3 years on...Still Impossible

I didn't even notice the date. I had too much going on both bad and good to even glance at a calendar. But next week is the three year mark since I was hurt seually by my then boyfriend at the time who said over and over that it was an accident and that he didn 't know what was happening. I hadn't been raped but I was still a 14 year old girl who had had enough hell and would go through more through the years.

I felt like I had to protect the guy who hurt me, though we talk now somewhat, I hated him at the time and the pain he put me through. The rumors that I had been raped I found out had been going on for over two years. That people felt sorry for me and that was why nobody asked me if they were true. That my ex's friends still talk bad about me such as right before prom at my new school I found out people at my old school were sayin, "Did you F*ck her? Did you screw her rotten?" to my ex. Th eony thing that kept me together when I heard that was the thought that I was going to prom with a great friend that week.

I went through high anxiety/panic attacks. I didn't trust people I didn't know well or thought would not hurt me. At one point smacked a guy hard on the head in class last year for being extremely close. Today a friend of mine asked me out...I'm afraid of one day having to tell him all this. Of even starting a relationship. I'm scared.

If he's trustworthy, you'll most likely warm up to it and feel comfortable telling him, if not, you've not fully dealt with it, are finding it hard to trust, or you two aren't close enough.
x

I'm still getting to know him but this new guy is so sweet. I think he's trust worthy to tell one day and I should except the few people who knew have either stopped talking to me completely or changed the subject when I needed to discuss it or even have forgotten completely. I've been trying to deal on my own without therapy, without parents knowing the details exactly, without really anybody.

Oh honey!
I learnt the hard way that not telling anybody can hurt so much more in the long run.
I really hope that one day you feel strong enough to tell a close friend or family member, they can help you if you just reach out, but i also understand why you feel you can't. Take all the time you need sweets.
I always have an ear if you feel like venting
Take care
*Gem*