I need a variety of opinions/perspectives so i can understand pl

could you please take the time to read this.

ok well i relli don't like to talk about stuff that's happened to me but i feel as if i need to understand and help work on this problem so i can help move on with my life. i really want to hear what people have to say about it and also if anyone is or know's someone who maybe also feels this way.
i suppose i like the idea that it is over the internet so no one really know's me.

When i was a child i was being continully sexually asulted/abused by 3 people. i am now 17 and have been in counselling since i was 15. i actually see a couple of people for different things. But i see a main person. i have this philosophy that no matter how shit i am feeling inside when i see my counsellor if i try and put in alot of effort to sound enthusiastic and happy than i will feel better. i even sometimes do it subconsciously. i feel as if my counsellors believe that i look and sound good than they will tell me that and by telling me that i feel as if i am expected to do that and i can't let them down. also that it may be true. when they tell me i look good it is enough incentive to make sure that i make it to the next appointment and so on.
but when i saw them the other day this time they said that they weren't going to see me in 2 weeks (the usual time) but in a month. and that's when it suddenly hit me. i rely on speaking to them to get me through each week. and as unhealthy as that is it is so far working for me. if i am not talking to them for a month than i wont be hearing the things i need to hear and i am afraid i will start to go down hill.

The main thing that bothers me is that i started to think...why is it that i feel a need to talk to someone regulary now but a few years ago i wouldn't speak to a single soul? and i thought that although this may sound wierd there was someone who i did talk to and that was the people that abused me. in some sense i felt some sort of security and regularity with them. although i didn't like what they were doing i still got a unrealistic sense that they cared about me and were there for me when no one else was.

once i started seeing a counsellor i began to believe that i didn't need the abuser's comfort when i had healthy and professional people to be there for me.

now i feel though that if i am not getting the so called "comfort" from my counsellor than i will instead compensate it with seeing my abusers again. this is a stupid and idiotic path to follow but i feel as if i am desperate for someone to truly care and i will go to all means to find it. i suppose deep down i am aware that someone who abusers a child never really cares about them let alone loves them but i still have something else inside of me that earns for it even though i don't want it.

i am aware that some people will probably tell me to talk to my counsellor about my concern. i have spoken to one about it but he didn't seem to care. the main one though i don't feel as if i can. i am scared to tell them. i get alot of paranoid thoughts and one which constantly occurs is that people don't believe what i am saying. i would never lie about something this serious. i just get the feeling that if they have seen me lately to have only been happy (even though i haven't really been) than if i suddenly act unhappy they may get the feeling that i'm 'putting it on' for attention.

i don't really know what i thought i would achieve by posting this but if anyone can maybe help me understand so i can try and work through it by myself it would be much appreciated.

and thankyou to all of you who took the time to read this i am aware that it is kind of long.

r u only 13. wow. well i'm just glad that sum1 responded lol. but thanks for your comment. i understand what your saying. i'm not very big on the trust issue though. and i don't really trust most of my friends just one but still she is a very busy person and i don't want to bring her down in all this.

First babe you have to talk to your councellor about your concerns. I understand exactly what you are saying, but if you are not honest with him then he cannot properly treat you.

Secondly, it is easy to become "attached" to your therapist. This is actually quiet normal and happens more often then people think.

You can start some home exercises that will help you overcome this "clutch" that you have developed.

Start a journal, not just any "journal" but a special journal. Write in your journal everyday something good about yourself.

On day one write one thing. One day two repeat the first thing you wrote and then write something new so now you have two good things in there. Day three same as day two and so on.

When you think you have run out of things to write then start all over and this time add in something that you would like to see for yourself.

Example: Today I think I reacted calmly when things started to unravel. I am going to try to put in an honest effort to remain calm for now on instead of blowing up.

Day 2: I like the fact that I remained calm yesterday. Today I worked hard to stay calm and even though I had a "bad spot" I am still happy that I put in an honest effort and will continue to do so.
Also today I realized that I am a very good listener when others come to me with their problems. I am going to remeber this and possibly search for a career that I can utilize this talent of mine to help others when I am older. Also, I am going to start letting my nails grow out. I really like long nails and I am worthy of having them for my self.

And then day 3 ... and so on

Also talk to your friends and family. And when you start feeling scared or depressed start excercising, walking, window shopping, or anything else that you enjoyed at one point. If you are really feeling brave then you can try something new.

I hope this helps hun ..

--Sher

I'm close to my councelor so I know what your saying, I know its hard but I would try and find an adult that you can talk to. Like if im having problems with anything and Im not seeing my councelor Ill talk to a older woman from my church who went through similar things that I did.

thankyou guys for all the ideas i will definelty give them a go. although i wouldn't really say i'm attached to my counsellors because i don't really like them all that much it's just that (and i no this sounds selfish) the reason i want to see them regulary is not because i am attached to them but because i get alot out of it. that is i get hope and reasurance that i am alright and that things can get better. i guess i am scared that i rely on people to much when i need to be more independent. i guess it comes from low self esteem so that is why i think the idea of writing down something good about myself could help alot. thanks