She's gone..

She's gone..
For those that read my poetry, they'll know my nan has been terminally ill.
I thought i had months left with her, but she died last night and i never got to say goodbye..
Please help me, how do i get through this. I have my Alevels tomorrow and i can't do them. not like this, i just don;t want to live anymore =(
The women who brought me up and was more than a mom to me than my sad excuse for a real one has left me.
I feel so lost =(

You have no idea how much your words have helped me.
They really got through the numbness and have just hit home. So many people have said thing along these lines but none really got through.
So thankyou.
You should be a counseller (sp?) =)
*Gem*

Aw, apologies from the depths of my heart. My mom has always been there for me, so I never had someone like you did but if my Mom were to die I wouldn't know what to do with myself. It's horrible you didn't get to say goodbye, that must be the hardest part.

My grandfather died a couple years back, and it was horrible since I was really close to him. However, for about two months before his death he was really spacy. Hence, he didn't even remember who I was... that had to have been the hardest part.

There are no words that can sooth pain of the heart such as the loss of a loved one, but I implore you to remember that she will forever be with you as long as you keep her in your heart. Her memories and words will live on in you eternally, no matter what state of being. [living or dead]

May your pain be eased soon, and may you find strength in your loss. Best wishes, and blessed be.

All the advice has been a huge help. I have been a little bit better the last couple of hours. The hard part now is going into college tomorrow and having to tell everyone. I think a relapse might be on the cards but i'm going to print out the words of advice you've all given me and keep it with me.
Corny, i know. But it helps.
The funeral is in a week and i think once she's laid to rest, i can start to come to terms with it.
It's all so new to me at the moment, at times, i don't really believe it =/
But as Britt says, Life goes on doesn't it. And i have to move along with it.
Thanks again everyone
*Gem* xxx

*hugs*
I know you don't know me but I am SO sorry for your loss. My nan passed away about 2 months ago, and like you..I honestly believed we had months left. No one ever said she might die so soon. I wasn't at all prepared.

As people have alreasy said, you need to try and remember the good times, live for her. I have A level exams atm and even after 2 months I'm finding it difficult - you can't be expected to cope so soon after. My advice? Do the exams, the best you can..but if you screw up..don't worry. It's not the end of the world, and you can always retake.
Let your teachers know, they can inform the exam boards if you want them to, so that they take it into consideration when marking your papers. But that's only if you want it.

If you don't want to tell people at school, don't - but i'd advise at least telling a few close friends who can look out for you.

The funeral will help, because then as you said, she'll be laid to rest. My nan's funeral was delayed until 3 weeks after she died, that was hard. But by the time we did lay her to rest..it did help, knowing that she was finally at peace.

The funeral might help you believe it as well. It's hard, I know. But once you start believing it, you can start to learn to accept it. It's not gonna be easy, it might take weeks, months...even years before you do, but you're strong enough to cope love.

Any time you have a problem, just remember... she's watching over you. Talk to her, even if she can't reply, she can hear you.

And keep writing your poems. They are brilliant. I read some of the ones, like Healing Kiss, More Than Just a Nan, and The Long Goodbye. They are truly amazing, they captured what I was feeling the whole way through my Nan's cancer ordeal, and then what I felt afterwards but couldnt put into words.

Use your talent to help you deal with it. Maybe make a scrapbook with pictures of your nan, and the poems you wrote and things that were special to you both.

Stay strong love, I know you can

xxxx

Thankyou starsnsmiles, you just kinda took my feelings and put them in order =)
The thing i'm scared of is i seem to have lost all will to write which is a bit upsetting cos it's my fave thing in the whole world.
But like you said, when she's laid to rest, it might come back.
And i took your advice and just talked to her like she was next to me earlier. I don't know if she heard or if she was there, i don't know.
But i felt better for a while
And as for the exams, i only had the two (Media and Sociology) but they were on Monday and Tuesday morning, the day after she died and my dad just said, you're not doing them like this and rang the college, i can take them when i take the rest in July so it's all sorted.
I go back to college tomorrow but i'm going to the chapel where she's resting before the funeral on Friday with Marcus to sy goodbye on my own..
Thanks again
*Gem*

Hun, I'm really sorry for your loss. Everything else has been said and I don't want to repeat it. It's hard I know, but you will get through, trust me. She wouldn't want you to take your own life for her. And the writing will come back in time. My Dad died a while ago, and a couple of days after I had to play my cello in a big music competition. I decided that I was still going to do it, and put my whole heart and soul into it for my Dad, collapsing afterwards backstage. I didn't even realise I had been in tears for the whole performance. It was my way of saying goodbye I guess.
Anyway I hope you are doing okay, and you got to say goodbye to your nan.
*hugs*

I'm glad if I helped at all. I was only able to understand what you were going through because I went through the same thing not so long ago and I understand some of what you are feeling - but obviously not everything, because peopel deal with things differently. It annoys me when people said they 'know' how I feel...coz they don't. People are different, and feel different emotions.

Anyway, back to the point. You probably wont feel like doing anything for a while, but just try and keep some sort of routine in your life, because the longer you don't, the harder it will be to get back to one.

And keep talking to her if it makes you feel better. I sometimes talk to my nan, even though before she died I didn't know what I believed in terms of religion. I still don't know what I believe, like if she's a soul wandering around or if death is the end of it or whatever..but talking to her still helps sometimes even if I don't know if she's actually there.
If you ever need advice, just ask her, and then think about what she would tell you if she could speak to you.

With your exams - good luck for when you do them in the summer. It's probably the best thing for you not to do them right now I guess, you don't need the extra stress. I have exams now and I'm findng it hard even though it was two months ago for me.

I also think going to say goodbye on your own is a good idea too. Maybe write her a letter to go in the coffin with her, or put something in there with her...just so she'll have a piece of you with her. Writing a letter to her might help let your feelings out as well. Just write it as if you were talking to her. All the things you'd say if you could speak to her now.

And dont forget...after the funeral, you can still go to the place she's laid to rest as often as you need to.

I hope the funeral goes as well as it possibly can
I'm thinking of you

xxx

I've already written a letter to put it in. (We think alike) and i'm going to put in a picture i carved (the foil pictures) for her when i was 13 and my fave soft toy to keep her safe.
I'm just scared of the funeral cos it's a cremation and i hate the thought of what happens behind those curtains.
But the ashes are being buried afterwards so we have a place to go.
It still hasn't sunk in. I'll have crying fits but i feel guilty cos i haven't really grieved properly.
*Gem*

Letters and special items are a good idea. That way, a part of you will always be with her.

My nan was cremated as well. I actually went behind to see what happened behind the curtain. I don't know why, I guess I thought it would make me believe it more. It didn't though, instead it was just hard. So I guess I'd say don't go behind the curtain unless you really REALLY want to for whatever reason.

But yeah, the ashes will be buried and then she'll be there forever. No matter when you need her, you'll always know where she is, to go and talk to, or sit by, or whatever.

When are the ashes being buried? I hope it's soon. My nan died on 13th nov, was cremated on the 1st dec and now wont be buried til march - long story - but i don't like the way she's not laid to rest yet. So yeah, I hope your Nanna will be laid to rest sooner than mine x

I understand the guilt, I didn't cry properly afterwards. But love...you can't grieve if you don't truely believe someone's gone yet. It's only been a few days..give yourself time. Like you, I have crying fits, but *I* haven't grieved yet properly, and it's been over 2 months. You can't expect the hurt to go away so quickly, especially as it was someone who was so important in your life.

It will take time. I'm not gonna lie to you. Even now, I still get confused when I think about the fact that I wont see her again, and then confusion is followed by hurt...but I still don't truely believe she's gone. To me, she's just gone on holiday or something and she'll be back soon. I'm guessing as you were close to your Nanna it'll be similar for you. It's hard to understand and believe, and so don't beat yourself up for not grieving yet.

No two people grieve in the same way; cry when you need to cry, and laugh when you want to laugh. She wouldn't want you to stop laughing because of her...and it's ok to do so. It's ok to laugh, to cry, to be angry, hurt, confused...and happy sometimes too. The first time I laughed without her I felt so guilty for enjoying myself when she wouldn't laugh or smile anymore.

You probably feel the same. But just remember...a part of her is in you...so when you smile and laugh..a part of her is still smiling and laughing, through you. So it's ok to let yourself be happy. But at the same time, it's ok to let youself cry when you need to.

Make sure Marcus gives you lots of cuddles too! Having someone hold you in their arms makes you feel safer for some reason, I'm not sure why, but it does! You're lucky to have someone so special to help you through this :)

If you ever want to talk, my email address is stars_n_smiles@hotmail.co.uk
And I mean it; I'm not one of those people who says 'I'm here for you' and then when it actually comes down to it don't want to know. I really am here if you want to talk to someone who understands just a bit of what you're going through - I know I found it hard to talk to family sometimes, because I knew they were hurting too, and if you're the same, it might help to talk to someone who isn't involved.

Anyway, I'm aware my posts have been really long every time, and I'm sorry about that!

Stay strong

*hugs*

xxx

It's amazing how you can feel a connection with people you've never met and who you feel truly understand how you're feeling..
I'm really astounded at how everyone's replies seem like a mirror in a way..
I'm not phrasing any of this right.. >_<

But starsnsmiles, the funeral is this tuesday, a week and two days after she died so it has been relatively quick with no messing around.
I'm hoping that after the funeral, it will sink in.
I guess it's just the waiting game now.
I'm going to see her at the chapel of rest tonight as i couldn't go yesterday because she wasn't ready (whatever that means) so i'm a bit wierded out and spacy today =/
But seriously everyone, i thank you all from the bottom of my heart cos this is probably bringing up painful memories for you all, yet you're still helping me.
Thankyou..

Even though I said that no two people grieve in the same way, the hurt of losing someone you love is the same for most people..so I guess yeah, everyone understands how much this is hurting you, which is probably why it feels like your feelings are reflected in everyone else's answers (I understood what you were saying, it was phrased fine lol)

I'm glad to hear that the funeral is soon, I think it was the waiting that was the worst for me.

It might sink in a bit more after the funeral, but prepare yourself for waking up some days and forgetting she's gone, or just randomly thinking things like 'I need to tell her this' or whatever, because sometimes you'll forget that she's not here anymore. It's hard, yes, but I guess it's a normal part of the whole process

And being weirded out and spacy will probably still happen months down the line, I get like that sometimes and it feels...strange! But again, it's normal, even though it does feel odd.

If you're going to see her actual body, try and remember that she wont look the same. She'll still look like your Nanna..but at the same time she'll look different. I don't know how to explain it, but you can see that the life (her soul, if you like) isn't there anymore. I dont know if that makes any sense to you but I guess you'll see what I mean when you go and say goodbye.

stay strong, and I mean it if you need to talk, i'm here for you :) x

I went to see her with Marcus..
She was so small in that coffin.. but it was a pink lining and a pink gown... she looked so beautiful.. you couldn't even see the tumour on her eye cos they covered it.
I put it a picture i drew with a shiloette (sp?) of Billie Joe with some lyrics in glitter pen. I photo of me and my brother, a teddy bear that i know will keep her warm and a letter..
She was only 63.. it's so unfair. She was so cold when i kissed her goodbye..
Poor Marcus was in tears too, grieving for the fact he'll never know his nan in law properly. He only met her when she was ill.
And i went down again today.. Cos my grandad was going to go on his own cos no one could go with him. I didn't want to but i had to, i couldn't let him go alone.
He looked so broken when he saw her..
I think today is one of my bad days. I have to go out for a meal tonight with Marcus and his family cos he can't get out of it and he doesn't want to leave me alone but i don't think his family are very happy with me at the moment cos i had an argument with him last night and walked out of them all at his house.
Argh.. i feel all yucky

*hugs*

Putting special things in with her is a good idea, because then a part of you will always be with her :)
And yes, it's difficult, and unfair - it's always the nicest, most beautiful people that get taken too soon, and it hurts. I know that it's not much consolation, coz you'd rather her not have been ill at all...but at least she's in no more pain now

When I saw my nan straight after she'd passed away, she was warm. I'n my mind, people that have passed away aren't aren't warm. I wanted her body to be cold when I got there, and I kept going back in to see her, hoping she was cold. So that I knew for sure. But she didn't go cold, and so in my mind she couldn't have died. It felt like it was all some sick joke and soon, someone was gonna tell me she didn't leave me.
I guess the funeral helped a little bit because then she was cold, but it still seemed surreal I guess.

The fact that Marcus was crying too shows that she must have been an amazing woman to have such an effect on him even when she was ill and so not upto her usual self.

And you going with your granddad even when you didn't want to shows that you're strong too, and you will get through this, I promise.

How did the meal go? I'm sure Marcus' parents would understand that you're stressed at the moment, and so you're gonna have arguments over silly things - what was it about? anything serious? Either way, from what you've said, and your poems, what you an Marcus have is strong enough to work through it and not let it affect your relationship in a bad way.

You will always had good days and not so good days, I'm not gonna lie to you about it, but hopefully as time goes on the not so goos days will become less frequent. When you're feeling down about her, either do something for her; write a poem, listen to her favorite music, talk to her or something...or do something completely different to try and take your mind off it, or if you need to cry, cry. It helps.

And talk about how you're feeling, whether it's how upset you are, or if you're remembering some of the good times, tell someone, it'll help! The worst thing you can do is keep it all bottled up inside, coz it'll 'come back and bite you in the bum one day'! (words of my sociology teacher when I told her I don't talk about my problems!)

I hope you feel a bit better soon
xxxx

My laptop died and Marcus had to reformat for me, it took me ages to get back online again..
and yeah, the day is tomorrow.. poor Marcus was fretting earlier, he doesn't want to make a show of himself cos he was worried about not wearing the right thing and getting his hair cut.
To others reading this, it may seem like he's being insensitive and worrying over trivial things but i know him better, he's trying not to dwell on the big thing here. It's his first funeral and he's scared to death.. Me? I'm totally spaced.
I really have no clue. I just don't know how i'm going to feel... better wear the waterproof mascara though..

Oh and the argument was just us arguing cos after we'd had a huge conversation that morning telling each other we needed to spend some time alone that night cos we'd both been so stressed and snappy that week, he rang back half an hour later and told me he had to go out and we had a shouting match on the phone cos i accused him of blowing me off when i needed him most. His family witnessed the whole thing but the night was ok.
They all just told us to kiss and make up cos life wa to short, which really hit home for me actually.

Then on Sunday, his sister Mindy helped me keep my mind of things cos she and her fiance were moving house and i was in charge of the baby so that helped...

Meh, i just feel all wierd and floaty.. and no i'm not on drugs =|
I wish i knew what was coming next really.
Gem xx

Ur gonna be really sad; u'll probably be distracted for a while. I'm sorry for ur loss. I have a friend who was raised by her Grandma... if her Gma was gone, she'd be alone. her mum left her when she was lil and her dad always has to work/live with his new wife.

that's really tough, and just seeing this wonderful person you loved suddenly lie in a casket in front of you is... empty...

but you'll all be okay. one of the hardest things in life is to move on, but one day you will smile again :)

u will never know what comes next! but ill tell u something... ur grandma would never want to see you cry!!

and if ur bf is really going to stick around for a while... you'll both get through this ;) he'll be a shoulder to cry on if you ever are upset... and will help you through this hard time.

really sry for the loss... my condolensces...

RIP, gma...

Grandmothers are the mothers of mothers..

How was it love?

Wow... it was.. beautiful.. and so sad.
I'd spent the morning with Marcus, he tried to keep things as normal as possible for me. We watched a bit of friends, some scrubs and 8 simple rules and then we moved on to my dad's house to get ready.
Lynn gave me waterproof mascara which i thought was a sweet (and wise) gesture.

My dad wore a pink short because my nan was in pink, my uncle darren had a pink tie on and both my little cousins were all in pink. I put a pink flower in my hair for her..

The proccesion was difficult, the boys and girls were spilt up so Marcus had to go in a car with my dad, his three brothers, my brother and my grandad. While i went in one with my dad's girlfriend, My aunty lisa, her daughters (my cousins) and My uncle johns fiancee Karen. So the two little ones kept me occupied on the way.
Then my great grandma (my nan's mum) My great aunty Brenda (my nan's sister) her husband and my dad's cousin and his partner were in the third car.

And my nan.. well she had her own car with flowers on one side spelling 'mum' and on the other side of the coffin spelling 'Nana'.
It was a nice drive, although i was disgusted by two drivers who cut right in the middle of the procession.

When we got there, there was so many people there to say goodbye.. i was amazed she's touched so many people's lives..
By that time, i'd flown into Marcus's arms and tried to stop sniffling. But everyone around me was breaking down so i didn't hold back either.
We all filed inside and i sat between Marcus and my cousin Claret (9) The poor kid was devastated. She was in floods. And she kept setting me off while i was trying to comfort her so i wasn't much help really. Lucky my uncle darren was next to her (her dad) and Marcus on my side.

The vicar was wonderful. He really outdid himself on a lovely service. He told everyone how loved she was and how we all had the right to be angry.. to be sad.. to be frustrated..
He told us it was a tragedy she was taken so young and so quickly but she was in a pain free place and every trait she had that we used to love can be found in ourselves if we look for it. And how she's always in our hearts.

He mentioned all the grandchildens names. Me, Lee, Claret, Anne-Blue and Sophie. And her sons, Shaun (my dad) Darren, Andrew and John and my grandad.
He told my grandad he was a lucky man to have such a beautiful wife =)

One thing that made me smile was when he mention one of her most loved and most hated traits, but one of the most missed... was going to a car boot on Sundays and buying things she didn't need. That set me off cos i was the one who went with her every Sunday. Claret said she would come with me sometime..

And then.. and then the curtains were closed around the coffin.. and the song began.. and i knew what was happening and i just sobbed on Marcus (bless him, he started crying to and he never really knew her properly. But he knew her enough to know how loving she was)
We all filed out and shook the vicars hand, thanking him for such a lovely service and so many people came up to me and hugged me. It was quite scary how many people knew who i was and i had no idea who they were, lol. But they knew my nan and that was enough for me.

We all retired to a pub around the corner where the whole place had been rented out for the funeral party and i spent the rest of the night occupying myself playing the babysitter role with the two girls. Claret and Anne-Blue (4). They kept my spirits up all night.

And now.. i'm home. I came back with Lee (bro) and Marcus cos we were all tired and a bit shell shocked really. Marcus is currently fast asleep on my bed while Lee is playing in his room on Halo.
So i thought i would come vent here if that's ok.

We have to wait now for a few days untill we can bury the ashes and i have a proper place to go and talk to her and grieve for her.. i just want it to be over but what can you do..?

Sorry this is so long. Years in journalism classes makes me describe what i can.. lol
Thanks for all your support. I still can't grieve properly but all in good time..
Thank you
Gem xxx

Wow...that sounds like it was beautiful..it made me cry too! (and i'm not one to cry easily at all!)

make no apologies about venting, it;s what we're here for

I'ts normal you can't grieve yet, and as you said youself..give yourself time. It will happen, and when it does, it will hurt but when you get through the other side it will feel good - remember, moving on is not forgetting, it's remembering without the pain

I know what you mean about wanting the ashes to be buried so she's finally at reast and then you know where she is...but at least it's only a few day :) (unline 3 months for my nan, i'm sick of waiting now!)

*hugs* I'm glad it went well without any hitches
Anytime you need to vent again, just let your fingers type!

xxx

Meh, i feel guilty that i'm not grieving yet. Is there any way to move it along. It's exhasting cos i won't sleep properly but it still isn't real.. ffs..

I haven't grieved properly yet, but I guess that it's coz I don't want to. I mean, I feel guilty, but if i havent accepted and grieved about it. I can ignore it and pretend it hasnt happened. Not the best plan, i'm the first to admit, and yes it is exhausting, but..idk why i'm just scared to grieve i guess

but grieving takes time, LOTS of time, and it's different for each person, so i dont think theres any way of rushing it. just keep her alive in your memory and take things day by day, and eventually the hurt will fade and you'll be able to think of her and smile

you will grieve when your ready, maybe it hasnt fully set in yet that she has gone, but soon enough you will, but the memory is always there so within you she is still alive and lives on, so have a fantastic life for her it was what she will have wanted
*hugs*