All Cutting, self harm threads - post here #9

Yeah definanatly ive learned to wear quite a few like the tough guy. no one wants to upset me lol.

But really im the sad clown i hate myself for things in the past and i feel like i deserve punishment.Cause im evil.

Everything is just so sad.i hate it all. there is no hope.i mean im like ready for death ive been ready for a long time when i went to iraq and that first bomb went off i was ready.

I know what chaos means when she says that we wear so many masks and its easy to be some one else when everyone is watching.
today i finnaly saw myself looking back from the mirror, it was really weird, usually its like "thats the me the world sees not the me inside" but looking into my own eyes today i saw myself, all the pain and hurt i feel, everything. i freaked out. i haven't "seen" myself in so long. all i wanted to do was cut, knowing whats inside and knowing i can't get rid of it is destroying me, i wish all emotion would die, leaving me alone and i could be free, with no pain, no hurt, no sadness, no nothing.

cory: you came back thou, you're alive, and your not alone, you have us, its not much but you have us and were not about to go anywhere, this is the only place where we can really release everything.

Last night...someone made me feel so horable, I just felt like nothing, like I was taking up space on earth...all I wanted to do was kill myself, but i managed to be interupted...so i couldn't follow threw now, im feeling better today, but im kinda scared for myself because i was so close...oh i need advice! JAY J

This happened a while back - (sorry Bob)

One of my friends got out of the same bad relationship for the billionth time... his friend from primary school died about a week before hand from suicide....

My friend tried to hang himself - I ran as long as I could and as fast as I could, it was about 2 in the morning, a winter night, and I barely had any idea where I was going...

When we got to the tree he had sum sort of rope round his neck and tied 'round the tree... he was crying...

He almost dropped from being so tired of hanging on but we(2 of my other friends) got him down...

It was one of the most sadest things I had ever seen - and it hit me really hard coz he was so close to death, and I have already had a family member hang himself earlier on this year.

Suicide for him isn't anything new, but I had never been there before, at the time, with him... we walked back to one of my other friends place, and spent the night there. He fell asleep on the couch in 'bout 10 mins.

I love him like family, as I do all my friends... xoxo

I got in this agument with a real close friend and well he told me that id never become anything of value or worth anything..or something like that i dunno im so upset i dont wanna talk no more i just wanna forget

JayJ,

you probably shouldnt worry about it, ur friend might have just been really frustrated and said some stuff he didnt mean... cause tht is a really horrible thing to say, close friends just dont say tht on purpose...

JayJ: your not worthless, you are a human being that is here on this earth for a reason, i know its not easy but try your best to see that. you have something to give this world and one day others will see that too. try to ignore the things your friend said, their not worth you life, no one is, im glad that you didn't go through with it because no one should die because someone else has made them feel bad. i hope things get better and your friend apologies and realizes the hurt that they caused and how wonderful you are.

fountains of bloody tears: read a post from earlier, are you feeling better? did you end up hurting yourself? really proud that you were TRYING not to cut, even trying and then giving in is a step away from cutting, being able to say that you shouldn't do it. what/ who made you feel like that, like you needed it?

It is the people closest to us that know how to hurt us the worst. What is worse than having someone you love belittle you and step on you? The answer to that is believing it. I know that is what got me.

I've been cutting for nearly three years. I like the scars. I like the blood. I feel crazy. I don't know what to do with my life anymore.

I've been a cutter for almost 5 years. It is so hard to stop...evertime i do i fall right back into the habit again. It just numbs that stupid ache inside....I've stopped again...I'm trying not to start up again cause I hust inside again.....its cool to know i'm not the only person that does this or goes through crazy stuff....

Ive been cutting for 4 yrs... u get the urges..and there so hard to fight... the scars never heal, it doesnt help you.. the scars seem to make it worse.. there just a reminder that the pain is still inside you... under that
read my poems bout cutting....

pleaseeeee vote and commment(i need a opinions.. and votes)
mil xx

Thanks for the advice. It's such a hard habit to stop...i mean you start to feel like crud and its like INEED AN OUT! It's crazy. Sometimes i feel like i'm going to go tottally insane and jump off a bridge or something. I try to focus on the positive and all but...ugh! I dunno...

Myspace : To Write Love On Her Arms

http://www.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms

Check it out

I just really feel bad today even yesterday and the rest of the day that past. Why could I not her that I love her?

U just gotta take the bull by the horns, i guess.I got help too by the swat team,lol.so ive been institutionalized cause i cut.i just got out i was in there for a week.

I was getting used to not cutting or doing anything like self-harm in any way.....then my cat accidently scratched me and it started bleeding. and i saw the blood and i started longing for another cut. so i began again. ugh. but it felt so good.

^^ I know the feeling.

It's like everywhere you go there's something around you that will remind you of your self-harming. It takes so much self-control and it's hard not to give in... trust me, I know. :) If you need to talk, I'm here.

-- Steph

I'm depressed because i saw the phone bill for my cell and my mom going kill me when she see it oh boy wat am i going to do???

I dont even have a phone. my mom says i dont deserve anything he never had. and he didnt have much cuz he was adopted into a screwed up life.

My dad****

So ur lucky tht you even have one.

Yea I knoe but she said she might disconnet my cell so i dunno....

A phone is a responsibility, if you can't be responsible, you dont deserve it. Instead of feeling "depressed" about it, be more responsible.

I managed to quit cutting most of the way.now im heavily medicated lol.

When it's not one fight it's another right? Glad to see you Cory.

Yeah i got the swat team called on me.lol. Its nice to see you too. And i feel myself kinda going back to my old habit despite the medication.And im feeling that same old unextinguishable flame.

Medication does nothing for cutting, atleast not in any of my experiences. It is our thought process that leads us to it usually.

But how do you change you thoughts? i mean, they are your thoughts.

They dont even give me a chance to be responsible.

Deep~ Is providing you with a cell phone not giving you responsibility? I would not have had to worry about my parents freaking over a cell bill because my parents would have never got me a phone. If I wanted one I had to pay for it and be responsible for it.

Cory~If I knew how to completely change my thought process, life would be so much easier lol I had to find a happy place in my life for things to change and although I slipped and cut again, I know I can stop because I did it for years. My downfall was embracing one of my biggest triggers, which just happened to be my relationship. Sometimes we put ourselves out there and sometimes we fail but if you don't try something, anything, how will we ever know what works? We won't. A job I enjoy, writing, painting, travelling, socializing, all of these things were a great help to me, the better I started feeling about where I was at in my life the easier it was to walk away from the habit.

Huh I guess I never thought about it that way and I don't really have a happy place. I'm to busy with all the bull crap
that fills my hours,til I die.wow im really depressing.I just feel like I'm trapped in my own life.I hate myself.

I wish i can cut so bad but if i do i get in trouble Omg see thats the only bad thing about bf's

Yup thats true about bf's u get in trouble from them or anyone else if u know wat i mean

Uue dun deserve cutting urself

Why do you say that 95% of ppl cut for attention? Wht made you think this?

I agree, sort of, im proud of my scars and my past, i dnt usually talk of my past but if im in a good mood then it depends if the right questions are asked.
no one knows i have started again except for you strangers, and rajy pajy. so showing my past scars isnt attention, everyone around me are used to them, their fading (with bio oil) so go un noticed.

i havent cut for 3 weeks, it was school holidays and now we are back in term 4, its near the end of the day and all i want to do is cut. i know that being here is meant to be good for me but theres something that really gets to me. Im kinda happy about the 3 weeks, i just didnt have the urge therefore no cuts, i dont know if i was happy but i know i didnt feel as i do now.

i dont know why im posting this, i spose its just coz its been a while since my last post and i just needed to tell someone, even its online.

People i think do it for attention for two reasons. #1.they are stupid and want to fit it #2. they may have done it in the past and just now come out and really want help. so yeah i dont think people should judge people who self harm as "attention seekers" because you may not know how they "really" feel. so anyway also, personally i think using rubber bands and ice is killer. that actually hurts. when i SI i cant feel it and its nice to see the living inside part of you come out. it makes me feel like i am alive inside and out, not immortal how my soul feels at times.-kayla

Well i must admit that what i am about to say i am completely serious and i dunno what to do anymore. im not acting like myself anymore. For the first time ever in my life i cut. It felt good. i wont lie, it made me at ease. i felt unstoppable. i dunno what started it but i felt better inside. maybe on the outside too. i know that cutting isnt the way to go about these kind of problems but i dunno what to do anymore. i am lost and confused. im not suicidal im just looking for an outlet to let this pain, anger, frustration out. i cant even narrow the causes for wat i did. i just need some one to talk to and someone that can relate to me. i dont do this for attention but i am LOST!!!! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME FIND MY WAY!!! i wanna scream, i wanna cut, i dunno wat i wanna do. i'm not the person i once was. if anyone can help me please feel free to send me a private message. i need a friend (s).