Anyone wanna give me some ideas???

This poem is not done yet, i'm wondering if im just beating a dead horse and if this is too "cliche" I'm not really sure where its going but if anyone can point out anything in it to help me out It be great. I figured id post it because I dont want any stupid comments or ratings ect. This really just came into my head and I thought about it for a couple hours before I even typed it out. ironically I was sitting in church so yeah ill stop going on about it but PLEASE tell me what you think it would mean alot.

keys played heavy
there is sorrow in her voice
overburdened she cries
this was not her choice

she plays for hours
not even glancing down
here her heart is free
she plays her own sounds

loneliness cant convey it
her dark eyes cant conceal
anyone passing could tell
the anguish within was real

a shapeless figure joins her
a presence fills the building
as I watched I felt chills
in terror I saw it join her singing

the two voices blended
she played even louder
the being took form
with wings large and feathered

silently I stood there
watching numb to anything else
there was a closeness to her
pulling me towards what I had never felt

this "angel" hovered above her
never pulling his eyes away
their matching eyes so dark
but their was a beauty that remained

All too soon it was over
this ballad they had performed
for the angel left her side
so majestic, headed for the door

slowly I looked closer
tears were streaming down her face
what happened to her
this girl so far from grace

The ending of the poem is powerful; good job.

within was real
^ Shouldn't that be 'is' because this is all present tense.

And, punctuation would help a through-out it with the flow, though the flow is quite nice.

Other than those two things, this is an amazing poem. :D

It wasn't for me but you know people are different and obviously so many people would disagree with me. One of the few poems I finished on here I'll give you that.

Why must you pursue more, when the words themselves speak volumes. Sometimes, when the feelings come on then off just as quick, then the poem finishes itself. nothing more need be said, this poem is powerful.

I agree with the coice words u used we are able to imagine her and the angel great job