My fiances death

About 3 months ago my fiance committed suicide. I'm struggling so much with it. My family and friends were all supportive the first few days after it happened. Once the funeral was over they all had to go back to their lives. But I've been so depressed that I was forced to drop out of college for the time being and quit work. Because I simply cannot concentrate on that much for a long time before I go into a deep depression again for days. Anyways, now things are tough. My friends and family expect me to be getting better by now. and they're all getting angry with me. I feel deserted. I feel alone.

Coming to this site has been nice. I like reading some of the sad poems and comparing them to how I feel.

"My friends and family expect me to be getting better by now" are they insane ........ most people would never forget something like this. I feel for you and you must work through this yourself, but if they are really your friends they will know how youring feeling.

My heart goes out to you

Thank-you. i think a lot of my friends and family don't know what to tell me since it didn't happen directly to them. They can't quite understand. My family says often "well how he we make this better and make this go away" when i mention that I'm depressed. and it's like they think it's so simple.

I, myself, do not know how to get better. And the scary part is, I don't know if I want to.

"And the scary part is, I don't know if I want to."

Depression can be an addiction and this is how I felt fifteen years ago. Its also how I feel today. Don't do this its not worth the rest of your life. Be strong and fight otherwise you will look back one day and realise your life ended with his. If you find comfort in not feeling anymore you might as well have died with him. Im sure he wouldn't have wanted that

You're right. I may as well have died with him. And thats now what I want. to die.

Lyndsy, I know.

Many years ago I let someone kill themselves, someone I hardly knew, but I could have saved him. Several times I've gone out of my way to put myself in a position to end the pain. I'm not saying your going to get over this, what Im saying is if you try one day you will learn to cope.

You need to get to that place, and wanting to get there is the problem because your brain won't let you think .............. I bet your minds working overtime but your not getting answers, just grief.

You should seek out someone who can give you profession mental healthcare via your doctor. (I was forced to go kicking and screaming basically, but it helped me turn that corner.

If you cant face that,some of the moderators on here are pretty nice people and have a few years of advice. (sherry I think is one, not sure , but if she's the one Im thinking of shes pretty level headed and nice)

Dont give up on hope

I am seeing a therapist and a doctor. doesn't help. :-(

Hey, the most important thing right now is don't try to kill yourself to solve your probs. ok.. ^^
I know how sad it is, but you must be strong.. ^^

I know. it's just very difficult. especially when i miss him so much.

I don't know why he brought you into his life if this was all he could do in the end. Maybe he thought you were his last chance, the last hope he had. But in the end realizing that he could olny bring you down. He thought it better to go away then let you "suffer" being with him. I only say this becasue I've pushed away others so they wouldn't have to deal with me. This in the end might not help you, I just hope it shines some light on maybe what he was thinking.

I'm not sure if I have posted this already. But, he was living with muscular dystrophy. For the most part, it wasn't entirely bad. He had a lot of shoulder problems because he was missing some muscles. And when he smiled he couldnt really show his teeth because of it. But he could walk and looked just like everyone else. Only a few days before he took his life, he went to the doctors because the pains in his back and legs were getting worse. The doctors told him that within 5 years he'd be in a wheelchair.

We always knew that this may be a possibility one day but only a year ago they told him he probably wouldn't be in one until he was about 50. So 26 years old and 50 is a huge difference.

He always apologized to me for his illness. Cause he couldn't always lift heavy things. He apologized for not being the perfect man. He knew though that I loved him and it didn't effect me and I thought he was perfect no matter what.

Anyways, there is a little information on why he probably did it.

Not to mention the morning OF, his dad told him he didnt want him to marry me. And wanted him to choose me or them.

::Sigh::

In the end he wanted you to know he loved you, he just thought he couldn't be with you.....or so I think.

Actually, I know he loved me. Right before he did it, he sent me a text message that said, "I am so sorry honey. I love you. And goodbye"

it doesn't stop me from missing him terribly though. and wanting to end my misery.

Misery sadly is a part of life, everyone must suffer....some say its gods way.

My prays go out to you in this time of need

Thank-you so much. I appreciate it. I need all the prayers I can get.

I think that many people would say that he was a coward for doing what he did. But I say that he's not, I think he had his own reasons for doing what he did and leaving you. But I bet right now we should all lend our prayers to him for finally finding his solace in death.

But as for you Lynsey, yes your fiancee died but I don't think you need other people to pity you (And although they may not admit it, they do) for your situation. I think what you need is to grieve for a respectable amount of time, and get on with life. Because life is so short...

I am sorry for your loss...

I beleave he saw his muscular dystrophy as something that would ruin your life in the long term. And maybe he couldn't do that or live without you.

Try to get through this and start again. Never...never forget him because I think he did what he thought was best for you.

I think I agree with you. :-( But I wish it didnt come down to that. *sigh*

I some ways I think he would have been thinking about ending his life for a long time. And although your hurt now,I think he did the right thing for the right reasons.

I see a comparison in some ways with my girlfriend. I wont risk my depression on her, no matter how much its tearing me apart. For you fiance it was much more clean cut decision wise.

he probably didn't comprehend how badly you would feel, but I think he made the right decision.
In the end the test will be if you can pick you life up and find happyness again.

Put yourself in his shoes for a moment, I would have done exactly the same.

Ok, so if you think he made the right decision, why cant I make the same one? I'm only say it because, he was my world. I loved him so much. I still do. He was my best friend. Now that he's gone, I have friends, but none that I can talk to the way I did with him. I'm miserable. I see his friends and even family and they are all coping much better than I am. All I do is make people angry or make them depressed because of how I am. I really don't want to live a life that is without him. Everything reminds me of him.. and it hurts. Right now I should be planning my wedding. Instead, I am inside my house crying myself to sleep every night. My friends cant even do anything with me..cause everything reminds me of him.

^^I totally understand how you feel, I lost a loved one as well...You have the right to mourn however way you wish...But there will come a time when you will move on...I hope you truly find the peace you seek...

What if I dont want to move on? its hard to explain, I just feel that i shouldnt

That you shouldn't or that you don't want too? Do you feel this is your end? That life has nothing more for you?

I dont want to move on. Id feel like that was betraying him. I know that probably doesnt make sense. I definitely dont want to.

I know LOGICALLY life has more for me... but I just dont want it.

You're fiancee died...And so will many others Lynsey...The feeling your having now will definitely pass, a feeling of depression and anxiety all rolled up into one.

But you need some time to actually mourn for your loved one...Just take some time off and spend it alone and actually reflect on what you are feeling...Ok!

Its hard to move on after feeling so much pain, not know if it will end. Was he your everything? If so then who were you before you met him?

Yes, he was my everything. Before I met him, I was reckless with my life. I was still pretty much who I am today, but I was trying to figure out who I was. Not that I have completely done that yet. When I met him I was just starting to see some purpose to my life. Like I was starting to see what I was suppose to do with my life. And he was suppose to be by my side. I never had many supportive people in my life. But then he came along.

At first, I thought.. I'll still do all I wanted to do... in his memory. But when I think more about it, I get sick to my stomach. I had so many dreams. We talked about doing so many things. We had dates planned for all the things we were gonna do. We already had my next birthday planned. Which isnt until November. So now I'm just lost.

We can't really decide what to do with ourselves, wether thats to move on or give up, until we see who we really are. Your lost, it hurts and you want it to stop. But right now look inside yourself, see who you are, what you could and want to be. Look at every little thing about you, study it. Then see if you are able to move on.

Lyndsy I know what you mean by not being able to let go. Im not going to give you advice on what you should do because I'm trapped in that same mind set that plagues you at the moment.

In some ways he has given you a second chance at life. I really feel for you, take care.

Elisha

I dont believe he's given me a second chance at life. I loved the life I had. I've always wanted to have a family to take care of. Him having MD did not make me feel trapped or like I couldnt do anything with my life. In fact, when I was with him, I did so many things I never dreamed I would have done before. He was always trying something new and taking random classes at college so he knew how to do many different things. I dunno. Anyways, thanks for everything.

It seems to me that you want more from us...I don't think we can give that to you. All we can do is sympathize and empathize...You need to journey for yourself.

No I truly dont want anything from you guys. It just helps to talk. At home, I dont talk to anyone. And I keep all my thoughts inside. Sometimes to see my thoughts written out, it helps me understand myself better.

Not to mention I like talking to Elisha.

Well at least it helps...But a suggestion would be a counseller...Even if they do nothing, they still listen to your innerworkings...

I do speak to a therapist.

Does he/she help...?

*shrugs* They're nice. and I like talking to them. But when I talk to people in person, I get all choked up. And can't say much.

A technique I use when speaking to someone, seeing as I hate giving eye to eye contact for too long, is actually looking at their eyebrows...It greatly helps you plus it gives the illusion that you are looking at them...

I'll try that next time.