What's possible with a broken heart and a lonely mind?

I really hate to whine about my problems over the internet but somehow I need to get this out. I usually vent through poetry but for some strange reason, I can't write anything. Maybe I have lost my talent, if that is at all possible.
I am in desperate need of advice..
So ohkay..
I'm going to start from the beginning..
All of my short life I have had problems on top of problems with self acceptance. I have never in my life felt beautiful, or talented, or in any way useful. My mom and dad make it a point to tell me how fat I am daily. I can't lose weight because I have a "medical condition" that makes it near impossible for me to be small. Every single day I am reminded that there is nothing I do right. If I make a B on a report card then I'm automatically stupid and if I mention anything about the future my dreams get shot down. I have only been in three relationships, only been loved once. I was with a guy for nine and a half months and he moved away, left me behind. I fell madly in love with my best friend, and tried for three years to make myself worthy of him. When he finally gave me a chance, he cheated on me. My most recent mistake, was a pot head loser whom treated me like shit. I dont have any friends. I lost them all when I started cutting myself. So, to win them back I went to counsiling and stopped but since it didnt work I went right back to my bad habit. Now I'm just lost. I cry myself to sleep most nights. Im constantly reminded of how ugly and fat I truely am. I spend my days alone.. all alone.. always. I've tried to pretend that I have nothing to be so sad about but when you are always alone you have plenty of time to think about how miserable you really are. More than anything I want to be in love, but you cant just make love happen. What do you do? What's possible with a broken heart and a lonely mind?

....Once again I truely apologize for whining. Ignore this if you wish. I only wanted to release this build up of emotions.

Sounds like you have a case of low self esteem!

(you probably know that already)
May I compare my life? We're kind of the same in some thoughts.

Don't worry, ur not alone. I'm sure a lot of us think we're fat, because hey... there's a lot of pressure from everything: the media, friends, school, even your parents!!

My most burnt bridge up to this point is probably the fact that I'm a girl. My parents think I can't do anything because I'm supposedly weak; my mom is always telling me that I should just marry a rich guy and never work a day in my life... 'cause hey, I'm a girl!

The fat part? I lost 17 pounds in a year. Now my mom doesn't hound me about being fat... she nags me constantly to not gain anymore weight and annoys me by saying she's glad I don't have that extra tummy! I feel hurt because the fact she didn't accept me when I was fat is very cruel. And my dad? He doubts I can do anything... just because I'm a girl.

In love with my best friend? He rejected me. End of story. But he's okay with everything; I've come to realize I'd rather have him as a friend than lose him from being in love.

I ~never~ cut myself. I might talk about it a lot, but I never do. You know why? I have self control. I work hard to keep myself from cutting. Instead of cutting, I do anything else. Why cut when you can crank up the music and dance...? Or these other options: Sleep, Sing, Write, Draw, Space Out

:-) I feel fat sometimes. But I've gotten over it little by little...

Never had counseling; the only counselor I really need is God.

And the ugly part? The only person in my life who has ever called me ugly is a girl that just wanted to tick me off. Everyone else doesn't really care because of my attitude.

Your attitude makes up for your looks :-) If you have a great character, no one will care what you'd look like... even if you were green!

And your heart's not broken... just lost :-)

The friendless part? I'll be your friend... if you can put up with me ;)

To Beloved: Thanks for the "pep talk". I know that I do have a bit of a self esteem problem and you are completely right when you say "why cut when there are better ways to vent". I regret having to say that I have become, in a sense, addicted to cutting. I know that it's horrible and it's only a temporary solution. I wish I could quit, but I dont consider myself to be very strong. I'm trying. Thank you.. for replying.

To Donaldrminikus: I am very aware that I need help. I've begged my mom to take me to a therapist but she says that I dont "have a problem". What does she know? Good news though, my sister found out by an unknown source that I was cutting myself and she offered to pay for some perfessional help. As expected, I am not thrilled about going. In fact, I am rather scared. But I am smart enough to know when I need help. Wish me luck. Thanks for your reply.

Good luck :) Take care of and luv urself, too :) i hope that it works out!

~Rain

nice 1, Angelina :)

Thanks for everyone's replies.

To Angelina: I think you may have misunderstood what I was trying to say. You said "you have to like yourself before others can like you" this is what I am concerned about, not what other people think. I indeed dont care that much about what others say, they dont know me. I want to be able to like myself. I'm tired of being my own enemy. I want to be beautiful for myself, so I can like me. I dont have to face other people when I dont want to, but I have to face myself everyday. I want to be happy not loved. I however think that happiness may include love (in my case). And although I know the things you say are correct. I'm not able to accept it nor am I strong enough to change.

Like I have said my depression is a proven symptom of my medical condtion. Also if it is indeed hereditary, depression has been in my family for decades. Maybe, I am just destined to feel the way I do, even if you think my reason are ridiculous.

Thank you for your reply. I know that you speak the absolute truth.

ok, i believe in destiny (sometimes), but i still would have to fight with you on this one: im sure you're not destined to be sad all of your life! you make your own destiny! right now, you can choose to be happy or sad... the choice is yours. you can choose to talk to your friends, or ignore them. you can choose to cut or not; once again, it's your choice.

My advice? Make good choices...

Don't blame everything on genetics; trust me, you're not the only one who blames their genes sometimes...

but you can't change who you're born as! What you ~can~ do is change what you'll do with your life; set a goal!

It doesn't matter if it's new years or not; what matters is how u spend every day...

In the future, you don't want to show some younger kids what kind of person you were today, right?

You have to be satisfied with a moment to be happy. Happiness can be love, but it isn't always!

I think it's the other way around... love can make you happy. But there's other ways to be happy too; like right now...

I'm happy just talking to my best friend/sort of crush :) I'm also happy that my mom walked out of the room so i can stay on the computer. lol

And... i feel happy imagining myself swimming... probably in the ocean or a lake!~

cmon; i'm sure you can be happy too! imagine urself somewhere.....

To Angelina: I am starting therapy. Thats how I am working on it. Thanks again.

To Stephen: Thanks for the kind words.

To Beloved: Well I know that destiny is created. I didnt mean that the way it sounded, I just meant that I have reasons other than the obvious to be the way I am. Thanks for your advice.

ur welx; i hope therapy works out :)