Where do you turn to?

Recently.... Nevermind.... for the past 5 years, my life had gone from a blissful enjoyment to dreadful days. The knowledge of me being a "bastard" as to my "father" leaving me when I was three weeks old. That was at about age 11. Abuse from when i was age 10 to when i finally could fight back... Supressed memories from even 6-7 when iwas beat.... and then the shame and distress from being pretty much shunned by a family's love throughout my life. The fact that when someone asks, "well he's yours isnt he," (my step-dad, for pretty much my whole life) finds joy in admitting he isn't the father of me. Typical highschool drama, hate, heartbreak, death, it all hit me, constantly and constantly, simultaneously, over and over...

Acting like everythings ok, being as stupid to think a sharp blade could balance out pain and torture throughout my whole life. That inferior pills could destroy history that so nearly distroyed me...

Where do you turn to? When no one's left that ever cared?

That depends on you dude. Do you have the will, do you have the fight, whats your goal in life, are you okay being lonely ready to fight for a chance to stay in there for another chance, you dont turn anywhere you believe and live for another chance at hapiness and someone there, you fight for yourself and your future people.

I've lost pretty much all will, i've fought for so long just to try to keep my head above the water. Life has thrown so much at me, even just recently, and for the most part i've dealt with it. Happiness, I can't find it anymore, it's gone completely from my life. And the only fear of fighting longer is to find out it was useless and did more harm than any good.

Everyone says that you have to stay alive if not for yourself than for someone else... well that's not the case for me, the way i see it, if they abandon you in your time of need, than obviously your life means nothing to them... I attempted to OD last night actually, and for an hour i had spent throwing up everything in my stomach... Even when i was taking the pills and ready to die, my mindset never changed, it had been what i wanted, and nothing could hold me back, except for my god damn immune system

See it wouldnt kill you because you truly dont know me, you dont know me as a person, just a guy on p&q. I understand that i need someone there for me, but it has to be someone i can interact with day by day.

My life hasnt gotten better no, but it has gotten a hell of a lot worse. It slowly starts to seem like it would be gettin better, but instead it crashes down even further... everytime i think i've hit rockbottom i fall through the floor even more.

Don't worry, and i know you are probably really tired of hearing the whole hold on schpiel. Have you tried talking to a guidance counselor? they are always there when you need them and on a day to day basis. they can help you, and if you ever wanna talk, just PM me. My best friend has gone through much of what you have, and I was d and my dad abuses me, and my birthday was skipped this year, but my guidance counselor is my lifeline, and if you dont wanna live then fine, dont, im not going to stop you, but before you do, just think, what are you doing, why are you doing it, can anything be done to help, how would my friends react, or my teachers, or my school? the most unpopular killed herself at my school and everyone mourned for her, and it was all catty s and snobbish guys. trust me, just take a deep breath and think.

Hon, you may want to die right now, and feel like nothing is worth it,. but years later, maybe 2, maybe 22 there will be someone, some thing in life you are herefor, whether its to love someone, save someone, do something amazing. you dont know. no one does. so dont kill yourself when theres so much left you can do, ive been through a hell of a lot as well, and attempted suicide a few times.. but i realzied hey, theres one thing i want to do in my life- prove everyone wrong. prove i CAN survive, and im stronger than giving up, that and to get the hell out of this jacked up town.

find your purpose, and until then dont give in, find a way to get away. whether it be music, poetry, or even SI-ing. b/c that can help, whether its a horrid thing to do or not. it relieves stress, so who cares! its not like your going to slit your wrists, it makes it so you dont have to.

anyways. just stay, dont give up.

(wow i feel like one of those speaker people.. )

If you wanna talk. pm. im here to listen and to help- and to tell you to stop overreacting and acting like an EMO kid, if need be. =]

PS i love your name. =]

The thing is ive tried to keep going for years, but everytime something gets better, it drops to the point where i can barely stand it even more..

Most of us here have been there and done that.
it all gets better eventually. but if you wanna live for something live for all of us here on P&Q. because, believe it or not, we are all so close knit with helping each other it would be a devastation if you werent here anymore, you might not think much of it now, but we would miss you.

Me talk to me pm and ill try to help you a little babe :D

I've never quit on anythin or anyone. But i don't know what to do, when it feels like everyone here has quit on me. The only person I could talk to about this hasn't said more than 3 words to me in a week. And i can't rely on a website where i can't access it every day and be able to get help. I dont need a psych telling me what they "think" is wrong with me, I need someone here i can talk to. But that isn't going to happen because where i live people have this complete different idea of me, and the thought of showing them another side, could mean a whole lot of problems for everyone.

Its just the fact that i've held on for a week or two since i've posted this, and things have continuously gotten worse, very quickly... and it doesn't seem like there's any chance of it getting better.

CHEER UP...

I was dropped off at someones house my mom knew and was abused for 16 years,and carry that with me for life,you are the only one that can make your life any better and felling sorry for yourself doesn't cut it, you have to hold your head up and be the better man,are you to will become just like them that did it to you, so cheer up and make your life better for you. No one can help you but your self now that you are grown, so look at like this ,there are a lot of kids out there that had it and still have it worse than you ever thought about.