Believing?

My life hasn’t been THAT hard, parents have always been divorced and never got along, I was a social out cast until 7th grade, desperate for attention, feeling like a burden at that point, getting kicked out of what ever group I tried to fit into to, and then feeling safe in 8th grade, with one good friend who I felt still couldn’t understand me, and a group that accepted me enough to let me share their table… And then I moved, feeling I wasted 8 years of my life (I was held back one grade), just then getting friends, and then moving away from them all, 8 years of earning my place just to have it snatched away. But my new school surprised me. Another guy talked to me the other day and helped me realize why I can’t believe in what’s going on right now.

The school is too perfect. It’s small, it’s friendly, very friendly, people hug after knowing each other for less then two days friendly, everyone’s nice, my classes aren’t hard, the teachers are nice and helpful, the kids are kool and mostly understanding, no one seems to snob anyone, every one accepts everything, and it’s just too perfect. This has been the funniest week of my life, I even got a BF, and I can’t believe it’s going to continue like this. Can some one really have a constant life like this? All laughs and smiles?

Can the bad things in my life really stay far away like this, can I forget I miss people, my mom, the friends I didn’t keep in touch with, the friends I lost due to school politics and everyone else from my ‘old life’? Can I forget that there’s constantly an ugly custody battle going on, can I ignore my brother’s teasing, household fights, silence, and screams? Is it possible that life can be this good?

It’s happened a few times now. I’ve been extremely happy, and then my mood just switches to hopeless, sad, trapped, and confused. I’ve been fine, laughing and smiling, and then I suddenly un-triggered, I feel like crying. I spend plenty of time trying to convince myself that it’s all fine, that nothing bad is going to happen, that I don’t have any disorders, that everyone’s safe, that I’m good and always will be… But I keep on falling back to what ifs and not being able to stand up, force myself to move on. I miss the point of trying, and it comes back to me later.

Happy to hopeless in ten seconds… How do I convince myself that this is real, that hopeless doesn’t exists?

Stay optimistic. Live for the moment, not for the future. Then hopefully you'll have the strength to tackle problems if they do come at you.

i agree... live in the moment.... and if the moment sux... figure it out... rationally... and move on... adn live in that moment... look at everything onthe earth as beautiful... bc it is... If your pissed off.. stare at the sun... or climb up a tree... and feel the wind on ur cheek... Or listen to jack johnson because haha i don't no how u can't smile when you listen to him... Life is beautiful.. realize you only have one shot... and make it meaningful...

yeah, but to do that, sometimes I feel like I'd need to just wipe my whole memory clean. forget everything I know about my past. my family. about everything I fear that I could be. and just be...the person I always dreamed I could. but I never really knew who that was. I just have some vague ideas here and there.

Believing involves a leap of faith that looks beyond certainties. Not by blind mimicry, but exercise of reason and free will.

I don't know how close I am to believing in anything yet. There's room for me, and most of the people I know, and a belief in a greater picture beyond our own.

Thank you, exspecailly you Madness. It's hard to forget about most of your life, after all I did have some of the good/bad treats follow me. I'll just have to continue trying not to think. I just wish me doubting didn't happen so sudden and unexspectedly. It's hard for me to change my mind set when I start thinking like that.

Sorry for the awkward spaces that may be here. I'm using a messed up keyboard.

I know what it's like i get the same thing.
You have a past life and a preasant one .
The past life was bad and sad and lonely,
now your at a new schooland everything gets whiped from under you but you suddenly find yourself in a new situation. suddenly you have friends and your happy but deep inside you cant forget what was going on before.
sibblings that seem like they hate you and do all they can to push you over the edge, divorced parents, no friends.
I know EXACTLY how you feel, becouse belive it or not iv'e been through pritty much the same junk as you.
I know how it feels to be rjected by every aspect of your life and for suddenly everything to be alright.
And i know what your going through now, you'll be sat all happy and fine with your mates being loud and happy and fine, and you'll just give up trying for some reason.
Suddenly you want nothing to do with any one and you just want to be alone and you feel like you want to cry but you cant, and then you try and struggle on and smile anyway and the second anyone asks if your ok you say your fine, it's like an automated responce. and you smile and play the part. I have exactly the same problem.
So i have a book.
A large book with sugar paper in and everytime i get like this i write. exactly how i feel. not just a poem but i write everything i would say and do at that point if i could. and it helps.
I tend to be the agony aunt of all my friends. i listen and try to give advice if i can. this also helps.
I would also be willing to do the same for you.
my private email is activated so let me know.
if you don't want an agony aunt send me an email anyway and we can be friends!
after all no one is so rich they can turn down a friend.
hope to here from you soon.
saraphene
x x x x x x

Right Saraphene.

I might send you a message if I can motivate myself enough. I'm starting to miss my mother more, and people are talking bad about my BF so that's getting me down, plus I have a cold and no energy... I can barely think straight at the moment.

Thanks for replying.