Why do i feel this way and why can't i die

So i am really depressed today again and halfway through the day i realized i hadnt taken my medication today. I dont know how well my depression and sadness are correlated but i know for sure through today and many more past days like these that most of the times when i am sad i am reminded that i skipped my medication that day...and that makes me think that i am only happy cause of my medication. I dont know the exact neurotransmitter chemistry of the brain and medication but i do believe in chemical imbalance. and if i do have chemical imbalance and if i am gonna be artificially happy i dont want to be happy like that. i dont want to live like that.
Days like these seem most practical to me. I realize how worthless and pointless my life is. I realize all that i have not done and all that i shouldnt have done. I realize how incapable i am.
So basically days like these i realize the truths about my life and i want to die. But i wish death was that simple. Only thing thats stopping me is all the grief i will leave behind. I have a friend that is going through the grieving process of her passed away fiance. I dont want anyone to go through that and i know my family will go through that if i die. So i am stuck between not wanting to live and dying.
One more thing..when i am on medication life isnt all happy and easy. I still hate my life and i still feel worthless. I just dont feel the want to die....

Smit,

You think the way you feel when you are off medication is the truth. No. It is not. Your brain CAN lie to you. For instance...

people tell me I am pretty - my brain tells me no
people tell me I am smart - my brain also tells me no

So.. when I wake up and think im ugly and stupid.. is that the truth.. the real world i am living in?

The medication attempts to fix the problem. So that you are thinking the way you're suppose to. I do not think that's a bad thing.

I know you don't want to live that way. But please try.

*hug* I know im the last person who should be giving advice. So if you'd like to disregard this and treat it as worthless... you may do so.

BTW, you're not incapable, worthless, or pointless! Your brain is lying to you again!!

"I realize how worthless and pointless my life is" "Only thing thats stopping me is all the grief i will leave behind" sice you know that people will be sad if you died then you should know that you are not worthless...those people need you in their life and are happy with you...so don't think you are worthless because you are not ^_^
cheer
if you need to talk anytime ask me for my email

Lyndsy your advice is never in vain, i love your advice and you are not the last person but the first person i would go for advice cause you have been going through what i go through for a while now. But how do i know that my brain is not lying to me about feeling good? I have so much in life...wonderful parents, no money problems, no physical problems, no problems at all, but still i am still getting no where with my life. i have no excuses for not doing good but still i am stuck on no ground. At the most i am average at everything and I hate that i cant be proud of one thing i have...

Thanks Waiting for taking the time to read my long paragraphs. you point out a very good point. I am not worthless to them. They would miss me dearly for all the memories i have shared with them...but i am not sure if they are happy with me...I am the major cause of my mom's worries everyday. She is the one I care about the most and the only way I can make her happy is by pretending to be happy myself. And about me being needed in other peoples life, i think everyone but my family will move on in a short period of time. This world is too busy. I might be remembered a few times a day the first few days among my best friends but then they will move on cuz they have a goal to reach...my goal; i dont think its achievable if i stay the way i am and i have been this way for way too long...but anyway i guess since i cant die i should try gathering some hope for myself and do whatever i can...

"but i am not sure if they are happy with me...I am the major cause of my mom's worries everyday"

my dear, if you are the major cause of your mom's worries that means she loves you, care about you and don't wont you to die which all result that she is happy with you.
please think positive and find your own reasons for this life. we have one life in this world so we should take care of it and enjoy it, pluse don't look always above(for people that are 100% healthy) sometimes you should look down (people that are much much worse than you) if you did then you will know that you are needed in this society since you can give and take

cheer ^_^