i'm sorry. someone please listen

my best friend and i met a year ago in college. we become really close really fast and she's like family to me. our friendship has mostly been one-sided, her being strong for me b/c i have depression and had a suicide earlier this year. she's been my angel, and she's taken grief from me that she didn't deserve. well, a couple of days ago i decided that i couldn't deal with all the moodswings i have as a result of my reactions to things she'd say or do. i'm really weird and i know that sometimes i can be irrational and get crazy when i depend on her too much or she doesn't say exactly what i need to hear. i know that she deserves a better friend than me, even though she said that i was her inspiration and she'd always be here for me. so i told her that we shouldn't be friends anymore. i made it out to seem like i couldn't live within our friendship b/c i didn't like who i was when i was with her. i'm just not the same person i used to be. i'm not worse, but i'd become almost totally dependent upon her, and i came to expect her to be perfect and know all the right things to say. so i didn't want her anymore, that's why i said we should split. we live in different states, so i told her over AIM. she said that she only what's best for me and that if i really wanted to leave, she understood. so i left. and i haven't been able to sleep peacefully since. i know she's hurt, and i'm so sorry. i wish i would've never told her i didn't wanna be friends. i miss her, we were like sisters. so today i wrote her an e-mail saying i'm sorry, and that if she wanted, we could still be friends. she hasn't replied, and i'm pretty sure that she's read it. so i guess she doesn't want to try again. so i lost my best and it's all my fault. i don't deserve a friend that good anyway. and she's always deserved someone better than me. but it still hurts. :''( i'm not suicidal anymore, but i feel like driving a blunt pencil through my heart. she was the only real friend i had.

thx, kate. i hope she responds, too. but if she doesn't; life still goes on. i'll be really hurt for a while, but i'll be ok, i always am. thx for listening and answering. i'm definite here to do the same for you and anyone else who needs someone to hear them.

thx. i talked to my friend, i apologized, and we're cool again. i'm really thankful that i can come here when i feel that i have no one else to turn to.

to all who replied and to those who simply read, thx again.