Don't Know What To Do

Hi, im toni n im 16. I just, really dont know what to do anymore :-( i dont know how i can sum up all the stuff recently, so i'll try n put it shortly. Iv had depression n M.E for 3 years, altho i've bin suicidal 4 longer than i can remember. Iv had 4 suicide attempts, 2 of which ended up in hospital, im not proud of it, but thats how low ive felt. I've been thru a psycologist n a psychiatrist and im now on the 2nd psychiatrist. U are all probably thinking im a nutter by now. I had a bad experience when i was 13 involvin a guy, n my family life has been a bit..disjointed. Im bulimic n self harm so basicaly..yeah,
Neway last year i had to give up school cos of how poorly i was, i wasnt able to do my gcse's. in the summer holz i wosnt exactly brill but i waz improvin, n so i forced myself bak to skool in september cos i want to do my A levels, n for once, be like every1 else and nt stuck at home in bed. Also cos then my mum wud b able to carry on wit her work, wich she had stopped becos of me. The first week bak was ok but now im so tired i can't move :-(
my psychiatrist thnks im not well enuf to be back at school, but iv bin perservering. bt since last week iv felt so suicidal again n now im stuck in a rut. my parents r goin thru hell again cos of me, im so behind on school work, i keep pushn my bf away and i dont know why, i find myself relli tempted to take tablets agen, n im so scared, im so scared cos i feel like im losin control over myself, and that i mite take summat without me wantin to. i dont think i wanna die, im past that now.
My parents keep hintin that i shud quit skool now n take a year out, but then i think i wud feel worse cos i wudda felt like i had failed and go bak to my old ways, if u get me.yet the longer i stay in school the more poorly i get n now im so behind with work.I think if i went bak next year insted it wud be so much harder.And at the same time theres all this suicidal stuff goin on n self harmin :-( im so confused i dont kno where to start. I've tried so hard to pick myself up n carry on n forget the whole obsession wiv dying. but it all seems to catch up with me n now im stuck in this rut not knowing where to turn or what to do.
i tried to tell my psychiatrist how suicidal i felt on tuesday wen i saw him, but its like the depression is stoppin me askin for help. and last time i told him how bad i felt he tried to put me in hospital.
i dont know what to do :-( there seems to be a double blow either way i turn!

please please help if u can, feeling so desperate :-(

Toni xx

wow! i am so sorry! if you ever wanna talk email me! i was anerexic for 2 years and suacuidel for a year and depressed for 3......wow....