Jokes

I love jokes so let em rip!!!!

I can start:

Carl is in court for wounding a friend with a firearm.

Judge: How did you manage to shoot your own friend!?

Carl: We were hunting and I mistook him for a deer.

Judge: So when did you notice that you were mistaken?

Carl: When the deer started shooting back.

Feed me jokes people!!

^classic

I love this one although its a litle... crazy...

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump together.
The bear then asks the rabbit : Hey do you have trouble with sh!t sticking to your furr?
The rabbit says: well no...
And then the bear wiped his @ss with the rabbit....

2 pieces of string walking down the road, and are both feeling a little bit parched. One says to the other -
"I fancy a drink, you wanna whip into the next pub we see for a quick pint?"
"Sure, sounds like a good idea." the other replies.
Shortly they arrive at a quaint little pub, the first decides to go in to see if they can get served.
He walks over to the bar and says to the bar-keep...
"2 pints of your best lager please."
"Sorry we don't serve pieces of string in here." the bartender replies.
"Not even just a quick pint?" asks the string
"No sorry buddy" reiterates the barman.
So the string walks out to tell his pal the bad news.
At which point the second string throws himself on the floor, rolls around in the gutter, hits himself in the face a few times then jumps in front of a car. He stands back up all battered and worn and trundles into the pub...
As he sits at the bar the bartender approaches
"Listen buddy, I just told your pal .. we don't serve strings in this establishment!"
"Well, I would like a pint then please." replies the string.
"Can you not hear me properly? We don't serve strings in here, and you're a string aren't you?" asks the barman.
"No.." replies the string "I'm a frayed knot!"

Muhahahah!

A very ugly woman walks into a store with her two kids. She is angry and yelling at them. A man aproaches.

Man : Good day. You have some adorable kids there are they twins?

The woman looks at him with an irritated face.

Woman: No! One is seven and the other one is twelve. Cant you see the difference dumbass!?

Man: I can... It's just that I can't believe someone would do you twice...

Lolz @perfection..

If I only had the guts to send it to my boss!!

~Office Prayer~

Dear God, I beg you.
Give the wisdom to understand my boss.
Give me the love to forgive him.
Give me the patience to understand his deeds.
But dearest God,dont give me the power
Because if you give me the power
Ill Break His Head...

How do you kill an italian?

!daeh sih no taes teliot eht porD

Read this backwards for the answer. Thats right, I'm going to make you people work for it! lol

Here are some "yo momma joke"

Yo momma is so fat, its easier to jump over her than to go around her...

Yo momma is so fat that when she showers her feet stay dry....

Yo momma is so fat the she sits next to everybody at the movie theater

Yo momma is so fat that she has her own postal code

Yo momma is so fat that she broke the family tree

Yo momma is so fat that the elevator is forced to go down.

Yo momma is so fat that she cannot reach her back pocket

Yo momma is so fat that when she bungyjumps the bridge follows...

Yo momma is so ugly she looks like she cought fire and someone tried to extinguish her with an axe

Yo momma is so stupid that she sits on the tv and stares at the couch

Yo momma is so stupid that she tries to drown fishes.

Yo momma is so stupid she returned a donut because there was a hole in it...

My momma... :'(

Oh god... my momma is soo... horrible at life :'( ... I never knew!!!

ZOMG...wahahaahaa...

Im siting AT the computer not ON it like you xD...

Anyways... more jokes ppl XD

Well 3 guys are stuck on a deserted island..
To pass their time they are fishing..
Suddenly one of the men catches a golden fish
The fish says that each of them will get a wish if they let it go
The men do so...
The first man wishes to be a king and live in a fortress and have loads of women and money...
And *POOF* the fish grants the wish and the man dissaperas...
The second man wishes to be a famous actor living in Hollywood with the most beautiful wife and also for loads of cash!!
*POOF* he also dissapears as the fish grants his wish..
The third man looks around.. and after a while of thinking he says
-"You know.. Im kind of bored now that the guys have gone... I want you to bring them back..."
And poof his wish is granted...

---------------------------------------------------

This bear owns a shop
One day a rabbit comes in and asks: "Got any carrots?.
Bear: "No I dont sell carrots"
Rabbit leaves.

THe next day the same rabbit comes to the store.
Rabbit: "Do you have carrots"
Bear: "NO I already told you I dont sell carrots"
Rabbit leaves.

This scenario is repeated for 2 more days...

5th Day rabbit comes in.

Rabbit: "Got any carrots?"
The bears is very irritated by the rabbit and decides to take serious action.
Bear: You know what? IF you ask me for carrots one more time I will nail you to the wall!! got that !?
Rabbit leaves.

Next day rabbit comes in. The bear is ready to go crazy but stops when he hears that the rabbit did not ask the same thing.
Rabbit: "Hey you got any nails ?"
The bears calms down and answers nicely
Bear: "No Im fresh out of those..."
Rabbit: "Really?! Do you have any carrots then?"

Copied thease from the old joke thread at my club

A quick yo mamma joke since I dont have much time:

Yo mamma so fat she fell in love and broke it...

Siro i love the last one u said! hahahhahaa

Ok

so why did the blond climb over the see through wall.....

to see what was on the other side

LOLZ funny

Lol i love this one:
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

LOLZ
hehehehehe
xx

Ha ha ha.. gud one... i didnt knew dat...