Struggle with hidden addiction...help?

I'm not usuallu one to get advice form others but my therapist says its worth a try so on that note: i'm megan, i'm 16 years old and i've struggled with addiction and depression since i was 10. when my mom died i didn't know how to deal so i started cutting, at first it was only once and awhile and then it became more than once a day. when i was 11 i developed svere bulimia and anorexia, i was high out of my mind, and terrible thoughts always raced through my head. when i was 14 i was in an abusive relationship and was raped. that day i attempted suicide...and a week later OD. then my parents learned my secrets..........it's been 2 years since then. my boyfriend has played a major role in keeping me clean, i haven't touched drugs in over 2 years, i eat better, i see a therapist for my depression, but i suffer from PTSD, anxiety, and depression so my desire to cut and do drugs is always there. i can't tell my boyfriend that every night i go home and wish i could cut myself or do drugs but i don't know what to do. got any ideas of how to deal?

Yes you can tell your boyfriend that, and hopefully he will understand. hes your boyfriend he will help you through it, talk to him, open up to him.

I cannot say that those desires are ever going to go away because eventhough I have not cut or drank in years, the desire can still creep in. It is not as bad as it used to be because I have found support groups and such who have provided me with lots of great coping skills, but it is never 100% gone. I have actually learned that eventhough sometimes I find myself drifting into that past, it makes me feel so good when I make it through that day without giving in to that weakness.

Alternatives to Self-Harm

So what do I do instead?
You can increase the chances that a distraction/substitution will help calm the urge to self- injure by matching what you do to how you are feeling at the moment.

First, take a few moments and look behind the urge. What are you feeling? Are you angry? Frustrated? Restless? Sad? Craving the feeling of SI? Depersonalized and unreal or numb? Unfocused? Next, match the activity to the feeling. A few examples:

Angry, frustrated, restless

(These strategies work better sometimes if you talk to the object you are cutting/ tearing/ hitting. Start slowly, explaining why you're hurt and angry. It's okay if you end up ranting or yelling; it can help a lot to vent feelings that way.)
Try something physical and violent, something not directed at a living thing:

Slash an empty plastic soda bottle or a piece of heavy cardboard or an old shirt or sock.
Make a soft cloth doll to represent the things you are angry at. Cut and tear it instead of yourself.
Flatten aluminum cans for recycling, seeing how fast you can go.
Hit a punching bag.
Use a pillow to hit a wall, pillow-fight style.
Rip up an old newspaper or phone book.
On a sketch or photo of yourself, mark in red ink what you want to do. Cut and tear the picture.
Make Play-Doh or Sculpey or other clay models and cut or smash them.
Get a few packages of Silly-Putty or some physical therapy putty and squeeze it, bounce it off a wall, stretch it and then snap it.
Throw ice into the bathtub or against a brick wall hard enough to shatter it.
Break sticks.
Crank up some music and dance.
Clean your room (or your whole house).
Go for a walk/ jog/ run.
Stomp around in heavy shoes.
Play handball or tennis.

Sad, soft, melancholy, depressed, unhappy

Do something slow and soothing, like taking a hot bath with bath oil or bubbles, curling up under a comforter with hot cocoa and a good book, babying yourself somehow.
Do whatever makes you feel taken care of and comforted.
Light sweet-smelling incense.
Listen to soothing music.
Smooth nice body lotion into the parts of yourself you want to hurt.
Call a friend and just talk about things that you like.
Make a tray of special treats and tuck yourself into bed with it and watch TV or read.
Visit a friend.

Craving sensation, feeling depersonalized, dissociating, feeling unreal ?

Do something that creates a sharp physical sensation:
Squeeze ice hard (this really hurts). (Note: putting ice on a spot you want to burn gives you a strong painful sensation and leaves a red mark afterward, kind of like burning would.)
Put a finger into a frozen food (like ice cream) or put ice, water, and salt in a pitcher and put your hand in it for a few seconds.
Bite into a hot pepper or chew a piece of gingerroot.
Rub liniment under your nose.
Slap a tabletop hard.
Snap your wrist with a rubber band.
Take a cold bath.
Stomp your feet on the ground.
Focus on how it feels to breathe. Notice the way your chest and stomach move with each breath.

Wanting focus

Do a task (a computer game like Tetris, writing a computer program, needlework, etc.) that is exacting and requires focus and concentration.

Eat a raisin mindfully. Pick it up, noticing how it feels in your hand. Look at it carefully; see the asymmetries and think about the changes the grape went through. Roll the raisin in your fingers and notice the texture; try to describe it. Bring the raisin up to your mouth, paying attention to how it feels to move your hand that way. Smell the raisin; what does it remind you of? How does a raisin smell? Notice that you're beginning to salivate, and see how that feels. Open your mouth and put the raisin in, taking time to think about how the raisin feels to your tongue. Chew slowly, noticing how the texture and even the taste of the raisin change as you chew it. Are there little seeds or stems? How is the inside different from the outside? Finally, swallow.

Choose an object in the room. Examine it carefully and then write as detailed a description of it as you can. Include everything: size, weight, texture, shape, color, possible uses, feel, etc.

Choose a random object, like a paper clip, and try to list 30 different uses for it.

Pick a subject and research it on the web.

Wanting to see blood

Draw on yourself with a red felt-tip pen.
Take a small bottle of liquid red food coloring and warm it slightly by dropping it into a cup of hot water for a few minutes. Uncap the bottle and press its tip against the place you want to cut. Draw the bottle in a cutting motion while squeezing it slightly to let the food color trickle out.
Draw on the areas you want to cut using ice that you've made by dropping six or seven drops of red food color into each of the ice-cube tray wells.
Paint on yourself with red tempera paint or a red lip-liner pen.

Wanting to see scars or pick scabs

Get a henna tattoo kit. You put the henna on as a paste and leave it overnight; the next day you can pick it off as you would a scab and it leaves an orange-red mark behind.
Another thing that helps sometimes is the fifteen-minute game. Tell yourself that if you still want to harm yourself in 15 minutes, you can. When the time is up, see if you can go another 15.

Developing a support circle

Article: A Wellness Tool Developing and Keeping a Circle of Support
by Mary Ellen Copeland
When you begin developing your Wellness Recovery Action Plan, you develop a list of wellness tools to be used in planning how you will keep yourself feeling well every day and how you will help yourself to feel better when you begin to feel badly. One of the most important wellness tools for many people is spending time with people you enjoy. They have found that regular contact with family members and friends who are supportive keeps them well. They have even found that telling another person how they feel when they don't feel well can help them to feel better. This column will discuss the issue of support and describe things you can do to build yourself a strong circle of friends and supporters.
You may feel that you don't have any supportive people in your life, or that you have so few of these people that you feel lonely much of the time. You may feel that your lack of support and loneliness makes you feel sad or depressed some or most of the time. This problem may be worse if you live by yourself. Most people agree that they would benefit from having at least five close friends and supporters in their life that they really enjoy.
Everyone needs and wants to have friends. They enrich your life. They make you feel good about yourself and about being alive. Friends are especially helpful when you need special attention and care. A good friend is someone who:
you like, respect and trust, and who likes, respect and trust you
accepts and likes you as you are, even as you grow and change
listens to you and shares with you, both the good and the bad
you can tell anything to and know they will not betray your confidence
lets you express your feelings and emotions, and does not judge, tease or criticize
gives you good advice when you ask for it, assists you in taking action that will help you feel better, and works with you to figure out what to do next when you are having a hard time.
lets you help them when they need it
you want to be with, (but you aren't obsessed about being with them)
doesn't ever take advantage of you
You can probably think of some other attributes you would like from your friends.
You will find that some friends meet some needs and others meet other needs. Don't expect one friend to meet all of your needs for friendship and support. Appreciate your friends for the things you like about them and don't try to change them to better meet your needs.
Make a list of the people in your life that you feel closest to - those people who you would turn to in times of need. Is there something you could do to improve your relationships with these people? You could invite them to your home to visit, share a meal, play a game, watch a video, or share some other activity. You could do something nice for them or visit them when they are having a hard time.
Developing New Friendships
How do you reach out to others to establish friendships? This is not an easy task. You may find that you would feel more comfortable staying at home than going to an activity where you can meet other people. Almost everyone feels this way. Try to ignore those feeling and get out to activities in the community where you can meet other people - people with whom you might develop closer connections.
Meet potential friends and supporters by:
Attending a support group. It could be a group for people who have similar health issues or life challenges, or a group for of people of the same age or sex.
Going to community events, taking a course, joining a church or civic group.
Volunteering. Strong connections are often formed when people are working together on projects of mutual interest and concern.
Some friendships develop casually. You may be hardly aware that your relationship with the other person is getting closer and more comfortable. More often it takes some special effort on someone's part to help the relationship grow. You could do this by:
asking the person whom you like to join you for coffee or lunch, to go for a walk or to do something together you both enjoy;

calling the person on the phone to share something you think they might be interested in;

sending a short, friendly e-mail and see if they respond;

talking with them when you see them about something of interest to both of you;

helping the person with a project you are both interested in.
You may be able to think of some other enjoyable activity that the two of you could share. Go slowly. This will give you a chance to decide if this is really a person you want for a friend. And others may be intimidated if you "come on too strong". As you both enjoy each other more the friendship deepens. Notice how you feel about yourself when you are with the other person. If you feel good about yourself, you may be on the road to a fulfilling friendship.
Keeping Friendships Strong
Keeping your friendships strong needs consistent attention from you. There are many things you can do to help keep your friendships strong.
In addition, if you feel ready, you could become further involved if you choose to by:
1. Like yourself. If you don't like yourself, don't feel that you have any value or don't think others will like you, you will have a hard time reaching out to people who may become friends.
2. Enjoy spending time alone. People who enjoy spending time alone and are not desperate to have people around all the time make better friends. Being desperate can drive others away from you. Fill time alone with activities you enjoy and that enrich your life. Perhaps a pet would help.
3. Have a variety of interests. Develop interests in lots of different things that make you an interesting person for others to be with.
4. Friendships must be mutual. Be there for your friends as much as they are there for you.
5. Listen and share equally. Listen closely to what the other person is saying. Avoid thinking about what your response is going to be while the person is talking. If a person is sharing something intense and personal, give them your full attention. Don't share an "I can top that" story. Be willing to listen to your friend share the details of a difficult time over and over again - until they have "gotten it out of their system".
6. Communicate as openly as you can. Tell your friends what you need and want and ask them what they want and need from you. Do not share so much information about details that the other person gets bored. Watch the response you are getting from the person or people you are talking to so you can know if this is the right time to be sharing this, or the right subject for this person.
7. Avoid giving advice unless it is requested.
8. Never make fun of what the other person thinks or feels. Avoid judging, criticizing, teasing or sarcasm.
9. Never betray the confidence of a friend. Have a mutual understanding that anything the two of you discuss that is personal is absolutely confidential, that you will not share personal information about each other with other people.
10. Have a good time. Spend most of your time with your friends doing fun, interesting activities together.
11. Stay in Touch. Keep regular contact with your friends and supporters, even when things are going well.
12. Don't overwhelm the person with phone calls or other kinds of contact. Use your intuition and common sense to determine when to call and how often. Don't ever call late at night or early in the morning until you both have agreed to be available to each other in case of emergency (such as if one of you is sick or has gotten some very bad news).
13. Know and honor each other's boundaries. People commonly set limits or boundaries around things like the amount of time and place of getting together, the kind and frequency of shared activities, phone call time limits - time of day, frequency and length, amount and kind of support given, connection with other family members, and the amount of physical touch. Say "no" to anything you don't want. You have the right to ask for what you need, want and deserve.
Problems In Relationships
If a difficult situation comes up in your relationship with a friend, you will both have to use your resourcefulness to resolve the situation and keep the friendship strong. Some things you might try, depending on the situation, include:
talking with the other person by describing how you feel rather than making an assumption about how the other person feels;
working with your friend to develop a plan for resolving the situation that includes the steps each of you are going to take and when you are going to take them;
asking yourself what is really happening and deciding on solutions that will work for you;
being clear with yourself and with your friends about your boundaries, saying "no" when necessary.
Ending A Friendship
You may want to end a relationship with another person if circumstances arise that you cannot tolerate or there are issues that cannot be resolved. Some good reasons to end a friendship would be if the other person shares personal information about you with others, does all the talking and no listening, violates your boundaries, puts others or you down, teases, ridicules, "badmouths" friends and family, lies or is dishonest, wants you to be their friend only, wants you to spend all your time with them, wants to always know where you are and who you are with, doesn't want to be seen with you in public, is clingy or very needy, talks inappropriately about sex or personal matters, asks questions that make you feel uncomfortable, asks for risky favors, engages in illegal behavior or is physically, emotionally or sexually abusive.
You may be tempted to pursue a relationship with someone even though they treat you or others badly. However, it is better not to have a certain friend than to have them treat you badly.
In Conclusion
The process of developing and keeping a circle of support goes on for as long as you live. I hope this column has been helpful to you in figuring out what you need to do next. Proceed slowly. Take small steps so you don't become overwhelmed. You may want to begin writing about your efforts in a journal. Later you can read about your progress and honor yourself for your efforts.

I wish i could tell my boyfrined that but i'm scared...i lost my last boyfriend to my issues...he didn't wanna deal and i'm just scared he'll give up on me too.

If your boyfriend has stuck by you and kept you clean, then i think he will understand that, hes your boyfriend, hes there to help you, your there to help him

Good point bubble popper...lol...i like your name. i guess its more about me not wanting to admit that its all still a problem for me

Noone wants to admit that, but its better than thinking about it to only yourself, if you talked to him about it you might feel better, like, your not carrying all this around by yourself anymore.

Wow, you really have got it bad. Well i'm in no place to be giving advice right now, but i just wanna say well done, for getting through all this, its really admirable how a person can have so many problems and still stay strong.

Good luck

XxX

She hasnt got it bad shes got it good, she gave it up but she has thoughts, so what she has thoughts? everyone has thoughts about things, atleast shes not doing it..

If your boyfriend sohuld understand
but if you really dont want to tell him then dont
have you cutt or taken drugs since you OD'ed?

The big problem is i relapse...not to drugs but to cutting....i get overwhelmed and do it anyways...i know its wrong but i do.

Let your boyfriend know about your desires about cutting. I had been a cutter since i was about 9 and i still have desires to cut. When i told my boyfriend be made a good attempt to help me. Even when i tried to commit suicide a couple months ago. If he loves you like you say, then he'll understand and he'll try to help.

Thank you.

Craving sensation, feeling depersonalized, dissociating, feeling unreal ?

Do something that creates a sharp physical sensation:
Squeeze ice hard (this really hurts). (Note: putting ice on a spot you want to burn gives you a strong painful sensation and leaves a red mark afterward, kind of like burning would.)
Put a finger into a frozen food (like ice cream) or put ice, water, and salt in a pitcher and put your hand in it for a few seconds.
Bite into a hot pepper or chew a piece of gingerroot.
Rub liniment under your nose.
Slap a tabletop hard.
Snap your wrist with a rubber band.
Take a cold bath.
Stomp your feet on the ground.

Wanting to see scars or pick scabs

Get a henna tattoo kit. You put the henna on as a paste and leave it overnight; the next day you can pick it off as you would a scab and it leaves an orange-red mark behind.
Another thing that helps sometimes is the fifteen-minute game. Tell yourself that if you still want to harm yourself in 15 minutes, you can. When the time is up, see if you can go another 15.

ISn't that all still self-harm. You are hurting yoursef on purpose!