Depression has become my only friend.

I have come so accustomed to feeling depressed I'm not sure I want to get better. Its been so long I'm not even sure what better is anymore. To be fair I cant see the point in anything. Good friends come back from overseas after many years and I cant be bothered catching up with them.

I find it easy to make others laugh. Its a facade I hide behind. Most people think Im bright but they seem puzzled why I lack drive and any ambition. I tend to be a rather negative person and this wasnt always so. Im beyond suicide I have considered it thousands of times. Ive put myself into situations, but have never been able to do anything to get me out of this life.

Im fed up with people saying suicide is selfish or insane. To me its perfectly logical. But it shows everyone I couldnt cope. I dont want anyone to know how I feel or how I think. The whole thought of people knowing what Im going through is extremely embarrassing, so I just plod on aimlessly.

I know I should go back on the depression medication I used to take. I hated the side effects of paranoia and the anxiety attacks. Sometimes the cure in these cases is much worse than the illness. I have a freaky leg that shakes all the time, I hardly sleep and I find it difficult mentally, remembering, thinking and concentrating. Most of this is due to the extreme hours I stay awake.

The sad thing is I feel I want to be like this. Like a girl on here who told me once, she cuts because its her way of coping. If only I was coping.

E

But it shows everyone I couldnt cope -- I never think this way about people who commit suicide. Often selfish, self-centered, and more often simply short-cited, maybe, but NEVER weak. There are far weaker people who kill themselves everyday slowly, because they're too afraid to actually commit suicide. Not that I'm trying to glamourize it or anything. Again, I still see it as very short-cited. Especially if the person is very young. Adolescence is hell, but eventually everyone grows out of it. I'm assured of this.

Ok...you need to get a hobbie or a lot of hobbies. You need A THERAPIST. You need to understand that life is hard but only as hard as you want it to be. If you really want to be this way, then ur already dead on the inside but ur missing out on a lot of great things. Do different activities, find something you hav passion for and take the time for yourself. put loud and happy music and go crazy. Get a makeover, go shopping. MAKE THINGS HAPPEN.

^^^ First of all, will you stop being so rude and try to understand the person you've giving advice to?

It is not as simple as you make it sound to be happy. Some people have a chemical imbalance and it causes them to be depressed. It's not easy to fix for some people.

Carrotgirl,

Along with your depression medication, have you ever thought about anxiety medication? I mean it could help. I had been on anxiety medication and it helped calm me down somewhat.

Dont let anyone make you feel bad when they say suicide is selfish. They just cant understand.

I'm not saying its right but the last thing you need is to feel guilty along with all the other things you are feeling.

I know the feeling. it's like you become immune to your illness, and giving it up would change everything. I think it's just you have to step out of your comfort zone. If you want to get better you'll do anything in your power to do so.

Rach

"Chemical imbalance", get a grip. I'm sorry but every single post YOU respond to that she gave, is just because you feel insulted, like she's personally attacking you. She's saying what she should be saying! Nothing she said was rude, and she obviously thought about what she wanted to say, just because she doesn't start a re-used long paragraph about how she relates to her, and she's been through the same thing, and that it's all okay and if she needs anybody to talk to you're there. But all that does is give her the impression somebody else feels the same way, not that they deal with it. That they can talk, yeah, that'll do a lot of good. Talking day to day life. WHAT SHE SUGGESTED WAS LIFE CHANGING, WHAT THOSE OVER USED RANTS SUGGEST IS NOTHING, JUST STAYING STILL IN DEPRESSION. So before you take the 'oh my god thats so offensive oh my god' routine, maybe YOU should think about the advice you're giving.

I agree with both of you.
Because the girl who was 'being rude' didn't really do anything wrong.
And Jordan has a point also. She maybe seeking attention, she may not be.
We dont know that for sure.

And anxiety pills might help but people can get addicted to them.

Yeah thats true.

I just wrote what i said from personal experience. dont judge me unless youve tried it. nothing I said was to cause anyone no pain. Lyndsay why does everything I say sounds offensive to you? When i wrote this I was only trying to help her. all I really said was to go to a proffesional since it seems she doesnt want to talk to friends. and to do many activities to take her mind off the things that make her sad.how is that bad? to play, paint, write, do tdifferent things, get in a club, meet new ppl. all those things help. I just didnt want to write a long paragraph explaining it. but i just did.

Ok and I am sorry. Your comments are far less offensive than everyone else's. I wasn't upset that you were telling her to do thing. I was upset about how people think its so simple to change their lives. There are people who CAN do something with their lives and make it better. But then there are other people who don't necessarily have control over their thoughts. Which makes life very difficult. I also dont think it is fair to judge people and say that they are being lazy. That's not always the case.

Thanks Lynsay, something for me to check out. As to the others who are critical, thats your right. If you cant reply what you think it wouldn't be a discussion forum.

To be honest I am feeling sorry myself a little. I have found someone after so many years of being alone and I cant commit to her. When you realise your one of lifes freaks you don't want to dump that on any one else and ruin there life too.

But before you comment about attention seeking remember Im in my 30s not my teens, try not to talk down to me. And remember I kept the way I felt secret, this is the only place I can talk and feel people understand what Im going through. Attention seeking maybe, but this is the only place I feel I can talk about how I feel.

You're definitely not attention seeking. You just need to be able to talk about it to someone and get it off your shoulders. I understand. It's hard to carry a burden around and keep it all to yourself.

Also remember that, if your partner cares about you enough, you won't be ruining their life. And maybe in time, now that you have someone, things will slowly get better for you. They may help change things. You never know!

And you're far from being a freak. Don't be so hard on yourself.

(above) Thankyou, I was very impressed by your poem's too and would recommend your work.

Depression has been the major influence in my life for much longer than you have been alive. I didn't really want to make suicide an issue as I'm too much of a coward to physically hurt myself.

I just don't have anything left inside me anymore. I didn't care to I found someone I really cared for.
You say she'll understand, Yes she would do everything to make it work. She's had a pretty hard life too but I know when I fall apart I'm poison to those who love me family and relationship wise.

I just can't do this to her, its like having alzheimers or parkinsons you don't do that to the people who love you. Well I don't. And if you can imagine being so close to someone you see as part of you then you can understand the pain I feel.

Maybe I was looking for an answer and there never is one.

I think the ones who really love you would sacrifice anything for somebody elses happines. let her help you. give her a chance. I can tell she was meant to cross your life for a reason.

You miss the point, I don't want to ruin her life

I would copy paste your entire initial post, but I feel that is redundant...I will just say, your dilemma is identical to mine...I couldn't have said what you said any better. Depression is an addiction, its a terrible love hate relationship, a vicious cycle...and its not part of who I am, it IS who I am. If you find any answers let me know...not that I will care much one way or another, hahaha.

"it is not part of who i am, it IS who i am"

i'm starting to believe that myself also