Play the Game

I have an interesting topic here.

I recently met a young lady to whom I found myself attracted. I asked her out and she seemed interested in myself also. After a few dates I decided to be honest and asked her if she saw anything in our immediate future. She told me she was surprised by the question, even flattered, and left it at that.

Could women possibly be scared of honesty? (Rhetorical question)

I believe asking the question shunned her away. Could the fact that I didn't 'beat around the bush' make me less attractive?

Women and their complex minds.

Speaking of complex minds are you sure that you're only 17. You seem very complex to live in Utah. I have a feeling if you are dating any woman or 'young lady' that is any, what's the word I'm looking for, less mature I guess. That's not the word I'm looking for but you understand what I'm trying to say. If you do date someone like that then just the way you word things may scare them for they don't understand exactly what you mean. To anyone on your level it would definatly not make you 'less attractive'.

She probably thought you were trying to push commitment on her, even if that's not what you were doing.

That tends to throw people off, especially if they aren't expecting it. I doubt she is less attracted to you because of it, probably just surprised.

That's just a thought though, because I know that's how I would have felt.

well... i no i am afraid of honesty at some points.. and my bf always pushes me about that...
every 'woman' is differnt. but i agree with silence.

Recently I guy did something similar to me.
We met, chatted on the internet over msn, and suddenly he says that he really likes me, wants to see me... does he think that we could ever "be anything" together. Which is flattering, but, whoa, really, take it easy, is what comes to mind.
The reason that I acted that way with his was because it was WAY too soon to know what my feelings where and if we belonged together. It's not as simple as "oh, yeah, we belong together" because it's usually too soon to know.

I say give her time. Sometimes girls are scared away, even if they are flattered initially, be boys that act too suddenly, and want to know how you feel about them even if, technically, you hardly know them.

Well, those are my thoughts on the matter.

//T.L.//

The fact that you have a feeling that the question "shunned her away" could mean you actually did. if not for the bad feeling, i'd say she was simply surprised and unsure of how to respond...I'm neutral. It's hard to say whether she is interested or not. Can you give some more details?

It depends on how you worded it. Maybe she just wasn't thinking as far ahead as you were and got nervous about it all. Maybe beating around the bush would've been the better thing to do. But every person is different.

Me, personally, too much honestly scares me, if it happens too soon. If I've known the guy for a while then it won't but if I've only known him a short time it does.

First, I thank all of you for your comments, and Silence for the flattery. (Yes, I am only 17.. sadly)

I do normally date college girls. I find their intelligence level more attractive. This girl happened to be younger than me.

Second, I wasn't asking her for commitment, just what she saw in the future. That's why I was confused. I think she misunderstood my intentions.

I have just come out of an amazing relationship and find myself lacking the stamina to 'play the flirting game'. Maybe it is a little too early to date when you find yourself satisfied with memories.

I've had no contact with the girl since then.

I believe some religious issues may have been involved also. Reading my profile you will see I live in Utah, which happens to be the most highly populated LDS state in the U.S.

She was a member which would have been a conflict anyway seeing as I am not the most virtuous person.
Some people would rather wait to enter a relationship, even a minor one.

I, myself, am not a waiting person.

Hey guys can be complex to. Maybe you should have waited a few more dates before you ask someone that kind of question because it may seem like you are try to move to fast or she may not be to sure of what she wants yet.

Don't worry I'm sure you will have no problem getting a girlfriend;)

Personnaly I would have let the woman ask first. Don't listen to me though. The last person I dated didn't know were I though the relationship was going and though that I was backing off from it. Best thing I can say is try to gauge their emotional involvement before you ask a question like that.

If you didn't mean the question as it sounded then yes she may have thought you were ready to ask for her hand in a life long commitment. I'm sure she just misunderstood you but as I said before anyone below your level I'm sure wouldn't understand you very well. A college girl would have taken the question a little better I'm sure. I know how you feel though. I've just come out of a 3 year relationship myself and it's difficult finding a 'boyfriend' because I'm not interested in playing all of the games. I want a strong and steady person to be there for me. There again we can't all get what we want :( good luck in the future though. I agree that you shouldn't have a problem finding a girlfriend.

Haha, thank you both, but I find myself completely satisfied without a 'girlfriend'.

It was merely a happen-chance I found myself attracted to her.

I posted this in hopes of a discussion about the complexities of women's minds and perhaps even a little psychoanalysis of the gender altogether.

This in no way disregards your posts. I found them lovely and heart warming.

- Carry on with your love lives in good health and happiness.

because she is a young lady thats why she have complex minds!!! she dont understand just yet!

Hello There. Well Mr. Silence AKA the non-female Helen. You've baited the hook and caught my attention, and yes, i'll give you my two cents about the 8th wonder of the world: Women. Your question "Did the fact that i didnt beat around the bush make me less attractive", your answer, "180% YEAH!!!". Women, for the most part, like mystery and secrets and wondering "ohh does he like, or does he not?" I'm not gonna go in depth with just what you have to do to get a girl, but just like poker you should never lay out your hand. If you tell a girl your interested in a relationship with her, or a future, or even put the notion in there head that you are (like you did) you'll be game over pretty quickly. One of two things will happen, A) She'll think you like her too fast and be scared off or B) think you're just like all the other guys. The fact that you dont seem interested in her is attractive makes her think "What!?! He DOESNT like me?" and of course from my experience they tend to want to prove to themselves that they are good enough to be with you, and the more you resist the more they persist. Its crazy weird really, and personally i dont totally get it, but i do in a sense and it works. Attracting a girl is all about having an edge, and being just a little bit different. And despite what you think, Giving a rose, giving a compliment, planning a romantic dinner isnt different or romantic...its begging and makes you look like a wimp, and evolution says that the female looks for The alpha male, someone whose strong enough to take care of her. Anyway thats my two cents, and one last pointer, if you really want to get a girl attracted to you, send her a mixed message something like "I like you, but I dont" that way there they keep trying to figure out just what you think of them, and while there thinking if you like them or not, guess who there thinking of? You!

Ok two things I have to comment on. One, how did my name get brought up in this? and I am very much female. Two, you are very right my friend. I've never really thought of it this way but it is very true for the younger females. I'm not sure about when they hit about 27 and on from there. I think they are usually looking for more of a commitment by that point. You make very good points though. But next time lets give your two cents to the correct person shall we?

Yes I am the orginal poster, my name is not Helen, and I am very much male.

I consider your point valid, but wrong as by generalization. You may have seen this from many or even experienced it yourself, but that does not make your opinion conclusive.

I don't consider for a second that there are only two options from my honesty, and I disregard in whole your notion that being a "gentlemen" will portray myself as a 'wimp.' Giving someone a flower and taking them somewhere romantic is a sign of affection and an expression of their value to you.

Where you found the assumption that evolution shows women seeking out the "alph-male" I do not know. But you are indeed wrong. No pole or study can possibly tell you exactly what women want in a man. That being said I do not consider your opnion on the matter any more valuable than studies that may or may not have been recorded.

Had your "opinion" been stated in a more conformative and polite matter I may have layed my words out gently upon the table, but seeing you have a thing for haughtiness I find myself within no such obligation.

Silent is the accuser.

well lets just say that if i was her it would all depend on how the other dates went but i wouldnt push it away and not anwser i would like it if you came to me and asked that and i would give you an honest anwser i think its good that you didnt beat it around the bush but htats just me... and yes girls do get scared about things like that sometimes....hope that helps...

Keep in mind that although she is a 'woman' some girls out there are just out there for a fling. Not every woman appreciates honesty, or at least not when it comes to commitment, especially if they're not ready for it.