An unsolvable problem... (It's sad. There's no solution at all..

Hi you all... there's something bothering me since a long time now.. and i just want to speak my heart in a place where no one of my 'friends' can see the words it says.
the whole story starts on a day when i have been eleven years old. i was in fifth class then. (at the age of eleven, at the age of twelve, in sixth class -- elementary school)
at the age of eleven, i had to change schools and in my new school, i was harassed for 2 years.
after these two years, the question was which high school i would attend. i chose the gymnasium.
so i attended the gymnasium & was in the 'first class', but didn't change my black-wearing, moody, loner-, mysterious, no friends having attitude at all - for half a year.
That means: after a half a year, suddenly my attitude changed, you know: i went to bed, and when i woke up the other day, i felt completely otherwise.
i felt that i NEEDED friends. that i NEEDED company.
that life wasn't as bad as i thought and that i had a right of having friends. (when i realized this, i was 13 and a half years old)
so I really tried to change myself and my relationships to for example my classmates.
it worked, it luckily worked. i changed myself, i have become more quick off the mark, i've become cheerful, optimistic, always smiling and having a big mouth, and have become a real chatterbox.
That's what others always say when they try to describe the new me. (i know there's no such thing as a new me, let's say: the changed me)
so, first i have to explain: on my school, it's like that: 6 years. when you attend this school, you're in a class for 2 years. after two years, they'll split up the class and you'll be in a new class for the rest 4 yrs.
so, I was 13 when i came to my 'new' class.
I managed to get along with everyone in this class, except for 2 girls. and that's the important thing now - now, I get along very well with this one girl, but with this other girl...
This other girl - let's name her my friend - is a true beauty, not only outside but only on the inside.
everyone adores her, she is very calm and laid-back, but still a lovely and laughing girl.
the guys fancy her, obviously, and the girls adore her for her soothing and caring appearance.
This friend I'm talking about, was in my class for two years.
As soon as she noticed that I was changing myself, she always came to me, tried to crack a joke, tried to talk to me... but it didn't help. i was still too shy to get along with her (when she was in my class, she was not at all like she is today, but she was even so adored by everyone! she was much more spunky, grinning, mischievous... but still beautiful.), her open character confused me. but slowly i tried to open up to her. she recognized this and also tried to talk more with me, but... well.. i'll give u an example of our typical conversations:

Me: "Hey gorgeous! Oh my gosh... your hair, it looks absolutely beautiful today! Man, I would like to have a silky mane like yours!"
She: "OH... *begins to laugh* You're kidding me, but I'll tell you something: it doesn't wooo~ork! :D"
Me, confused: "WHAT? But I'm not kidding you at all!"
She: "Yeah, sure!"

other:

She: "Hey my dear... i just wanted to tell you... I've noticed now through all these months how you've opened up and you're wearing much brighter colors and, it's so cool to see you laugh. i just think it's very admirable, your change!"
Me: "*starts to laugh* OH yeah, as if you'd mean it!"
She, confused: "Bbbbut what? I MEAN IT! BELIEVE ME!"
Me, laughs, goes away...

We often recognized that we were just misunderstanding each other, but we didn't find a way to break this barrier. It just remained.
And after two yrs, our class was split in new classes.
I had to repeat a year, and she was now in 3rd class.
for half a year, we didn't talk to each other anymore.
but in December, she suddenly came to me, i mean, it was an awkward situation, but she came and i felt glad.
then, the christmas holidays started.
AFter the holidays, I came back to school.
After two days or so, I accidentally saw her in the great hall, and happily ran to her.
But while I was running, I was studying her face and what I saw was shocking: it was great sorrow.
Her eyes were looking somewhere, but she seemed so far away.
I immediately went to her and asked her if there was something wrong.
She, like 'back again in reality', looked at me, her eyes wided and immediately (i'm good in recognizing such things) put on a smile, began to grin widely and said: "OH, you silly girl! Of course I'm allright! I'm perfectly happy!"

I knew it was a fat lie.

The next days, I kept running around, looking for her classmates, asking them if they had recognized something strange about my friend.
But what was shocking, was their reaction:

"What? This cheerful girl and - sad?"
"What the hell are you talking about? She's perfectly fine!"
"No, I haven't noticed anything... erm, you sure you aren't mistaking someting? I mean, look at her. She's laughing and smiling and friendly to everyone - like she usually is."

They hadn't noticed anything about her strange behaviour. It really made me sad to always see this girl in the great hall with such a sad expression on her face, and everytime a friend of hers would come to greet her, her face would turn into: Little Miss Sunshine, for what she's famous.
One day, I couldn't hide my sorrows anymore and talked to my once-best friend, who's also a classmate of this girl.
My once-best friend tried to convince that this girl was allright and I was seeing things, but I kept telling her: "THAT'S NOT TRUE!"
So in the end, she spilled it.
This girl's... dad... died on Christmas in the Christmas holidays. He suffered from cancer.

To hear this, broke my heart. I'm not a person who's easily touched by such things, so it was very confusing to me that I was hurt so much by this.
The truth was: this girl... seemed like a perfect angel to me. She was always in a good mood, always cheering the others up, always cracking a joke, always popular, so beautiful and so caring...
And then, I heard a thing like this. She was not perfect or such; that something so bad had happened to such a warm-hearted person... was not understandable for me.
And then, I asked myself: "and why are you now so sad? It's not like you and her were the best friends when you were together in class , right?''
and suddenly, all made sense. I realized that she had never been ''an ex-classmate'' to me, but a great person which I loved a lot and didn't want to be sad.
So, these were the thoughts that were running through my mind:

Okay, Les Chaussettes, your friend doesn't want to tell you about this horrible thing. And you must not tell her you know, because:

1) She doesn't want nobody to know
2) She would lose trust in your best friend
3) She doesn't want YOU to know, otherwise she would have told you. And that's okay, because it's not like she has to.
But that's why it would be unforgivable if youd go to her, saying: "AAAH im soooo sorry!"
She must not get the feeling you know.
But you want to help her through this hard time. You don't see her often.
OH, great idea! If she doesn't want to talk to you about it, you can: distract her from the pain - now, listen: All you have to do is everytime you see her in the great hall, go to her and do what you're best at: making others laugh! Make her laugh!
I did so. From January til September. (2006)

But one day, it didn't fill me out anymore.
I didn't want this anymore: "Hello!" - "Hey!" - "Oh, I have to tell you something funny: ..." - "Hahaha!" - "Oh I have to go!" - "Okay, bye!" - "Bye!"

I wanted more. I wanted her to know, that I really cared about her (no, i'm not lesbian, thanks - i don't have anything against gays and lesbians, but i'm simply not lesbian). so i tried to show her.
but everytime i tried, her reaction was this:
"HAHAHAHAHAA! My gosh, you're sooo funny!"

You know, if any snobby, slutty&arrogant girl would have said this, I would have answered: Well, fuck you!
But my friend is neither snobby nor slutty nor arrogant. She's just like, when she's embarassed or doesn't know what to answer, she starts laughing like a chicken. (Yeah, it's getting on my nerves sometimes)
So I told myself: Okay. There's not much time left, she's now in 4th class, you're in 3rd, soon she's in 6th class and then she's away! you have to do something! Okay. I'll make her what I mean - and if she doesn't want to return my friendship, well, her fault. no no joke ;)

I tried and tried, but it was frustrating. sometimes, it was like this: she looked at me for a long time and suddenly began to smile, from the heart.
and most of the time, she was like this:
"WHUAHA! Are you kidding me???"
December. Christmas holidays. I was so tired and sick of trying over and over again.
So I told myself: it's useless. she'll never get it.
at all.

Christmas holidays ended, and I had to go back to school. And as soon as I saw her again in the breaks (in the Great HAll), I tried to act normal, like the time when we were together in class.
But I saw she was watching me. Watching me with a thoughtful look, observing me.
I was like: "Okaaaay...?"
The next day was... LEts say it this way:
Something had changed.
As soon as she saw me, she was running to me, smiling, laughing, embracing me and saying: "Hey, how are you!! Come on, we have a lot to talk about!"
I was confused, and was SHOCKED.
This girl had changed her whole attitude towards me! I thought: Come on... maybe she's in a good mood.
But it didn't stop. Everytime I was not talking to her but a friend of hers and mine, she jumped in the middle, faced me and said: "HEY! That's not funny! You're ignoring me - you hate me! That's the whole truth! I better go now!"
She's NEVER like this. But she was like this at that time, and that was CONFUSING.
I then always turned around to make her stop, yelled at her: "WTF are you talking about?? me, hating you??? do you even get what YOURE SAYING???"

and she would turn around too. watch me, very thoughtful, and then suddenly, begin to smile, and her smile would reach her eyes. it would be a real smile, a smile she'd never shown towards me, a smile from the heart, and I, would be, very very confused.

[ so... now I have to stop typing, because I have to do some preparations for tomorrow, it's summer holidays.. I'll be typing the rest of the story in 3 weeks.

Could somebody please delete this?
thanks a lot.