My heart is black

Wow. i think my heart is black and my soul is gone and i dont know what to do about. and the worst part is i dont know if i want to do anything about it. i;m a really bad person. i used to be really horrible and then i started cleaning up my act and trying to behave myself and not do all the bad things. but i find myself slipping back to who i use to be. if you knew who i use to be and how bad it was. you would be afraid. because people who knew me then are afraid. moreso than me. when people get upset or mad around me....all i can think is how stupid it is, i want to laugh in there face and tell them to stop being a little brat. i get mad at them for being emotional. all i can think is how to do the things i promised never to do. i'm unhappy wherever i am and all i do is try and make everyone as unhappy as i am. im back to my revenge and mind games and i cant escape myself. and i dont know if i want to. i want to leave everyone and i hate my fiance, increasingly more and more every single day. but only half as much as i hate the other people around me. i've been on meds, been to hospitals, therapy, couseling, i;ve tried it all and it goes away but it always comes back. i'm started to think i;m supposed to be this way. my heart is supposed to be black. and now there is no going back.

I know what its like to get help then things get better but then they come back. its fucking annoying. i feel the same way as you with the whole "maybe im supposed to be like this" i think i'll always be a fuck-up, when your thoughts are as deep set in your mind i think therapy to change your thought patterns n perceptions will never work. i always think that maybe therapy is for like suckers who beleive what the therapist says cos i dont buy it. i think my mind is set in a way that no amount of talking therapy can ever change it. the outlook is bleak! n that sucks. but i dunno is it who we are or in actually fact is it not. nature vs nurture n its never possible to tell. were we intended to be this way or has society n our experiences screwed us up.

Wow I'm exactly the same way....a while ago I was a terrible person. But too cleaned up.... The people from my past hate me. I fell in love but she crushed my heart and now I don't care about anything. I hate this life. I think that you'll be alright. Its hard to be the most hated person at my school, but you'll get thru

Saaad, i hope you feel better.
crying sometimes helps..it lets out a lot..
and i thikn you should talk to family or someone..

Crying is sooo hard o_o i find it exausting trying to fource myself to cry...i mean i feel like im gona cry but i just cnt..so i try and it excuasts me...