Walking the fine line between love and hate (long story)

Years ago I fell in love with this girl. We were both young, but for 3 years we grew up together. Every spare moment we had we spent with eachother and there wasnt any where else we'd rather be. This is probably the reason why things got as bad as they did, but we couldnt help it as we were addicted to love as it were. From the first time we met there was a connection. It started out as a simple crush and harmless flirting but soon I wanted more. I managed to work up courage enough to ask her out only to get shot down with the response that she liked me, but cared more about what we already had and didnt want to ruin our friendship. I was crushed to say the least and wasnt sure how to handle it. Though I was very stubborn, I tried to put my feelings aside for her. Things got complicated after this however because I really liked her and the better the friends we became the more for her I cared. I couldnt wrap my head around her reasons for not giving me a chance, however soon she gave me a kiss. A few weeks later, my friend was having people over, she was there. The night was going alright until my best buddy decided to talk to her about the whole situation, they ended up makin out and I was heart broken. I cried infront of my friends for the first time and embarassed myself. I was so ashamed I walked home at 3 in the morning without a coat in the middle of winter, I thought my penis was gonna fall off it was that fekking cold. I didnt want to see either of them ever again, maybe I was being selfish I don't know. The following day she said how sorry she was and all that crap and that she realised how much she liked me and wanted to be with me... I fell for it. She asked me out on Valentines day and I couldnt have been happier or stupider. After a week of barely talking or hanging out because she was "busy" while somehow finding time to hang out with other guys, I decided she was right and called it quits, thinking we were better off as friends. Again, she insisted that she wanted to be with me said that things would change, and they did for the better. My friends all hated her because of the way she treated me from the get go and all her friends hated her because she was "prissy" or something. We started dating again but I found it very hard to make everyone happy and ended up spending most of my time hanging out with her rather then getting drunk with my friends, so we grew apart. I liked taking it easy on the weekends and watching movies with her. Eventually like turned into love, she was my best friend, my everything despite all our obvious differences. She comes from a very rich family and lives in the upper class part of town. My parents divorced when I was little and I've spent most my life living in an appartment with my mom. Though my parents love me very much I've never really had the whole family experience, just two parents competing for mine and my brothers love and an asshole step dad. So needless to say, I didnt fit in so well with her family. Her dad was a great guy and we seemed to get along, but I found it difficult to be myself around the rest of the family. I have problems opening up to people and letting them in my life, so its probably my fault. Still, despite all these things, she said she wanted to be with me forever. We were young and stupid. She'd make me help her think of names for kids we hadn't had yet, but I'd always suggest the dumbest ones, like Conan The Barbarian, maybe because deep down I knew we'd never be together. After spending so much time with eachother, we eventually ran out of things to say, or something. We never really faught, but sometimes just sat in silence like we were angry with eachother. I loved her, but something was wrong... so I let go. After 3 years, I threw it all away. I still remember exactly the way she looked in her safeway outfit and how she stunk like meat or sausage from workin in the deli, lol. Her mascarra was all over the place as tears fell from her eyes. It was the last time I ever saw the girl I loved. Though she didnt die, or move away... she just completely changed. This was close to christmas so school was out for the holidays. After not seeing eachother, or talking for a while classes were back in session and as soon as I saw her I realised I made a huge mistake, probably the biggest mistake of my life this far. I realised that although we had our problems and our differences that I still loved her and that there was nothing that could ever change that. I was prepared to do whatever it took to make things right. She found me in the library at school one day and we started to talk, not about us... just about anything, and I truly believed we were going to be ok. We took a walk around the school together and as soon as we found an empty hallway there was no holding it back, we kissed... and then again... and again as if making up for all the ones we missed when we were apart. She asked me to call her that night, so after I got off work I drove to see her because I needed to. I asked her to come over when she was done working and she said she would. This is probably the last time I felt happy as it were, she came over and we got it on. We both agreed that breaking up sucked and was a big mistake and to start seeing eachother again. She had been seeing other people while we were apart, but said it was awkward and weird.

We started hanging out but it was obvious things were different. It was her graduating year in highschool, while I had missed my boat and was trying to catch up. I was so used to hanging out with her that I didnt make many friends and most of the ones I had graduated already. I was the old stupid loser in highschool heading no where fast. When we hung out she said things like "We'll go out again if you graduate", when I saw her at school she was always with some new guy and when she saw me with other girls she'd get upset. The whole situation was messing with my head, I found it difficult to concentrate on school work and lost the drive to even attend class, as I'd always see her in the hall at school and I couldnt handle the way things were. I couldnt fix the terrible mistake I had made. As the year went on I managed to stay on course to graduate... but me and her drifted apart. We weren't even friends and all the promises we somehow managed to turn into lies. I went on anti depressants but never really felt better, I wanted to die. My dad went into the hospital and had a brush with death himself, she wasnt there. She called to see how he was doing and things like that... but she was never there. Forever came full circle and seemed closer to never, love felt more like hate. I heard stories from everyone of what she had become, as I turned into a hermit and stayed at home my best of friends told me of the way things were. When I did get dragged out, I met someone... when my ex caught wind of this, she acted all sad saying it hurt to see me with someone else. When I had been in her shoes for months. But I still loved her and this other girl was just a friend... who maybe wanted more then I had left. We went for a drive to talk about things and she held my hand, saying it felt right. Right or wrong... I still loved her so I held on tight. She decided to give me another chance... we went out to a friends place and drank together for the first time since we broke up, but still things weren't the same. Half way through the party shes walking around with her pants undone and her bathing suit on underneath cause my buddy had a pool... one of my so called friends decided it would be fun to put his hand down her pants... right infront of me. I remember the look on her face as though she liked it. Ive never felt worse before in my entire life, Im shaking right now as I type this, shaking with hate and love and pain all at the same time and this happened almost 2 years ago. I snapped and they both ran away like cowards and denied it. But I know what I saw... For her, for myself I tried to forget because still, I loved her. She called the next day like nothing happened, if I could have forgot... I would have, but I knew what I saw and I couldnt let her get away with it even if it meant never being with her again. I couldnt even do it out of selfishness so I could have who I loved. She wouldn't talk to me anymore, if I didnt let it go. We didnt talk, but still I loved her... so I wrote emails... terrible emails mostly, I said a lot of things I regret. I had all this hate inside and no where to put it... so day after day I wrote. I became a monster and found a side of me I had never seen, I didnt know how to stop... I wrote emails like there was no tomorrow. Filled with hate. I had to leave.

I decided to leave town and visit a friend, running away from it all. I was having a great time getting drunk and being stupid with my buddies until I got a phone call from my brother. I was out drinking at the time and the music was loud but I remember what he said clearly, my mom was in the hospital and tried to commit suicide. I was in shock. I paniced and tried to get home. Though i was a plane ride away... and there was nothing I could do, I was dead set on getting home. Within a few days, my ex comes on msn... and says she heard about what happened and says she wants to see me. I told her were either going to give it an actual shot or say fuck it cause I was tired of her shenanigans. She replys with a "I dont want to say fuck it, I want to fuck you" pretty slutty, so against my friends recommendations I say I dont have sex with girls Im not going out with and she says something dumb like "good one". I get home and we decide to hang out, we go to a movie and out for supper and everything goes great... better then I ever expected. The next day she comes over and we gets to getting it on, I stop half way through and she tells me to keep going. After she was satisfied, though we didnt do "it"... things were awkward... I was expecting "it" and a relationship though it seemed like she was content with being careless and selfish. I felt used and told her to go home. Soon after the ugly side of me showed itself again, and I began to write. I couldnt stop. I had so much hate inside and it was all for the empty shell of the girl I used to love, my best friend. My love was once again replaced with hate. Eventually I stopped, somehow I stopped, not hating... but I realised the girl I loved was completely gone.

Months passed and we hadn't talked, until I went to the lake for the long weekend with friends. The first night out we arrive at the party and shes there. My friends neglected to inform me we were spending the night at her and her friends cabin. It sucked. Everyone there could tell that I was far from where I wanted to be and tried there best to accomodate me. I decided to make the best of the night and got drunk... She comes up to me and says we need to talk. I was so drunk I really didnt care. We catch up and she says she going out with this guy and that shes in love and all this crap... like shes even capable of the act. Saying she'll prolly get married in a few years. I couldnt help but feel sorry for the poor guy. She jokes around saying we had a pretty serious relationship in highschool and I just laugh replying that serious relationships require honesty where as all we did is lie to eachother and pretend to be in love. We both agree that we never loved each other and that was that. I managed to keep all the hate inside for myself, I think I was so drunk that I was convinced I really didnt care.

Shortly after this conversation I started seeing someone else in my attempts to try and move on. I explained to this girl that we can only ever be friends and I cant give her the things she wants... but still she wanted to be with me and so we were. I guess my ex hears about this and the next time I see her at the bar she comes over and is all grinding up on me. Then she kisses me and I blacked out... but fortunitely my friends were around to restrain me. Everytime I see her at the bar she touches me like were going out and acts like were the best of friends. I feel so sorry for her boyfriend... But still I love her. or hate her... i dont know.

I broke up with that other girl after a few months, because im really not ready to be in a relationship. Im not stable enough and Im depressed. The last time I was truly happy was when I thought I was in love. These days I just try to drink my regrets and memories of her away. Slowly Im forgetting everything I used to know and who I used to be, but whenever I go to sleep I dream of her and I remember what it used to feel like to be happy. She haunts me. I spend all day long trying to forget but when I go to sleep I remember everything about her so much so that it scares me. My heart won't let her go. Sometimes I want to die. Shes a terrible person, but who am I to say that when I sit and do nothing for the things I love. I dont know what to do anymore, its been close to 2 years since we broke up and spoke sober. I miss her so much. I feel like the only thing I can do is sit and wait for her, or try to replace her... but it isnt fair to these other girls. What can I do? What should I do? Whats the right thing to do?

I will say i enjoyed reading the story. Im in a realtionship right now that i think might get this way. But im only 14...

What i think you should do.... is confront her. Find her and confront her Sober of course. The worse thing you could do is sit around and act depressed when you know there is something you could do. Now the hard part is is that you actually have to have the courage to do it.

I think if you talk with her sobery ( if thats a word ), and maturely at a point were she isnt all on you. If you do talk, talk about how you still love her, want to b e with her, and wish for her to change back to how she was in the younger years.

Then again she could be a very very bad person and be the worst thing for you. But this i dont know and only you know. But for right now you need to confront her. tell her how you feel and maybe things could still work out.
You said its been 2 years sense you have broken up. I suggest you act like nothing has ever happen and try to start off ner with her.

Use the old guy talk like... if you see her in a bar.. go up to her and buy her a drink or something and tell her how nice she looks for no one with her. Actu causal... but most important. Dont bring up the ealier years... then a fight might occur.

You hear what im saying?

Mind...turning that story into a few detailed, to the point sentences? Then I might try to help.

Colby has a point, but i believe he is wrong with the whole talking thing, watever u do dont try to b with her cuz this girl is not right 4 guys and doesnt deserve a relationship.....this is as low as a girl can go! The best and only thing you'll ever get out of her is to b used or cheated on, she is a slut/bitch, and a control freak, wat i suggest is that u stay as faar away from her as possible and do ANYTHING (some exceptions) 2 forget about her............. besides its actually hard to give advice about this stuff cuz its not everyday you read a really depressing story that sounds like it came from hell or hollywood......... but if you do talk to her STAY SOBER or she will try to "get in your pants"
best of luck 2 u ~Stephan~

Thanks for the input so far guys.

Lately I've cut back drastically on the drinkin and going to the bar, so its been a couple months since I saw her last. I think if I had given it up all together it'd be over a year since we bumped into eachother and I'm not so sure how things would have played out when we finally did. But my friends wouldn't have any of that nonsense (they drink a lot) and so I'm in the position I am. Sometimes I think I won't ever see her again and we weren't meant to be, however I still miss her and dream about her almost every night. I never thought I'd get the chance to say the things I should have and put her in her place... but when I did I was drunk and totally blew it. She thinks I don't care anymore and seems happy with her new boyfriend, but when she touches me and when our eyes meet at the bar she looks at me the way she used to. So basically I have gone about things the way Colby suggested pretending like nothing happened and Im the happiest guy in town... this is why she acts the way she does and carries on. She's never appologized for anything, shes rich, gorgeous, popular and somehow managed to rise above trivial things like right and wrong.

Stephan if I could forget about her I would in a second, I'd eat poop if I was garaunteed it would make me forget. Drugs only seem to help the situation when Im under their influence, but in the end they've only made things worse. Other girls dig me and oddly enough seem to even more so when I let them in to the mess thats become my life, but eventually I push them away. Its not that I dont care about them, but my heart lies elsewhere... it isn't fair that I keep them around when I dream about this girl the way I do and I miss her the way I do.

Im tired of wasting the days away pretending to be happy and better off without her, sure she isn't perfect and she treats me like petrified dog poop... but when it was just me and her I've never felt happier. Back when things weren't so screwed up... I always told her that I'd wait for her for forever and that I'd always love her even if she was with someone else. I just wish I was a big enough person to stand by my word and not get caught up in all the bullshit. I want her to know that I love her still and I'd do anything to be with her and that I really don't care about anything else anymore. Im just unsure of what the right thing to do is. All I really wanted is for her to be happy and maybe the best way for me to do that is to just stay away, maybe shes really happy with her new boyfriend... or maybe Im making a huge mistake. All I know is that I keep dreaming of her, after 2 years broken up... and going months without seeing her, I go to sleep and there she is. In my dreams shes everything I've tried so hard to forget. I hope I get another chance to make things right... but the only time I see her is at the bar. If I ever do get the opportunity sober, Im going to start from square one and go from there, the past seems too mangled to salvage.

Thanks again for the advice guys, if things go my way and I get to see her anywhere else other then in my head I'll let you know how things went.

I know how it is man. Just stick through it. Im 14 so i dont exactly know everything but i think if you stay strong, willing etc. etc. things WILL go your way. You have to be patient though. God puts us through things for a certain reason that isnt clear till the end. When its the end we end up loving what we went through.

So maybe all these hard times have been for the good and not the bad. But i suggtest that you tsya strong. Dont try to forget her if you still love her. IF you do... it will make things worse i think. Becuase when you do... you see the bad...

So stya strong.. and we are always here for you