A New Years Welcoming

Every year ends up being the same, I exclude myself from the parties, from the movies, from all the activities held by my friends. This day and the next is usually when I spend my most time alone. I sit here and reflect over the previous year and how I am willing to move on and push through the next. I sit at home with a couple bottles of booze to get through the night without going crazy but then the thoughts still get through about everything that has happened.

With every new year I can't help but think bout my "father". 16 years now and he hasn't thought to say anything, write, or even make his presence known in my life. I can't for the life of me understand why. Im not a bad kid! but why doesnt he want me? "Dear Father" plays in the background multiple times throughout this thought process until I can manage to think about him any more that I either open another bottle of booze or move on to a different song and a new trial and tribulation of my young life.

For over a year now I have yet to feel the love of another human being. I flew halfway across the country. From washington to nebraska in search of rekindling a love once had but lost. Turns out you cant light a fire with damp wood. Since Februrary of last Ive sat without a girlfriend. My mother hasnt the desire to express that her care for me runs even within her soul an inch. It's like I could leave and go anywhere I wanted. And within one year, not a soul would care.

Lately more than ever all the thoughts in my mind have been about cuttin myself down. Those who usually talk to me ask why I would take myself out in my prime. My prime? Had I certainly believed this was the prime in my life I would take it now because if this is the best life will get then what the hell? I've loved and lost many times, but Ive always ended up with the short end of the stick. Its like no matter what I do i get short changed regardless on how much effort I put towards.

The time is 3:22 am on January 1st, and all I can think about is downing another bottle and then another until I can't take anymore, and I lay in bed and let the time pass me by. A New Year but yet the only thing that hasnt changed is my feelings on how I cant stand how each one ends.

The thoughts that constantly run
"Just do it now, it won't matter anyway"
"2 seconds later or in 50 years, its the same outcome"
"Nobody is going to care anyway"
"Think of how many people will actually start to care:
"They all think you're seeking attention"
"They never cared"
"She never will, he never did"
"Just a few more swigs"
"Go reach for the cabinet"
"Take a nice long nap"

I can't help but think everyday, every minute, every second, how easier everything would be, if I didnt have to experience every second. They say life isn't easy. Well atleast for some of us. Many of us get the best part of life, and can only complain about not getting that new pair of shoes, or that we're grounded. where as others cant deal with friends, family, parents, never being involved or caring in life, and then even more people cant deal with never having them to begin with.

Why live in a place as cruel and heartless as the world is today. The fact that you get sympathy for all of maybe a few days, and then a week or a year later, nobody gives anymore whether or not you make it out, because they "feel like they've done their good deed" of the day. Its sickening how the world today thinks. And how it pushes people to the brink over and over again, until their footing slips and then they finally fall....