in a certain spot)

You've got raw emotions and material, now just organize it more, put my intensity and imagery into it. The last stanza was a bit different than the others, it had an extra line. Also it seemed that after the first stanza, you changed the rhyme scheme.

Try with:

Depressed till you're drunk
Your soul drowned in wine
Wanting a few more drinks
Thinking you'll be fine

Weak and so dizzy,
you almost want to cry.
you call her, she's busy,
but you just had to try.

i'm not sure if it's good, but i want to know your opinions and how to make my poems better..
oh and it has a little tiny cuss.....but not the f word, if the cussing was really bad well watever...

NEVER!
I stumble down the hill
just like Jack and Jill

i had a great fall
just like Humpty Dumpty, who sat on a bricked wall

stumble, fall, pieces all over
bruises, cuts, i try to cover

my heart full of it
full of memories how you and i treated each other like sh!t

i know you still hate me
you just forgave my sorry

but not the whole sins i did
hungry devils, my heart, my soul, my spirit, i feed

there's nothing else i can do
feelings for you still fresh, still true

why i ask myself?
for loving you by itself

no control over, i know we're done
why can't i just hide, go away, or at least run?

never see you everyday
never hear things you say

never talk to you again
never let us be friends

i don't want you in my life
you'll just make me think about the knife

there's nothing you give me, not even attention
but making me look helplessly, and always in depression

nothing gets your eyeful attention
no answer you give me, when i ask a simple question

i don't even know why i fell in love with you
what did i see? for the price to pay, i get hurtful things you do

so many guys i liked, so cute, and nice, too
but why did i, why did i pick you?

i still love you, but i know we're not meant to be
and that's what really hurts me, hurts me so badly

Do you want to fall,
Slipping silently over space,
For a precious moment contained in eternity,
Then pushed down,
Even further than the ground,
To a pit of darkness so deep,
You will never climb out.

Would you prefer to die in your bed,
After your last words have been said,
To all you hold beloved,
Who watch you as you sleep,
And as you are finally dead.

Or to push another being,
Away from a fatal blow,
To take it yourself,
And die a hero.

There are many ways to die,
And there are many people who have fallen,
Or bled.
This is my question.
How do you want to die?

And my answer is;
Not yet.

----------------------------------------------------------
Good points: Very creative write and form. Every line was unique and deep. The ending was a great ttwist.
Improvements: I must admit you did quite well, even though this isn't my usual style.
I'm not sure if you wanted this poem to be freestyle, or a certain rhyming poem. I did find some rhymes, the the scheme wasn't consistant.
As of minor advices, you can work on the flow.

I've held our future in yesterday's gaze
Tempest bitten on tomorrow's tongue
Unfolded mane of autumn strands lay cut
'Till wooden floorboards scattered red hair

Written mirrored darkness in present ink
Leaf dwelled with opposing movement
Tattered within center where entities thrived
'Till phantom hands created music on skin

I've trembled near water licking my wound
Our fate inscribed stars divided two halves
Of the former poetess that drowned with a
Rapist touch 'till poetry reborn could stand

-----------------------------------------------------------
Aww..yes, I just read this today, it simply blew me away..(it takes a lot to get me interested too)

You set a good example of revealing emotions without refering to yourself and others over and over again. Great descriptions with a hint of grace as I've said in my other comment

Improvements: There isn't much, except that some areas is a bit confusing...maybe too abstract for most readers.

NEVER!
I stumble down the hill
just like Jack and Jill

i had a great fall
just like Humpty Dumpty, who sat on a bricked wall

stumble, fall, pieces all over
bruises, cuts, i try to cover

my heart full of it
full of memories how you and i treated each other like sh!t

i know you still hate me
you just forgave my sorry

but not the whole sins i did
hungry devils, my heart, my soul, my spirit, i feed

there's nothing else i can do
feelings for you still fresh, still true

why i ask myself?
for loving you by itself

no control over, i know we're done
why can't i just hide, go away, or at least run?

never see you everyday
never hear things you say

never talk to you again
never let us be friends

i don't want you in my life
you'll just make me think about the knife

there's nothing you give me, not even attention
but making me look helplessly, and always in depression

nothing gets your eyeful attention
no answer you give me, when i ask a simple question

i don't even know why i fell in love with you
what did i see? for the price to pay, i get hurtful things you do

so many guys i liked, so cute, and nice, too
but why did i, why did i pick you?

i still love you, but i know we're not meant to be
and that's what really hurts me, hurts me so badly

------------------------------------------------------------
Good: Raw emotions are always good. You had pretty good flow till around the middle.

Improvements: You started out pretty normal, average, than when you suddenly refered to yourself, the twist was too sudden and unorganized.
Like I said, raw emotions are good, but to make them better...organization. You also have several grammer problems and missing "words" Also, just to be picky, capitalize first words.."I" and so on, trust me, it helps readers. Also, you started adding to much "fill" words. Add more imagery.

~Insecurity~

thankz for correcting.............trying hard to make it the best..................... yes i suck at grammars!!!!!!!! ha ha ha LOL........i'm happy to hear someone's opinion...(an honest one) hmmmm.......i'll try to make it better....thankz!

can u put more poems to correct or say opinions to them?????? if so, can u JUDGE or watever, my poem "open up to me" and/or browse through my other poems?

"Gods' Will" thanks =)

Blurry visions surrounded by a blackened room.
Imperceptible voices surround my thoughts.
The thoughts go unheard, filled with gloom.
He's done it once again, Fed me toxic words.

Poisoned Me........................{With his deciet}.

Those toxic lips of his releasing conspicuous lies.
[I see through those ones he tries persistently to hide].
Looking at me with those venomous silver eyes.
Cascading crimson blood with every lie he speaks.

Poisoned Me........................{With his deceit}.

Blackened eyes, broken soul, falling to pieces.
Unheard screams, silent cries, fading memories.
Darkened pain and sadness increases.
Demolished pictures, ripped and torn.

Poisoned Me........................{With his deceit}.

Bottled up emotions wanting to come out.
Telling him exactly my misery and how I feel.
Open my mouth going unheard, not a shout.
Boxed up in a closed room, hard to breathe.

Poisoned Me........................{With his deceit}.

Going insane, Not in the right state of mind.
Flashbacks of me and him, pain and hurt.
Dizziness, bitterness, anger, vexation, blind.
With his words, He poisoned me, my soul.

Poisoned Me........................{With his deceit}.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Good: Great descriptions and imagery. Very nice topic

Improvements: You have a couple mispelled words. Also, even this poem has intense imagery and vocab, it seemed to lack real emotion.

"those ones " there seem to be something odd about the grammer.

Pretty good.

I remember a time
when I wore my skin
on the outside
of my clothes;
soft,
delicate,
and revealing
like a fragrant rose
just waiting
to be deflowered
by any man
who'd stop and smell
the aroma of suggestion

My thighs were two weapons
of golden seduction,
cocked and ready to attract
all the single seeds
hungry for a candied soil
to root their sweaty veins

I was confident,
sexy,
and mysteriously me
without knowing who I
really was,
my tongue lacked matter
instead it wrapped itself around
cold hearted vanity
and flapped around
like a fish out of water
dying to breathe
for anyone
(other than)
the thorny rose
of a self destructing,
man hunting,
leafless flower petal
that forgot to love,
(especially herself)

----------------------------------------------------------------
Good: Very good free-styled poem. As long as there's good descriptions and feelings, rhymes aren't necessary.

Improvements: Not much, just the basic capitalize the first letter of each line. Beautiful descriptions, very elegent writing.

It's coming.

My Guardian Angel please

Children Abuse {CinqTroisDecaLa Rhyme}

Please. =]

xDarkSuicidex

The End is Here

Fires burning, bombs blasting away,
The final night, no sight of day.
Don't be sad, please don't cry,
The end is here, say goodbye.

Lightning flashing, thunder booms.
Tonight all will face their dooms.
The war going on will take control,
Years of fighting will take its toll.

R.I.P. soldiers who've lost their lives,
Send my regards to their wives.
I go off tonight to become a hero,
I will lose my life on ground zero.

Goodbye darling I'll miss you so,
If I don't return, what to do you know.
One final kiss and off we fly,
The end is here, say goodbye

On the war ground beside my friends,
As bombs and bullets the enemies send.
Shot in the heart, one final breath,
This is the end, I've faced my death.

~*Who Cares?*~

"The River Side"
Thank you =)

Could you please look at :

`Flowing Blood [Diatelle]

Thankss hunny xx

Gods' Will-

The bombs of yesterday, pulsing in my ears,
the mechanical soldiers of today, going away for years.
Lives on the line, deaths all around,
slipping in and out of bombs, implanted in the ground.

Cities up in smoke, children fleeing from the empty streets,
warcrafts armed and ready, gathering in fleets.
With a gun slung over his arm, he wipes the sweat off of his brow,
lowers his head in misery, remembering his vow.

Fighting for his country, a man of honor,
tears falling down, encrusting to his armor.
He gets down on his knees, prays to the almighty lord,
and as he said "Amen", the skies heavily roared.

Planes falling from every which way he turned,
pilots up in smoke, falling as they burned.
Lives are ending, hearts are slain,
and he remembered his words so vain.

He told his wife and kids he'd return again someday,
and now for his family, he did pray.
he sprints across the field, running for his life,
and at the bang, all he heard was the voice of his wife.

She told him she loved him, and she would see him again,
But the only place she saw him was the news on channel ten.
Her eyes shot open, her heart skipped a beat,
her husband had just died in defeat.

She took the kids to her sisters, told her to take care of them for a while,
kissed them all good-bye with but one last smile.
She went home and layed upon her bed,
took her husbands' gun, and put it to her head.

The tears rolled down, as her eyes shut tight,
and she knew in no time that everything would be alright.
For thy heavenly father, in all of his grace,
will rejoin the lovers, with a smile on his face.

And written in blood, was her good-bye,
to her children who could see her in the sky.
Heaven gained another angel today, one by the name of Jill,
and it all came together, with the help of Gods' will.

------------------------------------------------------------Good: Interesting,, this is one of those poems that has some sort of storyline to it. I liked your descriptions and the emotions were very strong.

Improvements: Because I always pick on the flow, whether it's you or myself, I must say that several of your lines need to have an extra word to make it connect-flow better. Your first stanza was good on this subject.

"With a gun slung over his arm, he wipes the sweat off of his brow,
lowers his head in misery, remembering his vow."

^ It feels like you need something before the word "vow" That's one spot.

The other suggestion I want to give has to do with the concept. I know this is in the life section, but even though it talks about the consequences of war and ends up having a happy poem. It seems to be also saying that suicide is the answer, that you should just forget about the family.

^Just a thought.

Come In, Stranger

Thanks alot:)

Thanks for the critique. I will add something to the vow line. It's not saying suicide is the answer, he prayed to be with his family one last time, that's what he prayed for before he ran across the battlefield. And he got killed, and so the Mother killed herself to be with him. Gods' Will, it was for a discussion forum so it had to have Gods' Will somewhere in there lol. But yeah, thanks again ! =)

"When Smiles Collide"

At Sunrise

It's Coming

It is coming to get you all.
He says
Only I can stop it.
It will take you all up
In something so ugly,
Something so horrible.
I half to stop it.
I have to send it back
To the bottomless put
From which it came.
No one will see it or hear it but me.
I don’t know
Why this is happening to me
Or why time is moving so fast.
But I’m the only one that can make this all right.
And only because He chose me
To help him destroy this world.
But this is where it stops.
This is where I say it’s voice
Can no longer control my thoughts.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Good: Great topic and interesting thoughts.

Improvements: I find this poem somewhat confusing. Your lines are understandable, but it doesn't flow into the next line...or relate to it. You can describe more of who "he" is and what is happening. The way to make non-rhyme poems work is to use less "fill" words and more "flowery words" and imagery. Also, the flow was kinda choppy. The ending was abrupt and didn't create the strength it needs.
Check your spelling again

Try this(though I don't know if this has to do with your topic.

Hunting down all you worthless souls
This maleviolent voice rumbles
Only I, able to wield the strength
To encage it's wild conspiracy

^-^keep writing!

Not to be rude or anything, but that is how I wanted it a mystery.. It's a hiding meaning which is what I think most poetry is. It's kind of like supernatural. And the he is someone I don't even know I voice in my head that I know is a guy voice.

Thank tho!!
-Rach

Thank you for saying that with respect^-^(yes, I value that). I understand you want mystery, that's what makes it interesting, but there's a limit to how *mysterious* it can be before it becomes just "lines".

But the main thing is just to work on the flow and be more descriptive (while still keeping some things hidden)^-^

Thanks

hmmmmmm....... Do either..

I Never Stopped Loving You
or
Silent Death
or
Two Years Too Late...

chose any...thx..

The Door of Insanity

Please!!!!

Lol, Trying trying.

CLOSED FOR NOW!! TILL I CATCH UP!

A Punk

A punk tried to take my i-pod
When I had it with me in class
But he got booted far away
Yep, I kicked him in his ass

A punk tried to steal my phone
When I had it by the pool
But he didn't notice my black belt
And was beaten like a fool

A pimpled-punk tried to steal my bag
As I waited for the bus
But I held a pin to his face
He was blinded by his puss

A punk once tried to take my empty mug
When I was seated at a cafe
But he now lies six feet under
And there he is to stay
--------------------------------------------------------------
Lol that is one funny poem. I must say there isn't much I can critique on this funny styled poem. It's very clear, organized and has flow. I enjoyed it.
THough the ending could have been better in way, it just took a big jump.

My Guardian Angel

I stand here protected, as one guarded child.
I sit alone safely, where nothing is wild.
Never been in danger, never in harm's way.
and all of life's challenges, waited at bay.

i have always been happy, for I've never felt pain.
my angel stands by me through sun snow and rain.
she is always smiling. and a smile she receives.
she tricks enemies away, or is it me she deceives?

I have always been guarded, and so never in fear.
and I stay locked up always, year after year.
have not seen a human, for she said they are bad
and even though i am healthy, i remain sad.

have i been missing out, is there much more to life,
could i someday have children and maybe a wife?
I must see it for myself, no longer can i wait.
i must be fragile, for fear is a human trait.

i wanted the experience, yet she locked me in.
i tried to run away, but she will always win.
I'm stuck here forever, i cry through the night.
and for the first time ever, i am feeling fright.

so long's gone by now, i still am stuck here.
i now cry every night, for real life is so near.
but here i shall stay, until my final breath.
so is she My Guardian Angel, or my Angel of Death.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Excellent poem, great rhythm and theme.
The last stanza's flow seems to be a little different than the others. Also the first line doesn't make sense, you could reword it.

Most of the time I don't like poems that uses "I" too much. But you applied that technique well. The other things you can do is basic check over capitalizations and commas..etc. Keep it up

" My Life At Eight "

Thanks :)

The struggles

hehe is it almost my turn? no rush just wonderin

Lol, I'm so busy, i'm lucky to get to 3 on weekends

"She Wishes"
*I just thought this would make it easier on you..*

She is in pain
Because he is gone.
Little does everyone know
It's a fake smile she puts on.

If you look deep inside
You see she cries.
But these are tears of blood
That don't come from her eyes.

She cuts her wrist
To get rid of her pain.
But she hides the scars
Knowing her family would be ashamed.

She hates herself
She hates her life.
She hates everything in the world
Except for her knife.

She wishes she was dead
Cause nothing in her life is right.
She has tried so hard
But hasn't won her fight.

She's finally had it
She cuts the area which holds her head.
Now she can be happy
Because now she is dead.