Release the Pressure

(Australia)

My mother has a habit of yelling at me and making me feel worthless. She calls me names like:

- a bitch
- selfish
- spoilt little brat
- pathetic bastard
- etc....

SHe's also started this thing we're I'm gaining weight and everytim i go to get something to eat she says 'watch your thighs'

And i told her i was in a band and all she could say was are you goo enough? can you handle it?Despite her I still am in this band but have become fairly nervous about it.

The list honestly just goes and goes. Today though we had one of the biggest fights for a while. Again screaming and calling me names but I had done nothing wrong. She always puts pressure on me about my horse, Abbey, who happens to be my lifeline. She costs $25 a week to feed. Now my mother has a habit of saying I don't ever do anyting for her and never earn the money for her feed. I am 15 and I'm searching for a job frantically but my luck doesn't seem to stretch so far. I apply everywhere but nothing comes of it. So basically every single day of my life I'm either tidying, sweeping, mopping or cooking. But it is never enough.

I admit i do back chat soetimes but today i was so scared of her yelling i just stood their and cried. Then finally out of fear i locked myself in the bathroom. She had been downstairs throwing and breaking things and I couldn't stop the tears.

My boyfriend onyl ever suggests that i seek child services help. This I am not willing to do. Because it is posible i may be sent to foster care.

I can't tlak to my mother either because it's obviouslynot her fault to her mind. I mean whos going to just up and blame themselves!!!

anyway please help I know this is a long post but you could save my life. I'm a cutter and I don't know what stopped me from commiting today....

Thanks for the advice. they usually tell us if there are any jobs

Get some help. Talk to your school councillor or someone else outside your family. I can't really give any advice beside I was in that sort of situation a few years ago and I took of. It didn't help at all so I don't suggest you do that.

My horse isnt at my house and is 30 minutes away so thats kind of hard to do

What stopped you is called a conscience. Obviously you don't ACTUALLY want to die. Your horse is your lifeline? Not your boyfriend? Your friends? Hmm.

Maybe, now I know this seems kind of...far-fetched...given your situation, but talk to her. When she's sitting, not yelling, just try to talk to her and tell her how you feel.

Now don't snap back at that suggestion because my Mother is the same way as yours. Everything is always about my failures, but when I talk to her and tell her how it's hurting me, she tries to stop.

And all you can do is try. If YOU really want help, you'll seek it. Your boyfriend suggested counselling, or child services care, and you didn't want to..afraid of being taken away to foster care? Doesn't happen that easily. I've been to therapy, they know a lot of my home life, and I was never taken away. The therapist just talked to my parents; that's it.

But again, it doesn't seem as though you really WANT the help, if you did you would be in therapy right now. But STOP cutting yourself. It does no good, sure it is a release, but you write..use that as your escape. When you and your Mom are fighting, instead of listening to her throw things and locking yourself in the bathroom, go for a walk. Go for a jog. Do pilates, do yoga. Read. Go for a bath. But DO NOT pick up a blade and cut. That is not the right way to cure your problems, it just causes more.