Weakness

My parents recently got, or are in the process of getting a divorce, I'm living with my mom, and when we moved out from my dad's house (a house my family built, 4 years ago) a lot happened... me and my dad got in a screaming match. Well, while we moved out, about 15 animals died, and we have no idea why. He blamed all of their deaths on me, saying it was my fault. I pretty much told him I hated him and that "I'd rather die than live with you." My brother is now living with him, and we're pretty close, and we hang out every weekend, but its hard because I don't want to go over there to see him, because I'd have to see my dad. But what hurts is that, when I was a little girl, I was always a daddy's girl, I constantly followed my dad around in his workshop trying to get him to show me how to do stuff. But no matter what I did, I wasn't good enough for him. In school, I was all A, in all of my classes, but he'd yell at me for have a B on one single assignment. And at home, he'd sit around, making me and my brother clean up his mess, and he'd make even more of a mess, while we were cleaning, and then would yell at us about it. The only time he would be anywhere near nice to me, is when we were in front of other people, he cared more about what other people thought about him then, his own family.

I spent my entire childhood, trying to be good enough for him, and hating myself, because I wasn't perfect enough for him. I put my entire heart into him, my dad, and he just threw me away like trash.

After, I figured out I could never be good enough for him, after I was completly crushed, and dead, because of him, I never talked to anyone. I've never been open to anyone, or told anyone I knew about how I felt. Its my weakness, I deserve what he did to me because I was foolish enough to depend on one person so much.

I finally told one of my best friends about how I felt, she asked me whether I felt like killing myself, and whether I wanted to die, and I didn't want to deny or affirm it. But, I think she knew the real answer.. I told her, that I didn't want to depend on anyone because it will only hurt more in the long run. I think I hurt her feelings, because I said no matter who I told that it would only wide up making things worse... she said that she wasn't my dad, and that she wouldn't do those things, but... I feel like no matter what I do, it'll wind up becoming another weakness... she wants me to tell the people, that I want to think I'm strong...

I can't take this anymore... I don't want to live in a constant fear that it'll hurt me, telling her, and I want to trust her... but if I keep it all to myself.. then no one will know, and no one can hurt me.. I stay to myself because I can't depend on any one anymore.. I can't want to get approval from one person so much that, they control my life, and they can kill me...

I told her... that she couldn't save me, that I was already dead, and she just said she could make life better than what I have in store for myself.... and... I know I'm lucky to have a friend like her, and I love her and want to trust her... but I don't know if I can... it will just put another weakness, and set it up so the same thing can happen again... I don't know what to do...

I'm sorry this was so long, once I started typing I couldn't stop... Can anyone help me?

I'll do my best sweets.

First off, you've taken a big step in talking about on here, it's easier because it's not face to face for a start, have you tried doing that with your friend? Having a long chat on MSN or something, confide in her without the worry she'll see your emotions or something? I say that because one thing i always find is easier for me is if i'm talking to someone online or whist they are driving because i don't feel under scrutiny.
Then when you feel ready, talk to her about it face to face where she can be ready with hugs and to make you feel better.

Everyone has the risk of getting hurt by someone they trust, but i believe it is a risk worth taking. I've been in a situation similiar to yours, so i know how you're feeling. Sometimes, opening up to someone is all you need to feel better.
Yes there is a chance they may leave in the end, but it's worth it to feel better about yourself, if only for a while.
Many people just don't have anyone to turn to, even when they want it, so count your blessings sweets that you do have someone who just wants to help.
PM me if you need a talk.
Good luck, hope i helped in some way.
*Gem*

That's what I did, I told her over MSN... but I don't know if I could count it as feeling better because I'll live in a pretty much constant fear she'll tell someone or... but I'm even more worried right now, because she tell everything to her boyfriend, who definetly tells everyone EVERYTHING... the times I open up to people, I usually open up to the wrong people... and it's easier talking about it on here, because I don't know you guys, so there's no way it can get back to anyone I know.... (thx^^)