PLZ, i'm kinda desperate

hey ppl, i wrote this short story for my creative writing class, but it's not finished yet. i need honest feedback, so if you could take a minute or two to read it and just give some kinda remark indicating whether it's good or bad, i'd really apprecaite it; and i'll rate and/or comment on two of your poems.

Trial and Error

I was in Orlando, FL in October 2005. Mom, Dad, Sis, and Bro were there. We had a hotel by the water. I was spending the weekend at the Kid's place. So she and I were sitting there flipping channels, nothing's on, so we had a small chat. "So how are things back in N.O.?" she said. "(Sigh.) Aight, I guess. Same old same old. School, work, whatever." "Yeah, I know how it is. Same here. I’ve got a business test on the first day back and I’m dreading it, I haven't even come close to studying." I gave a light chuckle, "Oh yeah? Let me see your business book." She went into closet; my jacket fell from the hook with a thud. "Wow, what's in here?" she asked and picked up my jacket and a blue and black striped pocketknife from the floor. She gave me a suspicious look, but I played it cool. "What this?" she demanded. "It’s just for protection; no big deal." "Do your parents know you have this?" "No,” I retorted, “I’m 19 years old; I don't need my parents’ permission for anything." "Jay, you told me you didn't cut yourself anymore. You know I told you that if I thought you were in danger again, I’d tell your parents." "Come on, Kid. I said it's just for protection. Don’t worry; I’m fine, ok? I just wanna enjoy my fall break." She breathed a relenting sigh and said, “Alright, I trust you. I’m probably gonna regret it later, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.” “Good. Thank you. Now let's hit the town. You can study for your test later. Let’s get something to munch. I’ve got a serious craving for Taco Bell.”

Later on that evening, the Kid took me to youth night at her church. They really made me feel welcome there. I got a chance to tell them about my growing up in church and what it's like to be raised in a Christian home. Everyone took to me really well. They even let me do the closing prayer. Afterwards one of the girls invited the Kid and I to a party at her place, so we followed her home. We were the first ones there, so we sat in the living room looking through photo albums while our hostess prepared the hors d'oeuvres. After a little while some more guest arrived. We began a card game and everyone was having a good time. After a hand or two, the Kid left to join the hostess again in the kitchen. After about half an hour I went in to see what was taking them so long. I stopped just outside the entrance when I heard their conversation. "...But your friend seems really nice; everyone likes her." "I know; she's a great person,” the Kid replies, “But sometimes she's a handful. She gets so depressed, and I can't help her because I don't know what to say, so I feel helpless and frustrated." "Well, you do what you can; and you said before that she's always letting you know you're appreciated." " I know. I appreciate her, too. I just get so worried; I’m glad she's here now. It already sucks that we live in different states, but it's even worse when I think of all the mental issues she's working through. And you know what happened today? I was looking for my business book..." Before she exposed anymore of my private life, I walked and cleared my throat. The two of them were standing there staring like deer caught in the headlights. I was fuming. "Damn, Kid! I knew you had to be talking to someone about the stress of dealing with me, and I’m fine with that; but damn! Did you have to do it while I’m in town?! While we’re in the same house?! I know I’ve said some pretty hurtful things in the past, and I deserve every slap you dish out, but can you at least wait until I go back home?!" She started apologizing, but I wasn't trying to hear it. I told her to leave me alone, got my coat, and walked out the door. She followed me calling out, "Where are you going? You don't even know where you are." "I’ll get a cab; and DON'T call my parents," I snapped. She grabbed my arm and begged me not to leave. "Let me go or you'll be sorry." With a look of horror, she slowly let go and apologized again. I turned away and just started walking. I didn't know toward where or what; I didn't care. All I knew was that I needed to release the dejected fury inside. And my troubled heart would not stop throbbing until I had nourished the beast within.

(cont'd below)

its pretty good..i though that when you had a ew speaker it was supposed to be on a new line??
i really hate to be picky but at the beginning i think maybe you should join a couple of sentences together because short sentences are usually used for more effect in horror or shocking things...

other than that yeah...its good!
hope this helps??
xx

yeah, ok, thx. every little bit helps. ;-)

the beginning kinda confused me i couldn't tell who was who and I lose track in the middle of who's talking when...other than that I think it's a good story!!! Good Job, good luck finishing it!!!

thx, i'm glad you like it. keep in mind that you're seeing it i'm writing it, fresh from the top of my head, so this is just a very rough draft of what it'll actually be.

Trial and Error (cont'd)

I had walked a couple of blocks when I spotted a gas station. I went in, gave a head nod to the lady behind the counter, then browsed around a bit. A few seconds later two guys walked in and started lurking around. I wanted to get out of dodge just in case something was about to go down, but I didn't want to leave the clerk there alone with the strange men. One of the guys came up to me and started asking where I was from and did I need a ride. The other guy was walking toward the counter when a rent-a-cop walked in. I viewed that as my chance to get a head start on my potential predators. I left the store and went behind the building. I kicked a glass bottle and sat against the wall with my face in my hands contemplating the events of the day. Then, for some reason still unknown to me, a girl came out of the bushes and started walking towards me. She was about 5'4", looked about 17 or 18 years old, and she wore filthy clothes and half a shirt. She had a deranged stare fixated on me like I owed her money or something. I stood up and asked what she wanted; she started screaming at me in Spanish. Not only did I have no clue as to what she was saying, I really didn't need anymore drama, so I yelled, "look, I’ve had a hell of a day, so just fuck off!" suddenly, she charged towards me, so I grabbed my pocketknife. Before I could think, I was carving into her spleen, crying, and screaming every obscenity I had ever heard. When I finally came to my senses, I stepped back and she fell to the ground, the knife still in her stomach. I gazed in horrified disbelief at the unfortunate corpse lying before me. it felt like everything I’d ever eaten was racing to the back of my throat. I bent over and let it hit the wall, which was my only support because my knees had turned to sludge some time between jabs. I wiped my face on my shirt, stood up, and took a deep breath. "Ok, Jay," I said to myself, "it was an accident, blind rage, self-defense." I knelt down and wiped off the handle of the knife with my jacket. I didn't do this; I found her lying here in a pool of blood; she was already dead. As the sinful tears welled up in my eyes, I kissed the cross hanging from my necklace, and ran as fast as my fear would allow. The rent-a-cop spilled his coffee as I burst through the door crying hysterically, "Help! Somebody help! I think she's dead!"

i think what you need to do really is look at the sentence structure and length a bit and itd be fine. its really good though!!! is there more?

and also...wont you get told off for swearing?

ok, thx. and there's more to come

This is really really good!! Keep going...can't wait to read the rest!
Peace
Sammy

hee oh this is so fun!!! :D:D:D

thx, lol, i've been really busy lately so i kinda had to put the rest of the story to the side, but i intend to finish it up soon. and actually, it's for a college class so we can say pretty much whatever we want, no matter how vulgar. XD