On Commitment

For me it's the fear that in a commitment your tied down and also that it's easier to both be hurt and hurt the other person. But yes past relationships have a lot to do with it.

I'll think about it and find a better way to explain it to you. Get back to you :P

i want to know too...i hate that..im not for sure...but it sucks...lol. yeah.

Yeah this one is really hard to explain. I've been trying to get the word right all night but I'm still unable to do so. In short I agree with Rhiannon Morgana in that we don't want to be tied down, we want to feel free. Even if we would rather be with our gf/bf most of the time, it's more along the lines of not feeling like you have to be with them... If you can understand that.

People don't want to feel like they are required to spend time with someone, even if the only thing they want is to be with that person.

People are merely smart animals. No other mammal on the planet spends its entire life with just one mate. Commitment means going against nature and denying our very own instincts. Things like soul mates and love are all intangible where as lips and boobies are real... well, they may be plastic these days but even plastic has some substance. Thats my theory anyways, but I was in love once :S and we were going to be together forever lol. Commitment takes honesty and honestly feelings change, commitment is making a pledge to someone that you'll be with them tomorrow. Its like pretending to be able to predict the future and sometimes the future is scary... if you take a relationship day by day then you don't put the pressure of having to be in a spot you don't want to be in tomorrow and you'll be where u want to be rather then where you have to.

I'd say so for sure. If thats the kind of relationship your in, then whatever you do don't pressure him into anything because you might push him away. But if its commitment your seeking maybe you should look elsewhere. From my own experience being a guy whos afraid of commitment and having a relationship with someone is bad news, I try to tell her constantly that she deserves better and recently in my drunken stupers I've messed up and proven this. Yet she hangs around waiting for me to change. As long as he treats u right and isn't out to break hearts then it sounds like hes commiting to the relationship as much as he can.

i've recently discovered that I am absolutely terrified of commitment.

I never realized it before, in fact I thought that all I wanted was a committed relationship because it seemed I could never find one. But now that I've found someone who wants me to commit to them completely (and them to me) I find myself freaking out.

I've realized that the reason why this terrifys me is because if I make a mistake, or someone gets hurt, there's no easy way out. In my past relationships it has always been that if something went wrong it was no big deal, it would hurt but it wasn't like we were expecting it to last anyway. This time it's a much bigger picture. I could really break his heart, and losing him or us falling apart somehow could break mine too. I'm terrified of hurting him and myself because this wouldn't be a quick fix, it would take a long time to heal after actually being committed to someone.

Abby has summed it up pretty nicely for me, actually. It's their fear of losing certain assets, knowing that a serious relationship may change the way he/she is. Then again, if they truly love the person they're with, they'd learn to live with it. Sacrifice is in all relationships; giving up even the 'littlest' of things make the 'hugest' differences in our lives.

I will speak from my point of view and only mine.

I am afraid of committment because I do not want to feel "tied down" right now. Before I even think about a seriouse relationship I want to graduate school and have my life in order.

I do not want to go through the mind games and guilt trips of how I do not spend enough time with some guy. I do not want any distractions from what I have set as my goal.

My goals are high and that is largely due to my past marriage. I want to be able to take care of me and my children without depending on anybody! I do not ever want to feel trapped again and so therefor I refuse to get sidetracked at this point in my life.

--Sher

I was the more "commitment-phobe" of my relationship. However, it was really my first one, and he started talking very seriously very soon. Of course, now that I'm the commited one.... well, we won't go into that at the moment.

Could be fear of rejection, immediate or eventual. Fear of being "tied down," a sense of freedom being taken away. Unsure of their feelings; love, or not love? Pfft.

Pfft...I'll write that down.

Chocolates...and ring...ring made of candy...

That's it? You're easy to please!

Jane, David, please refrain from having your own convo in a thread, please stick to the topic.

I can cook essentially anything (With the help of a good Cook Book). Psst. Cooking is easy, but I'm not down for cooking all the time. It's called equality!

Play with me? Sure, I like to play any time of day!

Personality of Nintendo? Well...No, I cannot do that, but I can beat you at any game. I am a video game master!

Sorry David. I guess I'm no robot.

Yes, Joe. Yes.

-Bows down before Joe-

-Picks up slingshot-

In response to the thread: I am afraid of commitment. I suppose I like my freedom. Relationships can be suffocating, but I still give people a chance. No harm in taking a chance, right?

^ I agree with all of the above. Take the chance, or live your life in fear. What pitiful lover does not risk anything? Preach it, Liz.

Not a bad point.

There are two different definitions of "commitment". One definition is being sent to an organization. The additional deals with producing and maintaining pledges or promises to another individual.

A number of couples have dilemmas with assurance since they perplex the two definitions. They are frightened that commitment in a relationship means receiving into an institute with excessively a great deal of structure, power and barriers to their liberty to be themselves.

They are mistaken. A commitment is a liberating and emergent occurrence. Once two individuals construct or build a commitment to each other to mature, gain knowledge about life and love mutually, they are creating an encouraging position to be. A vow is an act of dependence, both of yourself and of your significant other.

On the same hand if you are with that one person and "not in a commmittment" but happily seeing each other exclusively why then push forward if you are not ready?

Is it a sin to want to focus on school instead of worrying about a "relationship"? Why is it that others feel as though I am wrong when I am happy just seeing my guy when time permits without all the relationship status b.s.?

I guess in the end the only thing that matters is how the couple feels about where they stand. For me at this point I am happy, but after I graduate things will probably be different.

--Sher

I don't know if this thread is obsolete, but after a skim-read it seems manyone is over-egging a simple question - everyone has a right to fear commitment when in love, because they rarely/barely even know the person. That is why they say love is blind. Why would any rational person commit their love and life to a blind emotion?

You've been seeing a man/women who loves you, whether he/she uses the expression or not. He/she loves being among you. Yet, he/she hasn't dedicated himself/herself to you completely. Time to make it straightforward for him/her with these guidelines.

1) Make it simple for him/her to divulge in you by listening without giving him/her advice or criticizing him/her.

2) Make your man/women experience extraordinary by showing him/her that you adore him/her for himself/herself and no-one else.

3) Attempt to be ordinary.

4) Give your man/women the intellect that he/she can keep his liberty, at least to a sensible measure.

5) Don't let him/her do a great deal for you or spend excessively, (even if he/she volunteers).

6) Don't make your man/women envious as a device to erect his/her attention in you.

7) Maintain on sexual trustworthiness once you sense you require it.

8) Lend a hand to your man/women to acknowledge the reality that he/she needs you and loves you.

9) Once a few months, persist that your man/women initiate you to his/her family and friends and to any person imperative in his/her life.

10) Guard against giving your man/women additional than you actually desire to over an extended period of time.

Already have a few posts up.

Commitment? What does it mean? How does one commite to another? Etc.

All very simple questions, yet, hard to explain without stumbling.

People wheather male or female usually want Commitment in a relationship. Why? Well, usually an individual wants to feel safe, or assured that their relationship will last. They want to be re-enforced with postive feedback from their significant other.

Others fear for commitment, for they feel it is binding, it stops them from going out having good times with friends, doing what they want, etc.

Commitment is different for every individual, for everyone has their opinions. Therefore, I could really being to say way a male wouldn't want to commite, or way a female wouldn't want to commite, for it's different for everyone.

Peace, Joe

well, i was actually just in a relationship with a guy that i love more than anything!! we got promise rings for valentines, and then about two weeks later he broke up with me!! i don't understand how you can say you love someone and want to be with them for the rest of your life and then all of a sudden change you mind and everything all together!! i guess commitment is just a scary thing when your not ready for it!! but when you are ready nothing else matters!! so my thought about it is that if youy really are truly ready to be commited to somebody and you know that's what you want from the bottom of your heart than go for it!! but if theres even the smallest part of doubt, then give it some time!! maybe theres someone else out there that's the RIGHT one for you!! you never know!!

Joe, you successfully failed to unanswer the question Liz directed to you. You always answer for other people, surf the net, or list a bunch of questions (which is unecessary) and then very wealky respond to them, without once admitting your personal feelings on the matter. Again, what do YOU think?

Pfft.

"On the same hand if you are with that one person and "not in a commmittment" but happily seeing each other exclusively why then push forward if you are not ready?"

Emphasis on exclusively. Exclusiveness makes you a couple with or without the official label. I believe we are talking about someone you care for not admitting to their feelings fully, therefore dragging you along on a string, and still seeing other people.

Geez, time to bash Joe....

What do I think?

Well, I personally think that if the person loves you and you love them, then why be afraid to commite? It's just another risk we all have to take at some point in our lifes, am I correct? As Liz said, everyday of your life is a risk, stepping outside is a risk. etc. etc.

I for one am not afraid of commitment. I'll take my life at the grasp of my hands and take the risks that I feel are important in my life.

Peace, Joe

There we go, thank you. Now you're making sense.

^ You would not have elaborated on her body, if it weren't the main reason of your apparent "love." You are not afraid of commitment, you are cowardly and shallow. You are afraid of falling for a woman because of her sexual appeal--the inevitable guilt is a scary thought.

Was that harsh?

Well David, sorry, I mean, BRUCE. Sounds like you've got yourself in a pickle.

If you went to her now and apologized, you would look less of an ass than you currently do. Give her a definite YES, or a definite NO...no more mind games to satisfy your selfish ego.

It would seem you are still afraid of commitment, for whatever lame reason...so a definite NO appears to be favorable, wouldn't you agree?

If you actually want to give the potential relationship a chance, then do so. Try not to freak out and cheat on her, please.

What exactly do you fear in a relationship? What is so scary about taking a little chance to figure out what you truly feel, and want? I say, go for her. No more excuses. If you KNOW you will not go for her, then make that absolutely clear. Being "pulled along on a string," is torture.

David is a guy I know, in your exact situation. You guys should talk.

Obviously you have left some hope, else she would let go. Make up your mind. She will continue to hurt until you do so.

Goodnight.

because being nun is the freaking sweetest thing ever...
no its because most men are so weak and you know men they want to be the best...but yes they are really weak, and they are afraid to get their heart break so they just stay away from commitment
cuz everyone knows loves ruins everything (most of the time)

Psst. Think about you? Only negative thoughts. Don't get your hopes up.

I noticed a connection, that is all.

So Bruce and David are not the same person...how intriguing.

I stick to my original thought--You can never regret taking the chance, no matter what the outcome. We learn from our experiences. Without the chance, there is no learning...there is only regret.

Haha, it is not ME he cares about. Try again. You are soooooooo close.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that why you were BEGGING me to come online more often? No point in lying to yourself, when we both know the truth."

I'm sorry, when have I ever done such a thing? I say pretty much the opposite. You are the one who begs me not to leave every time I go. Then again, you do that to everyone you little slut!

Get over yourself, David.

I forgive you, Bruce. Glad you realized what is going on :)

and...I am in full support of your decision. (I'm proud of you, too!)

David, you're an idiot. I wouldn't beg you for ANYTHING, if my life depended on it. I wouldn't stoop that low. Ok, now David, chill. We are friends, or something along those lines, so let's just stop this petty arguing.

Bruce, Bruce, Bruce...you are truly a coward. Congratulations on successfully hurting the girl you care for's feelings, for absolutely no reason.

Liz, what truth? That David lies? That's o l d news.

"You are wrong...its not females...maybe 30% of females are afraid of commitment...its the "blokes" that are afaird."

^ Sorry to say, but ahh, I believe it is pretty equal, 50/50. It's not just the guys, it's the girls too. But then again who am I to judge? Who are you to judge? We don't know the numbers, you want statistics look them up, don't guess.

Peace, Joe

I never said guys didn't have a problem, yes I agree that guys have more of a problem with commitment, although, I do believe the numbers are pretty close. I think it's a little higher than 30% Liz, maybe like 40% or 35% of women have a problem with commitment, I deff. agree that guys have more of a problem though.

Ciao, Joe

Hm...NO, she does not reciprocate David's feelings. That's all I can answer.

Liz, I hope you are doing alright.

Vix, you are an incredible woman. If he wants to go out with this woman, yes, on his part that is a little WEIRD...why would he want to do such a thing? I suppose it doesn't matter. If you trust that he will do nothing, or you will find out about nothing, then it's your choice to be jealous or not. To be protective or not. If, as you said, he does pursue this other woman, then you know it was never meant to be between the two of you, and it is time to move on. I'm impressed with your ability to allow complete freedom. Any guy would be lucky to you have you.

^ Haha, too true. Too true. (Not the bitch part, but the rest).

I am the jealous type, so, I would not be down. Then again, if Vix trusts her boyfriend as much as she clearly does, then whatever. It's good to allow his freedom. I still do not understand WHY he would want to go out with this girl in the first place. That seems odd.

^ Haha, well all of what you said was interesting and made perfect sense...until the end! Hahaha, oh man...ok so you've been together for a very short period, and he already wants to start seeing other girls he's never hung out with before (going out on a date) to see if he can find someone more suitable to him. Maybe I'm paranoid, but trust is usually developed, not something that just goes POOF and appears.